Stars in the Bar
In 2006 I hadn’t performed comedy for a year or but when I saw a talent competition advertised in a bar in my local town called Stars In The Bar I thought I would give it a go.
In the past I had performed some comedy poems under the name Hamish McScottie. The reason I invented this character was because my father had a green tartan suit from the 1970’s which had huge flares and which I thought was mega cool. So I stuck what is known as a ‘Jimmy Hat’ of the green tartan variety on my head and thus Hamish was born.
However, I wasn’t particularly comfortable performing as Hamish and so I let it go after a while. Scottish people don’t really like those ‘Jimmy Hats’. They are just for tourists and fitba fans to buy and wear.
I wanted to perform those same poems again and rather than perform them as myself I invented a character called Nob Stewart. Nob was more or less the same as Hamish, in that they are both arsehole’s but I think Nob is a bit more ballsy.
I had bought a Rod Stewart wig for a works fancy dress party which got cancelled and as I am Scottish and wanted to get my money’s worth out of it somehow, I invented Nob.
Stars in the Bar was billed as a talent competition but it was really just a jazzed up Karaoke competition and so even though the poem I performed, which was Itchy Willy, got a few laughs I didn’t qualify for the next round.
So, as I can’t sing for toffee I knew I would never qualify for the next round based on my singing ability to so I had to go for the comedy angle. With the idea of Nob already with me I changed the words of the Rod Stewart song Maggie May which is about a younger man going out with an older lady to make it about Nob visiting a prostitute, with very little left to the imagination.
With this song I got through the heat and the semi-final all the way to the final building up a small fanbase on the way!! Believe me I was more surprised than anyone.
For the final we had to sing two songs so I changed the words of Satisfaction to (No) Big Erection. I will tell you the background to how I came up with that idea in another blog.
I do have the final on video as well but the camera work is really bad and also I balls up my performance a bit. Mainly because I was a bit nervous because the final was a very serious affair with all the contestants family members there because there was a caberet contract up for grabs, which let’s face it, Nob was never going to win.
Never mind, the whole thing was a good adventure and it gave me my appetite back for performing which was soon to be squashed again by the events of the Gong Show which will recount in a future post, so stay tuned for that one.
In the meantime here is my or should I say Nobs performance in the Semi Final with the lyrics below, including my spoken word bit at the end. Come on Sing-a-long!
Nob’s Introduction
Let me give ye’s the backgroond tae this performance. Ye see, there wiz a caberet competition in ma local bar in Fa’kirk called Stars In The Bar and as a’ had nothing better tae dae that nicht a’ thought a’ wuid gie it a go.
After all a’ had nothin’ tae lose and the winner of the competition wiz gonna get a Caberet contract so although a’ didnae ‘hink a’ had much chance ae that a’ thought if a’ done a’richt a’ might get a blowjob oot ae it fae some really drunk bird who wiz loves dirty talk.
So a’ bought masel a new leapord skinned coat and a’ wiz off. A’ got through the heat and then the semi-final (above) wiz a breeze.
A’ got intae the final but a cannae mind much aboot it cause a’ had aboot 4 beers and a couple ae spliffs afore it. Needless tae say a’ didnae win or get a blowjob but fae this competition ma singing career wiz born.
Fair do’s it hasnae went very far as yet but ye never ken. That’s why I keep plodding awa’. Yin day maybe a’ will make it big across the pond. Ye kin aye’ways dream eh?
So whit aboot you lot? Have any ae ye’s ever entered a caberet or karaoke competition? Hoo did it gae? Dae any o’ yoo’s hae dreams aboot makin’ it big or even jist earning yer crust on the Karaoke circuit of yer local toon? If so, why no’ tell uz aboot it below and if ye hae a video ae it on YouTube even better, pit the link in there.
Cheers the noo
Nob
Wake up Suzie I think I got something tae give tae you
I’m as hard as wood and I ken you love a morning screw
You ken you’ve never refused, in fact I feel I’m being used
Oh Suzie, I dinnae want tae cry anymore
You shag me to the bone then you tell me to go home
Take ma money but don’t tell me you’re a whore
My salty cum when it’s in your face makes you earn yer wage
You’re careful not to let in run in your eyes you say it stings
You are one sexy fox, you love it up your dungbox
Oh Suzie, I dinnae want tae cry any more
You shag me to the bone then you tell me to go home
Take ma money but don’t tell me you’re a whore
All I needed was a hole to stick ma willy in
You provided several and became my doting lover, you ended my drought
All we did was stay in the bed
While you gave me some bloody good head
Oh Suzie, I dinnae want tae cry any more
You shag me to the bone then you tell me to go home
Take ma money but don’t tell me you’re a whore
I suppose I could read dirty books when I’ve got the horn
Or extend my sexual cue and make a living out of amateur porn
Or find myself a new girlfriend, who will spit polish my bell end
Oh Suzie, I wish I’d never cum in your face
You made a sexual deviant out of me
Now I’m as perved as a man can be
You stole my wallet but I love you anyway
Oh Suzie, oh Suzie darling, why did you do it?
Why did you nick my wallet?
Why did you break the bond of trust that existed between us?
We had a bond of trust you know
After a put my dick in your arse and shot all over your face
I thought we were united together forever
But you stole my wallet
You didn’t need to do that Suzie
I would have gladly run all my credit cards up to the max just for you
I would have re-mortgaged ma hoose
Just tae get another taste of your juicy pussy
