Footlights Bar Gig 8/12/13

Nob Stewart

Footlights Nob 1

So as a’ explained in ma previous blog, a’ wiz due tae dae a gig at Footlights Bar the week afore but nae cunt turned up. They obviously heard a’ wiz on. Hooever, this week we kept it shtum an’ an we got an audience ae about 12 fur the start ae the nicht, rising tae aboot 20 by the end ae it. Which isnae tae bad so close tae Christmas an’ aw that.

The previous week a’ hadnae taken any drugs but this time a’ felt the need tae get totally smashed afore goin’ onstage so a’ did jist that. Sometimes a’ ‘hink it gies me superpowers but in reality it probably jist means a’ am firin’ at half throttle at best. Still, a’ aye’ways follow ma instincts an’ then usually regret doin’ so.

This time though, a’ ‘hink a may aye jist aboot managed tae kid the folks on enough that a’ am worth the watchin’ an’ not a single bottle wiz thrown, which wiz a novelty.

A’ wiz due tae be third on but yin act never turned up so Rory McAlpine, whae ran an’ compered the gig, threw the ball intae mine an’ Thomas Black’s court tae decide which ae uz would be first and whae would be on second.

A’ sensed he wanted tae go on second, so a volunteered tae go on first. If truth be told a’ jist wanted tae get ma spot ower an’ done wi’ so a’ could start tankin’ the Guinness.

A’ then asked Thomas if he would video ma performance tae which he happily obliged. Normally a’ dinnae like tae fuck aboot wi’ shit like that afore goin’ on stage but he didnae seem tae mind at aw, so that wiz cool.

Rory had already started introducin’ the nicht but Thomas caught aboot 4 minutes ae him daein’ his compere bit afore he introduced ma guid sel’.

It wiz then time fur me tae hit the stage, in whit wiz ma first actual comedy gig as opposed tae open mic gigs, since 2011 when a’ pit on ma yin man show at the Festival. Maybe that is why a’ decided tae get smashed as a’ wiz a bit nervous but that’s only natural considerin’ whit happened that last time but we’ll no’ go intae that here.

A’ performed a few poems that a’ hiv been dain’ at the open mics recently an’ blethered pish in between them as ye kin see in the video below.

So, although a’ ken that poetry isnae ideal at a comedy nicht as it is pretty hard tae get the laughs in, a’ ‘hink a’ jist aboot managed tae blag ma way through the gig an’ convince the punters that they at least wernae totally wastin’ their time. A’ say a’ ‘hink, cause as a’ say a’ wiz pretty mashed an’ a’ dinnae like watchin’ masel back on video, so ultimately a’ll leave it tae yoo tae be the judge ae that.

Although granted, a’ may hiv went a’ bit tae far wi’ ma child porn line but a’ gave the lady whae wiz particularly displeased wi’ that line a kiss afore a’ left the stage, so hopefully a’ made enough amends.

Aftir a’ wiz on a’ took a seat in the audience tae watch the rest ae the gig but durin’ the break a’ spilt a’ pint ae Guinness aw ower ma clothes but fortunately the bar had a spare change ae clothes behind the bar.

Jist after gettin’ changed a’ got chattin’ tae the husband ae the women a’ offended. He telt uz that they were aw up fae Gloucester tae support their local Rugby team playin’ against Edinburgh in the Heineken Cup. Aboot 5,000 punters inside Murrayfield Stadium though doesnae soond like a great atmosphere but they were happy their team won.

Footlights Nob 2

He wiznae tae happy later in the nicht though when a’ sat beside her and chatted her up durin’ the second break. By that time, she wiz lovin’ ma patter an’ the child porn line wiz aw but forgotten.

The other acts on that nicht were really guid but a’ wiz tae stoned tae remember their names. Jane Walker wiz yin, she wiz cool, a’ liked her and a guy fae Newcastle called Adam headlined the gig an’ he done a top job an’ aw.

It wiz quite touchin’ at the end ae the show when Rory dedicated it tae a comedian called Mark Rough whae had passed awa’ wi’ cancer the week afore. A’ didnae ken him personally but he did send me an email yin time tae warn me aboot su’hin, which a’ then promptly ignored probably tae ma detriment. Still, it wiz a nice touch fae Rory tae pit a shout oot fur him.

Aftir the show a geezer called Steve approached me tae tell me that the bird he wiz wi’ liked me an’ he wiznae talkin’ aboot ma act. A’ did complement her Jumper at the start ae the gig so maybe that’s whit got me onside wi’ her, so a’ immediately went across tea introduce masel.

Footlights Nob 3

A’ wiz gettin’ on pretty well wi’ her but then the band kicked intae gear an’ a’ couldnae make oot a word she wiz sayin’, so instead a’ got her up tae dance. She couldnae dance fur toffee, so a’ used that as an excuse tae hauld her ticht an’ dae a bit ae waltzin’ wi’ her tae ‘Ring Ae Fire’, which wiz cool. Here’s a brief clip ae the band.

Unfortunately though a’ had tae make a dash fur ma last train hame an’ couldnae take it any further. A’ hiv since got in contact wi’ her but she doesnae want any’hin mare tae dae wi’ me. Obviously she must ae been quite pissed that nicht.

Jist afore leavin’ a’ had a guid chat wi’ Rory’s Ma, Marjory. She telt me hoo much ae a guid son Rory is an’ a’ telt her she wiz a guid maw. It wiz aw very nice. Ma mother hiz only every been tae yin ae ma comedy gigs an’ a’ kin assure ye she’ll no’ be back tae any mare in the future, ever, aftir that yin.

Rory said he would get me back in the future but a’ll nae hauld ma breath fur that as a’ hiv heard that plenty times afore tae nae avail. Still, we’ll see whit transpires in the New Year.

The Photaes

Cheers the noo!


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