Beach Madness

Nob Stewart

Nob and Callie

Ma guid friend Callie wiz leavin’ Antalya an’ headed fur pastures new and cause oor friend Michael had been tae America and had orders tae bring her back a big bag ae M&Ms she came tae ma neck ae the woods tae collect them.

It wiz also a good excuse fur her tae see me aftir ma back operation so it killed twa birds.

As ye may ken a’ hiv been aff the bevvy fur a while but oot ae respect fur Callie a’ decided tae come aff the wagon fur a couple ae drinks, a mean, whit could possibly go wrong? Aye, mare on that later.

When Natasha and masel turned up Callie and Michael and Serap were already there.

Michael, Nob, Serap and Callie

We had brought Callie a couple ae small presents, yin ae them bein’ a bottle ae dark rum.

We had a couple ae beers at the bar and it wiz all well and guid but then Michael and the rest ae the group left as they had work the next day so Callie, Natasha and masel obviously had tae go tae the beach tae see hoo much ae Callie’s rum we could drink.

A’ went on ma moped and got some plastic cups, some cola and a couple mare beers fur guid measure and they walked and we met at the beach, foond a spot, plonked oorselves doon and cracked open the drinks.

Natasha took her shorts off and stood waist height in the sea almost immediately. It soon dawned on Callie whit she wiz up tae. It is yin ae ma favourite places tae take a leak an’ aw.

Aftir a beer and some rum a’ need tae go fur a ‘swim’ as well. Callie had seen photaes ae me naked on Olympos beach so a’ am assumin’ that is why she said in her American drawl “Don’t you need to take your shorts off Nob?”

Well, whae am a’ tae turn doon such a request? Even if a’ didnae want tae it wiz a dare and a’ never back doon fae a dare, especically if it involves me getting’ ma kit aff.

Gettin' ma kit aff.

So, even though Natasha wiz standin’ by me and there were a few othir people (all adults) nae far fae us, a’ whipped them aff an’ jumped in the sea tae let some beer oot and Natasha, whae didnae seem tae mind ma nakedness at aw swam beside me fur a while (aftir a’ had finished emptyin’ ma cargo, obviously).

Then back tae Callie fur some mare drinkin’, A’ also had ma music box there and so we were enjoyin’ the classic tunes and haein’ a’ richt guid blether. Then whit dae ye ken, mother nature called me again and as it had become a’ bit ae a ritual, a’ whipped ma breeks aff and jumped in naked fur the second time, wi’ Natasha nae far behind me.

Nob and Natasha

This time hooever aftir oor pee Natasha wanted a cuddle. And so we got a bit close and yin ‘hing led tae anither and before ye ken it a’ had penetrated her. Whit’s a man tae dae in such a situation but go wi’ the flow.

We tried oor best tae be discreet. She wiznae moanin’ loudly and we wernae splashin’ like drownin’ cats. Fur aw anybody else kent we could ae jist been haein’ a nice we cuddle. Ok, so she wiz movin’ up and doon a wee bit but a’ amnae exactly King Dong so even that wiznae that noticeable.

A’ wiz wearin’ ma new baseball hat wi’ a photae ae me on it taken aftir ma son had poked me in the eye and a’ had tae visit hospital where they poured iodine in ma eye tae dae an examination. On it, it has the wurds ‘Whit are ye lookin it?’ underneath it.

Well, it must gie aff some powerful angry energy or su’hin that makes others aggressive cause next ‘hing ye ken, totally oot ae naewhere some stones startin’ tae land jist beside us in the water. Like, dead close. It took a’ few seconds afore a’ realised they wernae an act ae God but rather bein hurled by twa angry women, who had jist appeared on the beach and had a couple ae children wi’ them.

They were screamin’ su’hin aboot their childrens eyes and therefore souls hiv been darkened by evil foreigners. Noo, bearin’ in mind it wiz past yin o’clock at this point and they wernae there when we went intae the water.

Ok, so the game wiz up. So even though Natasha hadnae achieved her Orgasm yet she hopped aff and a’ gave them the thumbs up! They didnae like that much and started screamin’ some mare. A’ then gave the peace sign and they liked that even less. It wiz dark so maybe they noticed that a’ had reversed it.

Natasha climbed oot the sea coverin’ her bare breasts and threw me ma shorts tae put on in the sea this time, as opposed tae the shoreline like the time afore. A’ felt fur the rope at the front tae make sure a’ didnae put them on back tae front and climed oot.

By this time the ladies (well a’ call them that but if yin ae they rocks had hit yin ae us they would hae been called the defendants, well in the UK they would be anyway) had been joined by some guys so there wiz quite a big team ae them there.

Ye ken, whit wiz their problem? They made such a big fuss and deal aboot two people giving pleasure tae each other that it attracted their childrens attention a million times mare than if they jist moved along the beach 20 metres or so.

The kids didn’t know anythin’ aboot whit we were up tae until they started bursin’ their blood vessels. Well, a dinnae ‘hink so anway. And noo, they will be mare curious wonderin’ whit aw the fuss wiz aboot. Well, thats ma theory anyway and a’ am stickin’ tae it.

They threw a few mare stones and shouted a bit but we ignored them and continued drinkin’ and singin’ along tae the music. Rock and roll, eh?

Next ‘hing ye ken though, a security geezer turned up. Yep, they had called the beach security on us. Fair enough , a’ suppose. Whitever. He talked tae them and came back tae us who, by the way, at this point were sittin’ in a circle holdin’ hands and singin’ Hey Jude.

He said su’hin aboot no’ goin’ in the water and so a’ said ‘Aye, dinnae fear, it’ll no’ happen again. Point taken.’ He then went back tae talk tae the screamin’ women.

Obviously this answer wiznae guid enough fur them and the geezer asked us tae leave. It wiz quite funny. A’ wiz sayin’ tae the dude ‘Sen Iyi Adam, evet mu?’ which means ‘You are a good man, yeah?’ He said ‘Yeah, a’ am only doin’ ma job’. A’ said ‘ Nae problem, let us pack oor stuff and leave’.

Ye ken, a’ could hae got angry and confronted them if a’ wanted but a’ wiz prepared tae accept we were in the wrong and didnae see the point ae makin’ any mare fuss that there already wiz, although Natasha wiz a blue torch paper at that point, so a’ wiz bein’ careful no’ tae licht that as well. Callie wiz jist sittin’ in disbelief.

So, we packed up and the security dude headed aff first, followed by Callie, Natasha and me bringin’ up the rear. Afore a’ left though a’ turned tae the group and said wi’ a big smile, “Görüşürüz ” which means ‘Goodbye’. Obviously it wiz met by mare yellin’ and screamin’.

As a’ walked aff the beach a’ noticed ma shorts and started pissin’ masel laughin. A’ pointed that oot tae Callie and Natasha and they thought it hilarious too. We were in fits as the Security dude approached us again, as he pointed tae ma shorts. Callie spotted the opportunity fur a priceless photae.

Nob and Security Man

Then they went tae get a taxi hame as a’ explained tae the dude that a’ wiz jist aboot tae get on ma moped and drive hame.

A’ said tae him ‘Insan Cok Aptal, evet mu?’ which means ‘Those people are stupid aren’t they?’ and he agreed. He then got a piece of paper and wrote his phone number and email address on it fur me tae look him up on facebook. He explained that cause he wiz dain nightshift his lunch wiz at 3am and he asked me tae join him on the beach fur a cup ae tea later on.

Noo, that is whit a’ call an enlightened security geezer. Dinnae ye ‘hink? Pure quality. A’ really would hae like tae hae joined him but ma hoose is aboot 3kms awa’ and a’ had tae get back and meet the girls. We said oor goodbyes and a’ hoped on the moped and aff a scaddadled.

No’ surprisingly, a’ wiz first back tae the hoose and wiz dain’ a pee in the garden when they showed up wi’ anither bottle ae cola as they had planned on makin’ some Long Island Iced Teas. Well. that wiz aftir me and Callie ate Natasha’s delicious Fish Soup.

Callie kept on goin’ on aboot “Gettin’ stones thrown at you by Muslims. My God! Escorted off the beach. I can’t believe it!”

A’ explained this kind ae shit happens tae me aw the time in yin form ae anither but actually a’ dae ‘hink this time could be su’hin significant.

Ye see, a’ hiv been tryin’ tae gie up drink fur a while and a’ hadnae had yin fur three weeks. It seems that every time a’ drink a’ get these signs sent by the universe that it isnae servin’ me anymare. It has been buildin’ fur a while but this time a’ thought that a’ should really heed the warnin’. Dudes in uniform are startin’ tae get involved, albeit friendly yins fur the time bein’,

Drink wi me is like whit Kevin Booth said aboot Bill Hicks, ‘it is like pourin’ gasoline on fire’. Shit aye’ways seem tae go wrong and a’ am jist left tae clean up the aftermath. Thankfully there wiz nae blood spilt this time…..jist… by aboot twa feet!

Anyway, Natasha fell asleep around 2.30am and me and Callie shot the shit until 5am where she eventually called time on the evenin’…thankfully.

Nob and Callie in the Green Hoose.

Cause a’ wiz prepared tae drink richt through until evenin’ like the other nicht oot that we had yin time where we didnae go tae bed aw nicht and a’ ended up driving 70km tae Olympos where we continued drinking tae 10pm. That wiz a mental nicht an aw.

The Photaes

Cheers the noo


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