Burst Pipes

billywatsontv, billy watson, comedy, comedian, humour, scottish, nob stewart, funny, poet

We were fast approaching
Anothir Scottish winter
If ye wanted tae go ootside
Ye had tae become a sprinter

So a’ said bugger this
Let’s treat oorselves this year
So a’ went an’ booked a holiday
Fur me and ma precious dear

The day afore we went
Ma mother gave uz a call
“Enjoy yourself” she said
“But don’t get into any brawl

Remember your last holiday
When you got a bad reaction
To spilling someone’s beer
And you ended up in traction”

“Thanks fur remindin’ me maw
But that wasnae the cause ae that
It wiz cause a’ telt him
That a’ thought his burd was fat”

She also said tae me
“Remember at all cost
To turn your mains water off
Cause we’re expecting frost”

But a a’m tired ae getting lectured
Every time she calls
So a’ had stopped listenin’
An’ wiz playin’ wi’ ma balls

A’ wish a’d paid mare attention
Tae her soond advice
Cause by no’ takin’ precautions
A’ paid the ultimate price

Fur on returnin’ fae oor holiday
We were totally shocked
The ceilin’ had a hole in it
An’ the flaer squeaked wherever ye walked

“AAaaarrgghhh, a’ forgot tae renew the insurance”
Wiz the first thing that a’ said
Ma wife gave me a long hard look
That implied a’ would soon be dead

“You had better be joking”
She said, wi’ nae hint ae a smile
“Or else you’d better get your trainers on
And run a country mile”

“Yeah, course a’ am jokin’ sweetheart
Ye dinnae worry aboot a ‘hing
Jist ye stay wi’ yer Maw the nicht
While a’ try tae get rid ae the ming”

A’ then went and rummaged
Through ma neighbours bin
A’ had tae somehow raise the cash
Tae get the builders in

A’ went roond the whole estate
But the bin men had come that day
Isn’t that bloody typical?
Nu’hin’ goes ma way

So a’ put aw oor savings
On a long shot runnin’ at 3 o’ clock
Got doon on ma knees and prayed
Jist yince fur a pleasant shock

A’ dinnae ken why a’ bothered
God doesnae even ken a’ exist
Or if he does, whit hiv a’ done
Tae make him so bloody pissed?

There wiz only yin solution left
It wiz the yin a’ was dreadin’
It wiz doon tae the docks
Tae get ma arse cheeks a-spreadin’

A’ want ye all tae ken
A’ got not yin second ae pleasure
Fae the reamings a’ took
Tae get the required treasure

At least ma wife never foond oot
Whit an arsehole a’d been
When in an emergency, a’d used the renewal form
Tae wipe ma bum clean

Billy’s Version

We were fast approaching
Another Scottish winter
If you wanted tae go outside
You had to become a sprinter

So I said bugger this
Let’s treat ourselves this year
So I went and booked a holiday
For me and my precious dear

The day before we went
My mother gave me a call
“Enjoy yourself” she said
“But don’t get into any brawl

Remember your last holiday
When you got a bad reaction
To spilling someone’s beer
And you ended up in traction”

“Thanks for reminding me mum
But that wasn’t the cause of that
It was because I told him
That I thought his bird was fat”

She also said to me
“Remember at all cost
You’d better turn your water off
Cause we’re expecting frost”

But I’m tired of getting lectured
Every time she calls
So I had stopped listening
And was playing with my balls

I wish I’d paid more attention
To her sound advice
Cause by not taking precautions
I paid the ultimate price

For on returning from our holiday
We were totally shocked
The ceiling had a hole in it
And the floor squeaked wherever you walked

“AAaaarrgghhh, I forgot to renew the insurance”
Was the first thing that I said
My wife gave me a long hard look
That implied I would soon be dead

“You had better be joking”
She said with no hint of a smile
“Or else you’ d better get your trainers on
And run a country mile”

“Yeah, of course I’m joking sweetheart
You don’t worry about a thing
You can stay with your Mother tonight
While I try to get rid of the ming”

I then went and rummaged
Through my neighbours bin
I had tae somehow raise the cash
To get the builders in

I went round the whole estate
But the bin men had come that day
Isn’t that bloody typical?
Nothing goes my way

So I put all our savings
On a long shot running at three o’ clock
Got down on my knees and prayed
Just once for a pleasant shock

I don’t know why I bothered
God doesn’t even know I exist
Or if he does, what have I done
To make him so bloody pissed?

There was only one solution left
It was the one I was dreading
It wiz down to the docks
To get my arse cheeks a-spreading

I want you all to know
I got not one second of pleasure
From the reamings I took
To get the required treasure

At least my wife never found out
What an arsehole I’d been
When in an emergency, I’d used the renewal form
To wipe my bum clean

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