Adverts

You know the thing I hate most about Television, it’s the goddam adverts. They all set impossible standards for us to live up to don’t they? I mean no matter how hard you try, you can never meet these imaginary standards.

I, for instance have a problem with Cds. I’ve got far too many Cds. If I were to listen to all my Cds consecutively, one after the other, starting now, I would still be listening to them by the time politicians start telling the truth!! And by that time the Sun would have run out of hydrogen to burn.

“Honest, I have your best interests at heart. Would I lie to you ? “

But every month I’ve got to buy at least another 10 Cds as recommended by the latest cool and trendy music mag or else I feel as though my poor little life is just not complete without them.

And everyone is affected by adverts or image one way or another.

I mean, take you ladies for example, if I may be so bold.

You could spend half your waking life trying to get your hair just like your favourite Friends character and still look like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards.

This is how you want to look.

This is how you actually look.

You could have your ears, nose, tongue, lips, nipples, bellybutton and clitoris all pierced so many times it’s a wonder you only bleed once a month!!

It starts out innocently enough…..

Before you know it …..you’re a ball bearing!!

You could have your skin laser treated by Dr Darth Vader. You may end up scarred for life but your insecurity dictates that “it’s worth the risk”.

“Now, just sit back and relax…….and may the force be with you.”

You could join a Health club and go on a diet until you make Geri Halliwell and Posh Spice look like The Weather Girls. Hallelujah, it’s raining lettuce!!

The Lettuce Girls.

The Keepin’ It Real Girls

You could have your nose reshaped to the perfect nose, whatever the fuck that is; I can breathe and smell through mine, it does me alright.

Q: Who is the odd one out?

A: The middle one. The other two have ridiculous fucking noses.

You could have your tits inflated to such a size that Richard Branson makes you an offer you can’t refuse to buy your underwear off you, so that he can try to set a new world record. First man to circumnavigate the world in a hot air bra.

“We sold our bra’s to Branson.  Party on!!”

Bransons latest desperate attempt for a world record.

You could have so many dolphin tattoos; that you can no longer sunbathe on the beach, for fear of a team of do-gooders coming along and throwing you back in the water repeatedly until you drown.

“Help!!! I just want to sunbathe!!!”

You could never ever go to bed again, just to make sure that you’re never ever seen without make up.

On second thoughts girls….

After and Before

…keep the fucking make up on.

You could send and receive so many text messages that you never know, you may even read the equivalent of a book someday.

School aint’ what it used to be.

You could have such a huge expensive jewellery collection that Bobby George is green with envy.

You should see his cock ring….

…it weighs a tonne.

You could own so many mod cons that you could spend every minute of every day sitting on your fat arse watching inbred family members actively being encouraged to beat the crap out of each other on national TV and you still think Jerry Springer is a nice guy.

“Go on Rover. Beat the shit out of her…it’s good for ratings”

You could have so many posters of the latest Boy Band on your bedroom wall that even your 8-year-old sister spews her ring at the sight of them.

Some might say no more….but I will…….’fuckin tossers’.

You could go for your typical 2 week holiday in Spain every year, have so much sex with well, you don’t care who, as long as it’s got a cock, that you never know one year you might even shag a Spaniard.

Make sure you put a condom on it first…

…it’s the one at this end…….you tart!!

You could buy so many designer labels that the poor exploited Korean lady who actually makes them gets a 3p Xmas bonus that year. Mind you, that’s 3p more than we get.

“Oh shit. My boyfriend will crack up when he sees the Visa bill”

You could have the latest ‘must-have’ sports car, of course you won’t be able to drive it, cause you won’t be able to afford the petrol, let alone the road tax and insurance but your friend’s will be suitably impressed nonetheless.

“If only this thing ran on orange juice”

You could see every ‘must see, unmissable, miss this and you’re bonkers’ Hollywood movie that comes out and you’d still be bonkers with the IQ of the average George Clooney fan. Although I must admit I did enjoy that film ‘Oh Brother Where Art Thou’.

Words fail me.

You could do all that to try and be cool and hip and happening and then you find out to your Horror, that you’re not Gay!! “You bastard God, why didn’t you make me Gay?” you would scream.

Because homosexuality is the latest craze now isn’t it? Every woman’s a fucking carpet muncher!!

“MMmm, tastes delicious.”

So you say to yourself “Oh well every other girl has got a face full of pussy, I better get in about it”.

“Everybody else is doing it. It must be good.”

And just so you don’t think I’m picking on all you lovely ladies, the men could be the same.

They could watch so much football that they can give full player history of the Latvian Under 21 second eleven and they’ve still got the cheek to complain when their wife wants her and her mum taken out for a drive on Sunday afternoon when the live football is on AND she won’t let them listen to it on the car radio!!!! Talk about a double whammy.

“I wish that bloody cage was sound proof”

They could drink so much beer that Budweiser withdraw their ‘Whassup, Whassup’ advert cause the fans have taken the joke too far and are embarrassing themselves and the company beyond all hope of forgiveness from the rest of the population.

Ok lads, the advert was 400 million years ago………it wasn’t funny the first fucking time.

They could….eh…well, that’s about it really. Men are simple creatures.

Then they can start sucking on a big cock. “Everybody else is doing it, it must be good” Spunk coming out there mouths “Everyone else is doing it.” Taking big carrots up their arse.

“It’s the new craze. I can’t get left behind.”

By the way, I have nothing at all against gay people. I’m actually glad to see that there are still some happy gay people in the world.

Obviously they don’t watch any fucking adverts.

Video to Match Rant

Killing Us Softly 3 -Advertising’s Image of Women

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