Del Boy Dad

A' really need tae learn tae go tae the shop!

Ma Dad is a bit ae a Del Boy
He used tae be a punk
But noo he subverts the system
By sellin’ lots ae junk

He manages tae make a livin’
By hangin’ aroond the dump
His profit margin is so large
He ‘hinks he’s Donald Trump

Mind yoo, a’ am usually the sucker
That buys his second hand wares
A’ hiv bought everythin’ fae him
On the basis ae “He Who Dares…”

It’s time a’ got ma arse in gear
An’ learned tae go tae the shop
Cause everythin’ a buy fae him
Turns oot tae be a flop

Fur instance, a’ wiz aftir a camcorder
Tae take on holiday wi’ ma wife
He said “Don’t fret Nob son
I’ve got here the bargain of your life

Two hundred pound is a steal
For this up to date Panasonic
And if you want to improve yer sex life
This portable screen is just the tonic”

Ma father has a way wi’ wurds
That a’ jist cannae shun
Even though the accessories
Weighed a bloody tonne

So a’ took aw the kit on holiday
It wiz heavier than ma case
Ma wife wiz giein’ me serious grief
Saying a’ wiz a friggin’ disgrace

A’ humped that kit fae piller tae post
It wiznae bringing me much pleasure
A’ wiz supposed tae be on holiday
This wiznae fuckin’ leisure

But a’d taped some awesome scenery
In some fairly decent weathir
Ma wife even admitted the bedroom scenes
Had brought us closer taegethir

When we got back hame
A’ sat doon tae watch it wi’ a beer
But aw that appeared wiz ma Dad
On holiday in Tangier

A’ left it runnin’ fur forty minutes
But the tape wiz aw the same
Ma Dad then says “This things goosed;
I’m going to sell it when I get hame”

The bastard had stitched me up again
This time guid an’ proper
Twa hun’er poond up the swanny
It wiznae worth a copper

A’ wiz on the blower straight awa’
But ma Da doesnae dae guarantees
A’ said “But it wiz broke when a bought it”
He said he “strongly disagrees”

“But a’ve got yoo on tape
Sayin’ you were goin’ tae sell it when ye got hame”
But ma Dad is like a politician
He has nae sense ae guit or shame

He said it doesnae matter whit he’d said
The thing wiz workin’ fine
If he’d managed tae record himsel’
Then surely the problem wiz mine

A’ suppose he had a point
A’ had tae gie him that
Maybe a’ didnae switch it on richt
A’ve got a history ae being a twat

A’ didnae hae the heart
Tae try it oot again
A’ threw the lot in the bin
It had caused me tae much pain

Six months doon the road
Su’hin happened that wiz quite ironic
A’ needed a camcorder fur ma holiday and guess whit?
Yep, ma Da sold me that Panasonic

Del Boy Dad

Billy’s Version

My Dad is a bit of a Del Boy
He used to be a punk
But now he subverts the system
By selling lots of junk

He manages to make a living
By hanging around the dump
His profit margin is so large
He thinks he’s Donald Trump

Mind you, I’m usually the sucker
That buys his second hand wares
I have bought everything from him
On the basis of “He Who Dares…”

It’s time I got my arse in gear
And learned to go to the shop
Cause everything I buy from him
Turns out to be a flop

For instance, I was after a camcorder
To take on holiday with my wife
He said “Don’t worry son
I’ve got here the bargain of your life

Two hundred pound is a steal
For this up to date Panasonic
And if you want to improve your sex life
This portable screen is just the tonic”

My father has a way with words
That I just can’t shun
Even though the accessories
Weighed a bloody tonne

So I took all the kit on holiday
It was heavier than my case
My wife was giving me serious grief
Saying I was a frigging disgrace

I humped that kit from piller to post
It wasn’t bringing me much pleasure
I was supposed to be on holiday
This wasn’t fucking leisure

But I’d taped some awesome scenery
In some fairly decent weather
My wife even admitted the bedroom scenes
Had brought us closer together

When we got back home
I sat down to watch it with a beer
But all that appeared was my Dad
On holiday in Tangier

I left it running for forty minutes
But the tape was all the same
My Dad then says “This things goosed;
I’m going to sell it when I get home”

The bastard had stitched me up again
This time good and proper
Two hundred pound down the swanny
It wasn’t worth a copper

I was on the blower straight away
But my Dad doesn’t do guarantees
I said “But it was broke when a bought it”
He said he “strongly disagrees”

“But I’ve got you on tape
Saying you were going tae sell it when you got home”
But my Dad is like a Politician
He has no sense of guilt or shame

He said it doesn’t matter what he’d said
The thing was working fine
If he’d managed to record himself
Then surely the problem was mine

I suppose he had a point
I had to give him that
Maybe I didn’t switch it on right
I’ve got a history of being a twat

I didn’t have the heart
To try it out again
I threw the lot in the bin
It had caused me too much pain

Six months down the road
Something happened that was quite ironic
I needed a camcorder for my holiday and guess what?
Yep, my Dad sold me that Panasonic

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