Can you spot me?

I used to live near a football ground
That of East Stirlingshire F.C
You had to pay 12 pounds to get in
I think they should have let you in for free

Because they hardly ever won a game
Their style of football was quite bleak
So my life wasn’t too affected
By huge crowds every week

Half of my neighbours
Didn’t know about the ground at all
But then, most of them were Heroin addicts
With no great sense of recall

But I’ll not hear a bad word against them
They helped me out every time my stuff got nicked
So quick did they find exact replacements
I think the Heroin made them psychic

One time living there I had a hangover
That was so bad you wouldn’t believe
You could have set fire to my bed
And I still wouldn’t have been able to leave

So I didn’t make it into work that day
I guess that comes as no surprise
It also put paid to my chances
Of getting my good attendance rise

Eventually I managed to stop being sick
I had given myself a scare
The house was rancid with puke and farts
I badly needed some fresh air

As I was officially on the sick from work
I had to be very careful where to go
So I went to watch East Stirlingshire
It seemed the safest place to lie low

When I entered the ground
I couldn’t believe my eyes
I’m sure from Mars or even Pluto
You could have heard my cries

“What the hell are television cameras doing here?”
I screamed and bared my teeth
“It’s not like they’re playing Real Madrid
They are playing fucking Cowdenbeath

The only people remotely interested
Are already here
God, why do you keep fucking with me?
It’s enough to drive a man to beer”

As the crowd was obviously sparse
I tried to hide behind a regular Shire fan
I explained to him the situation
But he told me to “Be a fuckin’ man”

So I decided to brave it out
Although I must have been mad
Because the quality of the football
Made castration seem not that bad

Maybe that’s why that street
Had so many heavy drug users
They went to watch the Shire
And turned into serial self abusers

I don’t know who are the biggest losers
The addicts or the team
For neither of them will ever succeed
In their fantasy pipe dream

Song to Match Poem

Lou Reed – Heroin

My favourite version of Heroin which is on a Box Set I purchased called Between Thought and Expression. Great Trumpet Solo.

On my Twitter description I said that if anyone would like to be interviewed by myself to get in contact with me and if I felt it was something I am interested in then I would be happy to do it.

The first person who contacted me was an old friend Kam Birdee who was launching her website at the time.

Steve is one of her friends and after seeing Kam’s interview, he decided to come forward also. I am pleased he did because I am very interested in what he is doing.

He used to suffer from Societal Anxiety Disorder. This meant that whenever he was around people an overwhelming fear would come over him and he would either not be able to talk or even worse he would have to run out the room.

I believe there are different levels of intensity depending on exactly what the situation is but you can be sure that even the thought of any form of public speaking would be enough to make sufferers break out into a cold sweat at the very least.

It took Steve a number of years before he could more or less overcome this illness but he has now got to grips with it fairly well. So much so that he now runs the Leading Light website which offers people information about it as well as organising weekly support groups where people get together and help each other.

It can be very difficult for people to deal with mental health problems and part of the difficulty is that unlike a broken leg or whatever, it doesn’t look like the person is ill and so most don’t understand what they are going through. That is why these groups are so beneficial so people can share their experiences in a supportive environment and they are not just given drugs to mask the problem.

Check out my interview with Steve below, where he discusses how the problem affected him growing up and the steps that led him to forming the website.

Here is Steve being interviewed by Ruby Wax about his work.

Ruby suffered from depression for many years and now, like Steve, takes an active role in helping others. Steve was delighted that after the interview with her, she agreed to come to an event that he organised and through the success of that he gained much confidence to continue organising more support group meeting and social events as well as develop the website and his own personal blog.

It is important to keep a sense of humour regardless of what ailments we may be suffering from and here is a nice photo of Steve showing his fun side.

After our interview Steve asked me if I would like to help running a workshop of some kind which would involve using comedy and humour to which I happily agreed. I’ve no idea if anything will come of it but he has set up a Skype meeting to discuss it with Kam and Joe Hoare (who I interviewed today) also included in the meeting. I’ll keep you informed if anything transpires.

In the meantime, if you feel like you may suffer from Societal Anxiety issues feel free to contact Steve as he is very happy to hear from anyone who may need his support.

Keep up the good work, Buddy!

I’m not a very good shopper
All it does is make me moan
Sometimes my wife drags me along
But we always end up on our own

This time was no different
I’m afraid I’ve not got much patience
Let’s just say it will be a while
Before we again have sexual relations

We agreed to meet back at the car
As she pissed off and left me
She reminded me of Yoko Ono
A high pitched wailing banshee

But there’s nothing I want to buy
And it’s not because I’m tight
I used to buy a lot of records
But now the music in the charts is shite

Although I did end up in a music store
Just to get inside from the cold
I was like “What’s this Rap music all about?”
Some kid shouts ‘You’re just getting old’

I said “Look you little runt
I’m not as old as you thinks
I know good music when I hear it
And believe me, this music stinks”

“Well, where did you get your togs?”
“My Dad passed them down to me”
“Was your Dad a friggin’ poof?”
“Look, you’d better start to flee”

The Security geezer then arrives
He did look very strong
He had the cheek to ask me to leave
I said “What the hell have I done wrong?”

“You were threatening the kid with violence”
“He needs to be taught wrong from right”
“How would you like it if I threatened you?”
“Oh, Aye? I’ll show you how to fight”

“Oh, you think so?” he said,
As he grabbed me by my collar
He then knee’d me in my balls
And I began to holler

Then the great big lug
Threw me out onto the street
I said “Think yourself lucky pal,
I’ve been on that Atkins diet for a week”

That’s the last time I’ll go shopping
My suit was nearly binned
I lost my wallet in the scrum
And both my knees were skinned

What is it with kids of today?
They’re fucked up on drugs, that’s what it is
It was different when I was a lad
We could handle our acid, E’s and whizz

I think the parents are to blame
For not bringing them up properly
They should be polite and civilized
Even if they’re off their trolley

Cause if there’s one thing I’ve learned
You don’t need drugs to enjoy yourself
For instance, see after I found and booted that kids arse
I was in an optimum state of mental health

Song to Match Poem

The Jam – Shopping

See at my Sister’s wedding
In Kenya, of all places
I brought shame upon my family
You should have seen their faces

On the big day morning
I rose hellish early
Especially considering the state I was in
Around about Four Thirty

I needed some hair of the dog
So I bolted to the bar
Without a couple of shots
I knew I wouldn’t get far

It didn’t take me long
Before I was back in the mood
So I scored some dope from a local beach boy
In exchange for some dodgy food

When in Rome do as the Romans
So I made sure that joint was packed
I wish I hadn’t bothered
That stuff was stronger than crack

Just then, my sister appeared
Looking pretty damn fine
I thought, “Fuck me, I’d shag that!”
Well, I wiz fairly well fucked up by that time

My Mother took one look at me
And wanted to feed me to a Lion
“What the hell have you been up to?”
“Ma, if I told you, you’d probably start cryin’”

I cannae remember the vows
I was trying to hold my sick in
I then launched a pavement pizza
Before finding a vase tae use for a spew bin

But that wasn’t the worst of my antics
Oh no, that was still to come
I’ll never forget the look on their faces
Especially that of my mum

We were all dancing in a circle
I was getting down to the Africans drummers beat
Next thing you know, my balls were hanging out of my Kilt
They were dangling around my feet

I was blissfully unaware of this
But on the video, you can see Ma’s rage
I didnae ken what she meant
When she told me, to put my mouse back into its cage

Before ye knew it, some locals had gathered
Their jaws all joined my balls on the flaer
For in their whole lives, living in Africa
None had ever seen… ginger pubic hair

Song to Match Poem

Drunk Scotsman

I’ve been reading alternative books
For I need something real to believe in
It seems we’ve been traveling outwards
And now we are going back in

I’ve been shown alternative reason
Now I use hidden parts of my brain
In the past I was questioning nothing
I had the arrogance to think I was sane

I’m an Ordinary Punter with his mind turned on
I am tuned to a high frequency
I’m an Ordinary Punter picking up the signals
I communicate directly with me

I’ve been living an alternative lifestyle
For I want to explore every option
I was conditioned to behave like a robot
Now I follow my own intuition

I’ve been talking an alternative language
To discover why people create
And as I feel my vocabulary growing
I am losing the deep urge to hate

I’m an Ordinary Punter with his mind turned on
I am tuned to a high frequency
I’m an Ordinary Punter picking up the signals
I communicate directly with me

Song to match poem

Van Morrison – Ordinary People

As soon as I could walk
I was kicking a ba’
I practiced every day
As if it were the law

I got signed up to play
For a team that was good
But I didn’t do as well
As I probably should

Cause the manager thought
He was Jock Stein
Except he had the management skills
Of a Mr Bean

If, by half time
We werenae winning five – nil
He’d start his team talk
With a loud girlie shrill

Then he’d start going mental
Throwing Ribena everywhere
We had to play the second half
With purple stains in our hair

I was one of those players
Who needed to hear
Words of encouragement
In my young ear

The last thing I needed
Was a psychopath
Threatening to drown me
In the dressing room bath

One time he screamed
“Oi Bawbag, have you no sense?
What the hell are you doing
Dribbiling the ball out of defence?

Why don’t you give it some wellie?
Or are you trying to make me glower?
Do you know you’re Billy Watson?
Not Franz Beckenbauer”

I was like “Leave me alone,
Don’t you know I’m only nine?
Do you think that I come here
Just to listen to you whine?

I know why you’re angry
It’s cause you’ve never had a bird”
I’ve always had to have
The last killer word

“Right that’s it young man
You’re out the team”
Were the last words
I heard him scream

Because I kicked a ball
I smashed it off his face
He might have been the boss
But my boots he couldn’t lace

I then joined another team
That was honestly pretty naff
But the main thing was
We had a damn good laugh

As fate would have it
We played my old team in the cup
We got beat two – one
But I played well and held my head up

My old boss came up to me
At the games end
To shake my hand
Like some long lost friend

He said his life had changed
And he had me to thank
He was now living with
Some bird called Frank

Song to Match Poem

Pudsey’s Beautiful Dreamers – We Have A Dream

Zombies awaken from the state you live in
Shut down third eyes don’t know where to begin
Wouldn’t you like to win back your soul?
Why don’t you make that an achievable goal?

Our animal instincts
Knew how to survive
But now in the future
They will help us to thrive

Creatures frozen by the yarns that you spin
Are you still doing time for the original sin?
What did you learn from your lives in the past?
Why don’t you admit that this life you did cast?

Our animal instincts
Knew how to survive
But now in the future
They will help us to thrive

Golden fish stolen from the tank that you swim
Breathe slowly and calmly you will not cave in
Where do your feelings urge you to go?
Why don’t you start there then go with the flow?

Song to Match Poem

Peter Gabriel – Animal Nation

Wavy scenes of infested brain waves
Distant spaces warped internal caves
The search was on for unpolluted horizons
While the innocent herd succumbed in their millions

Snarling pictures of inhabited raw flesh
Closest children created external mess
Deathly forces played interesting games
While obedient crack troops ignited poisonous flames

Mostly down but sometimes up
The winner there, won a cup
But here in heaven I cannot find
A single being inside a bug filled mind

Perception was altered by an incurable thought
Intuition worked backwards until the year dot
The hierarchy disappeared like an imploding star
Now our only death weapon is a regression radar

Deception was outlawed by cause and effect
Inhibition went down until we all stood erect
The ancestors appeared with a new series of friends
Now our only real problem is never reaching the end

Mostly down but sometimes up
The winner there, won a cup
But here in heaven I cannot find
A single being inside a bug filled mind

The last gasp search for an alternative healing
Found the root of our symptoms in the pain we were feeling
We could no longer inhabit a polluted etheric
So we switched to a bank of debt free numeric

The last minute details were never meant to be final
Our reflected imbalance promoted black and white rivals
No personal power ensured organized chaos
Until we woke up and sacked our make-believe boss

Song to Match Poem

Uncle Tupelo – No Depression

My Dad is a bit of a Del Boy
He used to be a punk
But now he subverts the system
By selling lots of junk

He manages to make a living
By hanging around the dump
His profit margin is so large
He thinks he’s Donald Trump

Mind you, I’m usually the sucker
That buys his second hand wares
I have bought everything from him
On the basis of “He Who Dares…”

It’s time I got my arse in gear
And learned to go to the shop
Cause everything I buy from him
Turns out to be a flop

For instance, I was after a camcorder
To take on holiday with my wife
He said “Dinnae worry son
I’ve got here the bargain of your life

Two hundred pound is a steal
For this up to date Panasonic
And if you want to improve your sex life
This portable screen is just the tonic”

My father has a way with words
That I just cannae shun
Even though the accessories
Weighed a bloody tonne

So I took all the gear on holiday
It was heavier than my case
My wife was giving me serious grief
Saying I was a frigging disgrace

I humped that kit from pillar to post
It wasn’t bringing me much pleasure
I was supposed to be on holiday
This wasn’t fucking leisure

But I’d taped some awesome scenery
In some fairly decent weather
My wife even admitted the bedroom scenes
Had brought us closer together

When we got back home
I sat down to watch it with a beer
But all that appeared was my Dad
On holiday in Tangier

I left it running for forty minutes
But the tape was all the same
My Dad then says “This things goosed;
I’m going to sell it when I get hame”

The bastard had stitched me up again
This time good and proper
Two hundred pound down the swanny
It wasnae worth a copper

I was on the blower straight away
But my Dad doesn’t do guarantees
I said “But it was broke when a bought it”
He said he strongly disagrees

“But I’ve got you on tape
Saying you were going tae sell it when you got hame”
But my Dad is like a politician
He has no sense of guilt or shame

He said it doesn’t matter what he’d said
The thing was working fine
If he’d managed to record himself
Then surely the problem was mine

I suppose he had a point
I had to give him that
Maybe I didn’t switch it on right
I’ve got a history of being a twat

I didn’t have the heart
To try it out again
I threw the lot in the bin
It had caused me too much pain

About six months down the road
Something happened that was quite ironic
I needed a camcorder for my holiday and guess what?
Yep, that’s right, my Dad sold me a Panasonic

Song to Match Poem

Only Fools and Horses Theme Tune

How does it feel when you cross the line?
Are you happy to leave this moment in time?
Do you know how we feel to be left behind?

We are thinking of you
Our little boy blue
We are crying for you
Our little boy blue

Love hasn’t left since the day you arrived
Your body is still but your soul never lies
We will see you again without using our eyes

We are dreaming with you
Our little boy blue
We are as joyful as you
Our little boy blue

What can you see from the land of the free?
Have you found a true state of liberty?
Could you help us to find our sanctuary?

We are praying in you
Our little boy blue
We are fighting like you
Our little boy blue

We have a duty to learn from sorrow in grieving
It is nobody’s fault we didn’t know you were leaving
We shall try to perfect the web we are weaving

Song to Match Poem

The Choirboys – Tears In Heaven