Cryptic Clips

cryptic_clues

I fell out with this guy
But he didn’t know about it
I just started posted cryptic youtube clips
On the forum
Of his website
Which was a carbon copy of my one
Except better
Cause I told him all the ideas I had for mine
And then he went and done them
While I took no responsibility for my own life
But now was revenge time
Cause he insulted me
On his successful forum
One which people actually visit
Cause of all the hard work he done
Actually setting it up
Instead of wondering if you are good enough
While proving you aren’t
By devoting most of your time
To shall we say
Less constructive pursuits
Like trying to sell over priced property
To non existent customers
For maximum profit
For the least amount of work
And zero responsibility
That and wanking
How not to get things done
While using up excess life force
A popular thread on his site just happened to die
Because I had posted too many country and western songs
And even though in it’s inception
I was a key motivator in getting it off the ground
By now most people had lost the will to live
So after a couple of months
He had the gall to suggest that his songs were going to give the thread back it’s “sanity”
Thus, implying that I was insane
However right that may be
It’s the principle of the thing
I doth protest
Especially when he followed my comedy version of Band Aid – Bank Aid
With the title – Do They Loan This Christmas Time?
With fucking Faith Hill
Now, I haven’t even heard any Faith Hill
And I don’t intend to start now
Cause I know she’s pish
If she’s anything like her father
Jimmy
Chiny reck on
Mind you the songs I had on before were a Merle Haggerd killer threesome
Are The Good Times Really Over?
Misery and Gin
And, If We Make It Through December
And before that was the awesome double header of
George Jones singing Lonely Christmas Call
And then Tammy Wynette, his divorcee
Singing For The Kids
So maybe he had a point
But that’s not the point
The point is the time has come for cryptic warfare
Instead of just telling him to his face
That he’s a cunt
I have decided to bury the fucking thread again
After Faith Hill a lady on the site posted
Lara someone or other
Who I was going to say was pish without listening to her
So I watched her
And now I am saying she is pish
And so were the 10,000 muppets singing along to her
So to return to some sanity on the thread
I had to think of the least sane post possible
I initially thought ‘Stevie Wonder – He’s Missta Know It All’
But I thought that might get me a do in
I thought I’d better be a bit more subtle than that
So then I thought
Which musician was the most mental?
It could only be
Phil Collins
No, sorry I was thinking of Bob Hoskins
No, the most mental musician of all time is
Daniel Johnson
He makes Brian Wilson look like Beach Boy
I now had to hope he had a song with an awesome criptic clue
After a 10 second search I found it
It was destiny
It was so meant to be it would be a shame not to follow through with the madness
The songs title was
True Love Will Find You In The End
I thought, that’s the perfect disguise
He will think I love him
But notice he has to wait until the end
Before finding true love
Just before he pops his clogs
Better late then never I suppose
But it gets better
That is the first line of the song
True Love Will Find You In The End
The second line is
You Will Find Out Just Who Is Your Friend
Thus hinting that
“Am I Your Friend?”
Maybe I am, Maybe I’m not
OOOooo Spookey
The next line is
Don’t Be Sad, I Know You Will
So it looks like I am telling him
Ok, I am not your friend
But don’t Be Sad, it’s not all that bad
I’m still your acquaintance
But then, if you remember
It says, in a very NLP like manner
I Know You Will
So really I am telling him to be sad
Cause I am fucking magic
You see the deception that is going on there
That’s how advertisers get to you
They pretend they are brilliant
And then tell you to be sad
Until you buy them
And then you can still be sad
But they have your money
So you can fuck off
Until it is your time to purchase a new computer
Six months later
But hold it, hold it
There is a catch
The next line in the song is
This Is A Promise With a Catch
So he may not even ever get True Love
Unless he follows the catch
Which is that he has to search for true love
Before it will find him
Which you are hardly likely to do
On your fucking death bed
So even in the end, he will not get true love
Even though true love is searching too
But first of all it says that you have to step out into the light
For it to find you
And then it dawned on me
He had already stepped out into the light
Or he had stole mine, whatever
The point is maybe therefore he already had true love
2000 visitors a day
Compared to my three
Would suggest so
So the joke was on me
As I had just hit the send button
When I woke up the next afternoon
In the hour before I had my next joint
Don’t want to rush into these things
I wondered if what I had done was such a good idea
Now that I look like a right prick
So after the joint
I thought I better post another just to make sure
Get my retaliation in first
So to speak
Or maybe I just thought it would be good fun
To wind this prick up
Cause now the boot was on the other foot
That’s what getting high does for you
It helps you to look down on people
And piss yourself laughing
So I thought, not who is the most mental musician but
Who has a song so bad it defies belief
BUT which I do genuinely think is awesome
So if anyone does accuse me of trying to kill the thread
I can proclaim my innocence
With a clear conscience
There could only be one answer to that conundrum
The Shaggs
If in doubt get the Shaggs out
That’s what I never say
But in this case they were perfect
After a couple of particularly bad duds
I found – The Philosophy of The World
Which really does have to be heard to be believed
The lyrics go like
Oh the rich people want what the poor people got
Oh the poor people want what the rich people got
Oh the skinny people want what the fat people got
Oh the fat people want what the skinny people got
You can never please anybody in the world
Again, not as cryptic as I imagined at the time
But the point of this was not so much the lyrics
As the fucking racket
Played by 3 pubescent sisters
Who were similar to the Jacksons
In that their father was a psycho
But with a more altogether unique vision
This was not intended for mass consumption
It was mainly marketed to stoners
Like myself
But not your average stoner
Like an Oasis Fan
Who should be stoned
Obviously anyone who listens to Faith Hill
Should be stoned as well
Then they may have a chance
To wisen up
There have yet to be any more additions
To that particular thread
And I hope there aren’t
Because it would be hard to top The Shaggs

But I am sure I could think of something
Given that I am a bad bastard
On the outside
But on the inside
I a m The Dude
Fighting the Good Fight
Just like Saxondale
Me and Tommy would get on like a house on fire
Cause he’s me in the future
Ignorant but with an attitude
And the only difference between me of now and him
Is that I have still a few more pounds to put on
But I am working on it
At the pub every other night
And my wife is also heading the way of his beached whale
All I need is an illuminous sports car
Which I can’t afford
Cause unlike Tommy
I can’t actually hold down a real job
So I guess that makes two differences then
Still, I would rather be unemployed than fat
Or rather unemployable
On the other hand Stewart Lee is putting on the pounds these days
And I wouldn’t mind being him
Someone so clever
He doesn’t need to be smug
Him and Stephen Fry
But at least I don’t take it up the arse
Mind you it never did Oscar Wilde any harm
So maybe I should just bend over
And let Gordon Brown
Ram it up there
Cause I believe he is quite good
At fucking you
Without you hardly knowing about it
Perhaps he’s got a small penis
Or he uses the media
To hypnotize you
Into submission
After the schools
Weakened you resolve
Logic
And Reason
So that we act like Pavlov Dogs
And roll over
Everytime he rings the news at ten bells
Or as AC/DC like to put it
Hells Bells
Let the torture begin
Just once though
I would like to be the sadist
Get Gordon to bend over
And attach electric cables to his balls
Or at least get a whore to do it
I wouldnae like to get the close
Tae Gordons arsehole
There is enough shite comes out his mouth
Without opening the floodgates
We would be in Fema Camps before you know it
And we would be thankful
Cause all the streets would be full of shit
Or should I say
Even more shit than there is now
And thats hard to imagine
But I am sure Gordon has got a good deal more to come
And I will tell you one thing
He is not going to do it on my fucking face
So instead of fucking him up the arse
Which he would probably enjoy anyway
And good luck to him if he does
It’s not my cup of tea
But then again the Greeks never had a word for homosexual
As they were just sexual in general
All that psychedelic wine they were drinking
Obviously worked
So maybe I have issues
With my lack of willingness
To give fellatio
Although I have tried it on myself a few times
I don’t think that counts
So everyone is programmed one way or another
That is not to say that I agree with the Homosexual Agenda
That gets promoted in the media
It’s more to say that maybe I don’t know the full story
Maybe same sex relationships are the way of the future
For a start it would help to reduce the population numbers
We wouldn’t need to carry on with genocide
I just think it’s better to let people die out
Rather than blow them out of existence
Just because you can
And it makes you a lot of money
But then again, maybe I don’t know the full story
Cause they are all members of secret societies
Of which I am not a member
Unfortunately
Cause I am good at keeping secrets
Especially when it comes to money
Just don’t tell my wife
That our bank account is empty
She thinks that’s her retirement fund
Boy is she in for a shock
I just hope that I die before then
Cause in her hands
I know it would be slow and painful
Worse than watching Scotland play football
Or England play Cricket
Or Welsh Rubgy Players singing
Or Irish Choir Boys getting raped
But not as bad as
Watching Gordon Brown give a speech
Which is pretty horrific
Mind you Obama without his teleprompter
Is an excruciating experience
It’s like the difference between
Fantasy and Reality
At least George Bush didn’t hide the fact he was a puppet
You could see the strings
Obama is worked by remote control
And when the words go on the teleprompter
He doesn’t have the faculties
To replace them
With any of his own
When asked a direction question
Which is why he hardly ever does it
And also why Al Gore doesn’t ‘do’ debates
He knows that from a scientific viewpoint
He is clearly talking shite
Thus almost pre-empting
His certain public humiliation
When his facts are compared to
The Truth
The main one being
That he stands to profit
From the lies he tells
Which some say
Is a conflict of interest
But I disagree
He tells the lies he profits
There is no conflict
But can he sleep at night?
With the profits he makes
He can afford to
So let’s give him a rude awakening
And shove that Oscar up his arse
To try and plug the shite that spurts out it every time he talks

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