I have been interested in what you would say in alternative news for quite some time now. When I first got into it, like most who do, I was labelled a conspiracy theorist. I prefer the term conspiracy researcher. In fact, I recently discovered an article which says that conspiracy theorists are actually more sane than those who believe the government bullshit.
I never claim to know the whole truth because there is always more to learn but I do get annoyed at people who won’t listen to alternative viewpoints. Here is how I tried to put those feelings into a comedy script.
See me, I love Bill Hicks. If you haven’t heard of Bill Hicks, may I suggest you get a fucking life and buy all his CD’s and Videos immediately and play them repeatedly until you get the fucking MESSAGE!!!
God, I love that man. See if a terrorist put a gun to my head and said that he was going to blow my fucking head off unless I sucked a guy’s cock. The cock I would choose would be a toss up, ha, literally a toss up, between Bill Hicks’s cock and Mohammed Ali’s.
That is of course Mohammed Ali’s cock when he was in his prime. You know, I don’t want to suck some old guys cock. I don’t want you getting the wrong impression of me. Oh and obviously it would be Bill Hick’s cock when he was still alive, cause he died in 1993. I don’t think he’s got much of a cock left to suck by now. I’m not really into necrophilia myself. I think necrophilia’s are a bit of a dying breed…or is that their victims?
I can’t remember, anyway in the end, I would probably pick Mohammed Ali’s cock to suck but only because I think he would have had the finer specimen. But Bills would be a close second.
I think its maybe because I’ve watched so much Bill Hicks that first of all I wanted to be a comedian and secondly why I really, really wanted to start a revolution. Watching too much Bill Hicks can have that effect on you. In fact, if it doesn’t, check your fucking pulse, you moron.
But you have to be careful though, because I found out that the saying that ‘what you fight you become’ is true. Because I was turning into a bit of a fascist dictator myself.
I’m a Lover…
I didn’t care if people laughed or not I just demanded they quit their jobs and join my revolution. When they didn’t, I got rather upset. I wanted to take them outside for a fight. And it was so unlike me because I’m a lover not a fighter and I’ve got spaghetti like arms anyway.
I can hardly fight ma way oot a paper bag so a’ am not going tae be much use against the Police and their rubber bullets and tear gas.
Revolution of Love
I guess I still do want to start a revolution but it wouldn’t be a typical revolution with fighting in the streets and all that. Oh no, the revolution I would like to start would be a revolution of love.
But not that wishy-washy kind of Love that fucking Boyzone or Westlife or any of those other fucking half-witted tosspots sing about. I’m talking about more of a Led Zeppliny kind of love.
Love with a nice big pair of hairy Balls attached to it. Love that takes no shit. Because if you truly loved yourself you wouldn’t bend over and take Satans cock up your arse everyday.
So, as I say, I’d like to start a revolution. Now to do that I am going to have to moan about a few things. Even though there is nothing I hate more in this world than a moaning faced bastard. You know the type. He or she may be your best pal but sometimes they can really piss you off.
For instance, one time I was doing some hillwalking in the Scottish Highlands with a friend who could moan for fucking Scotland. I thought the change of scenery would do him good. Get it, change of scenery….never mind.
Half way up the mountain, I looked around. I was astounded.
“Stop” I said, “take a look around”
“What is it?” he asked.
“Look, clear blue skies, spectacular scenery in all directions, the sun reflecting off the crystal blue water of the loch, Eagles and Kestrels flying overhead, peace and tranquility. I feel totally relaxed and at one with myself and the universe. You know, if there is a Heaven, then surely, surely, it can’t be any better than this.”
And then my friend pops up with “I ah know, but will you look at that. That’s a fucking disgrace by the way”
I said “What? What’s a disgrace? This is Heaven on Earth; it doesn’t get any better than this.”
“Aye, I know” he said, “but look, somebody’s left a half empty Irn Bru bottle on the ground, that’s a fucking disgrace by the way.”
I said “NO!!!! You’re the fucking disgrace. So why don’t you fuck off back to the car and play your Robbie Williams Cds and I’ll see you in about 8 hours. Because you’re obviously incapable of appreciating beauty in ANY form.
Oh and by the way, the Irn Bru bottle is half full, OK ?.”
So to get my revolution of the ground, these writings are a kind of peaceful protest against what is known as Globalisation and all the things that go along with that. But before I start could I just ask, are there any police officers reading this? No? That’s good, because I don’t want to be shot through the head for my peaceful protest.
Like that guy in Genoa. Remember that? That poor guy just thought he’d have a day out with his friends, doing a little peaceful protest against huge corporations taking over the world. He maybe made a placard up that said, ‘Down with Evil Empires’ or something. Maybe he was singing some songs “We shall overcome, we shall overcome.”
“No You Fucking Shant” BANG!!! Bulllet. Straight through his head. The guy is now pan bread. Totally dead. You know, I mean, fuck that, for a laugh. I don’t really want to take this peaceful protesting that far.
I’ve Read Top Many Conspiracy Theories
You see, as well as watching a lot of Bill Hicks, I’m also really interested in reading about Conspiracy Theories, I think that’s my biggest problem.
Can I just issue a word of warning for any of you who may be thinking about reading some conspiracy theories yourself. It can make you a bit paranoid, I must admit. I now think everything is a conspiracy. Everything. I even think the over-use of the phrase ‘conspiracy theory’ is a fucking conspiracy. That’s how fucked up I am.
To give you an example of just how paranoid I am, one day I had a very strong desire to make myself an omelette. I don’t know where this urge came from but I had an omelette craving from hell. So I rushed out the house to buy some eggs.
I got to the shop “Hello mate, I’m just in for some eggs” “Hold on” “What?” “We’ve no eggs left” “No eggs left. That’s a bit strange, never mind”
So I went to another shop and they too had run out of eggs. Mmmm a bit spooky. So I went to another and another, there wasn’t a egg left in the whole fucking village!!!
I thought to myself, “Jesus Christ. The bastards are trying to stop me making a fucking omelette now!!!! What the fuck is the world coming to?”
Then I realized it was actually Easter Sunday. And instead they’d made all the Christians buy eggs, boil them, paint them and roll them down hills for no apparent reason.
So I thought to myself, Ok I’ll have a jam sandwich instead. Thankfully, there was still some bread left in the shop. The Christians never managed to get their hands on all the bread. So they could pretend they were eating the body of Christ. Fucking Sickos.
And as if pretending to eat his flesh wasn’t bad enough, they also simulate the act of drinking his blood. What kind of fucked up cannibalistic rituals have been going on in the church all these years? Mind you, it might just be a good excuse for a piss up.
All the holier than thou society do gooders, who only go to church to be seen there by the local community of fellow pretend do gooders.
“What me? Drink? Oh no, I don’t drink. Just a couple of bottles of Jesus’s blood every Friday night and Sunday morning. It good for the soul you know. And it makes sitting through two hours of that boring bastard of a priest, a hellava lot easier.”
When I first started reading about all this conspiracy stuff I was totally shocked and stunned. I couldn’t believe what I was reading so I wanted to share it with my friends and colleagues just to see what they thought about it. As you probably would do yourself.
So I tried talking to my friends about it. I said “Hey Guys, I’ve been reading some mad shit about the Freemasons, the Skull and Bones Society and the New World Order. Do you fancy having a read at some of these books and letting me know your thoughts?”
But they just didn’t want to know! They weren’t fucking interested in the slightest.
They just said, “Oh, For fuck’s sake Billy, give us peace will you. We just want to drink our beer and watch football and communicate to each other by saying ‘Whassup? Whassup?’ all the time. We don’t want to listen to you and your paranoid conspiracy theories”
I was quite taken aback by their apathetic attitude. So I said, “Look, just because a Multi Million Dollar Hollywood Film Company made a film called Conspiracy Theory starring that Australian Scotsman fella…..Mel Wallace. That doesn’t mean to say that every conspiracy story is just some theory plucked from thin air or that every so called conspiracy theorist is an escaped mental patient!!!”
I said “It’s purely by coincidence that I’m an escaped mental patient.”
But they just said, “Look man, Whassup, Whassup, here have a Bud and watch the game, Whassup, Whassup?”
I said, “Ok guys. Fine. If you want to remain Teletubbies for the rest of your natural born life, that’s fine with me. freewill and all that. I’ll go and find someone else to talk to. Someone with more than two brain cells to rub together, although granted that rules about 90% of the population out.”
Talk To My Mum
So I thought ‘Who could I talk to that would at least have an intelligent conversation about these matters? Oh I know, I’ll go and talk to my mum. Surely she would listen to me. After all, she is quite intelligent and I am the fruit of her loins.’
So I phoned my mum up and said “Hello Mum, any chance of dinner?” She said “Ok, I’ll stick some fish fingers under the grill.” I said “Excellent, I’ll be there in 30 minutes” Because if you’re going to visit you’re mum, you’ve got to let her feed you dinner. So that she feels like a real mum. And you’ve always got to give her a kiss when you leave. If you always do those two things, you won’t go far wrong in life, I feel. Eh, I don’t mean with tongues though. Then you’re going pretty far wrong indeed.
So I went over to her house and halfway through dinner I thought ‘Mmm, how am I going to bring this subject up, it’s quite a dodgy subject this, the old conspiracy theories.’ ‘Fuck it’ I thought, ‘I’m just going to dive right in.’ I said “Mum, I’ve got some really, really bad news for you.” She said “What, what, are they going to cancel Eastenders?” I said “No mum, nothing quite as tragic as that.”
I said, “Mum do you know how your Grandpa died in the trenches during the First World War?” “Yes.” “And you know how your Dad, my Grandad, was killed during the Second World War, when his parachute failed to open and he landed on the tip of The Eiffel Tower?”
“Yes, it was terrible, absolutely terrible. Trust you to bring that up. What a way for the family to get their 15 minutes of fame. There he was trying to murder some German people for the good of his country and he ended up being impaled by the World’s biggest phallic symbol. Oh, the irony, the irony, unbelievable.”
“Yes, well anyway mum, I have come across some information that very strongly suggests, shall we say, if not, proves beyond question, that the two fucking sides in two fucking world wars, were fucking funded and controlled by the same group of fucking people. People we never get to hear about in the fucking mainstream media. What do you think of that then?”
And do you know what my dear old mum said? She said “Oh my God, that’s disgraceful….How dare you swear in my house like that. Go and wash your mouth out with soap and water, this instant, young man. That’ll be £3 you owe the swear box. That’s terrible language, so it is. If you keep talking like that we’ll soon be able to afford The World at War commemorative box set on DVD.”
Hold on mum, you didn’t quite get that, did you?
A Different Approach
So I tried a different approach, I said “OK Mum, you know that church you go to so religiously every week? How about the fact that the hierarchy of that church know full well, that what they preach is in fact a load of baloney! And it has been used throughout the ages to install fear into the masses and to imprison people spiritually, not to set them free at all.”
I mean, I don’t know about you folks, but to me, the church is just like an insurance company, don’t you think? It’s like “Aye, come on in, come on in. For only £15 pounds a month, a couple Hail Marys and your free thinking mind. We’ll give you a lifetimes guarantee on a great afterlife!!! The Church. We’re here to help.
Just don’t ask us to help any homeless or starving people in this lifetime with the millions we have in our coffers. Those big Pope hats don’t come cheap you know!!
Or those limited edition pope mobiles. 3″ thick the glass them, they don’t come cheap either. Or those extra tough durex we use for shagging young boys up the arse. Don’t come fucking cheap you know. We’re going through them like the clappers just now. It’s fucking no real.
Due to cutbacks a lot of the priests are actually having to go bareback! And you want us to help the starving and the homeless? We’ve got problems of our own you know.”
And then I said to my mum “Oh yeah mum, and another thing, what about the fact that the government knows that the education system is being designed more and more to keep people in ignorance.
And also to convince them at an early age into believing that life is shit! It’s like, Monday to Friday some bossy cunt tells you what to do, and if you’re good you get let out to play for the weekend. Oo La Fucking La!
“Well mum, what do you think of that?”
And do you know what my dear old mum said?, She said, “Now, now Billy, you know the rules, you know the rules. No talking about religion or politics in my house please. It only leads to arguments!!!!”
I mean Jesus Christ, what chance have you got?
Who the hell invented that saying anyway – no talking about religion or politics – I think it was politicians and priests myself – cause if we did talk about it we would very soon realise that we’re getting a huge double ended dildo rammed up our arse every single day of our pathetic little lives. That’s right, I said, pathetic little lives, heh, heh, heh
I think the media is part of the conspiracy, I think it lies to us big time. For instance, I’ve been reading these weird books for about 6-7 years now and it turns out that nearly every newspaper article I’ve read in my life has had some falsehood in it to some degree or another.
In fact, there has only been one article that I can remember reading that has been 100% categorically true and that was the Freddie Star Ate My Hamster story. The rest I take with a pinch of salt.
Why are people so adverse to hearing a different viewpoint. I don’t believe all the conspiracy shit I read but I at least think it’s worth talking about, you know, as adults as opposed to Ostriches.
Knowledge is Power
Occasionally I do find someone who is willing to chat about these things.
For instance I met a guy on a training course I was on who mentioned to me that he read that Michael Moore book, Stupid White Men.
I said to him “Think you can handle your conspiracy theories, eh?” I came back to him the next day “Read these books, watch these videos.” When he returned them the following week, he was like “Aye Billy, that stuff’s a bit mad” “Aye, I’m not finished with you. Read these books, watch these videos”
Two weeks later he was a paranoid wreck. He can’t leave his house. He just hides under his covers saying “Help, help, the aliens are coming, the reptile aliens are coming, we’re all doomed….doomed I say.” His friends have disowned him and his Mum doesn’t invite him round for tea anymore. Sounds familiar.
I have reassured him that it’s just an awakening process he’s going through and that he will be stronger at the end of it but that’s not much consolation to him right now.
Soon he will realize he has to find his true path in life and spread love unreservedly into everyone he meets in his daily day. But first he needs to summon the courage to come out from underneath his covers. Then, when he does, the world will be his oyster.