I’m A Faither!

father nob

Ma wife telt me she was pregnant
An’ that a’ wiz the Faither
A’ said “Whit?”
An’ fainted

Aboot 3 days later
Aftir a’ had somewhit recovered fae the shock
A’ said “Hoo, the hell did that happen,
A’ aye’ways wear a sock”

She said “Remember Xmas Eve
When you had too much to drink
You said “Ok, let’s make that fuckin’ baby
Afore a’ stop tae think”

Well, it looks like God was listening
And he granted you your wish
Now you had better get a job
And stop drinking like a fish”

“G,g,g,get a job?
That’s scarier than a baby
A’d rather cut ma knob aff
Than tae gie up social security”

“Don’t you want the best for you child?”
“No’ if it involves me goin’ tae work”
She gave me a look that said it aw
The next day a’ wiz workin’ as a clerk

A’ only lasted yin week though
Noo a’ am back on the dole
A’ dinnae care hoo much they pay me
A’ refuse tae sell ma soul

Ma wife is threatenin’ tae leave me
An’ take oor new born child
Money doesnae buy ye happiness
But it stops yer wife goin’ wild

A’ noo need tae find some ways
Tae make an easy buck
An’ aw because ae Xmas Eve
An’ a drunken horny fuck

father

Billy’s Version

My wife told me she was pregnant
And that I was the Father
I said “What?”
And fainted

About 3 days later
After I had somewhat recovered from the shock
I said “How, the hell did that happen,
I always wear a sock”

She said “Remember Xmas Eve
When you had too much to drink
You said “Ok, let’s make that fuckin’ baby
Before I stop tae think”

Well, it looks like God was listening
And he granted you your wish
Now you had better get a job
And stop drinking like a fish”

“G,g,g,get a job?
That’s scarier than a baby
I’d rather cut ma knob off
Than to give up social security”

“Don’t you want the best for you child?”
“Not if it involves me going to work”
She gave me a look that said it all
The next day I was working as a clerk

I only lasted one week though
Now I’m back on the dole
I don’t care how much they pay me
I refuse to sell my soul

My wife is threatening to leave me
And take our new born child
Money doesn’t buy you happiness
But it stops your wife going wild

I now need to find some ways
To make an easy buck
And all because of Xmas Eve
And a drunken horny fuck

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