John Fleming Blog about My Rant
The respected comedy writer John Fleming came to see a show I performed at The Newsroom during the Edinburgh Festival 2012. Over one year later, when stuck for a topic for his daily blog he dug out a rough transcript he had from the last 15 minutes of that gig.
His blog that day was basically the written up version of that transcript. He wasn’t sure if I wanted my name attached to it, so he left it off as well as any reference that he thought people could identify me by. He was even half hoping that I wouldn’t recognise it, but the bit about paying $6,000 for a website did kind of give it away somewhat.
I found that out when I contacted him after editing the video above from the archive I had of the show on my hard drive. He asked if he could use it in a reworked version of his blog and I said ‘Sure’ and also clarified some of the text which he had misquoted me on. That was a couple of months ago and he has yet to amend the blog, so I am posting it here just for the hell of it. lol
As you may know, I used to live in Antalya in Turkey and I returned to Scotland every August for The Edinburgh Festival every year since I went there in 2006.
I have put on 3 one man shows at the Fringe during that time, in 2009, 20011 and 2012 to be precise. Needless to say it is very difficult for any performer to not perform for 11 months and then go and do an hour a day show every day for 3 weeks at the worlds biggest Arts Festival.
In 2012, I was dating an American Opera singer who told me that instead of rehashing my old material, I should put all the crazy tales I was telling her about my life and especially those concerning my wife, into a show.
I wasn’t sure how I could make mental health issues, cancer and a broken back funny but I did have a lot of other crazy stories that I thought I could squeeze in there to hopefully give people a laugh as they sat through my life tragedies. lol.
I spent a few months going over the script but I never had the chance to do any previews of the show, so the first time I told the story was at my first gig of the festival which wasn’t exactly ideal preparation, but still, the gigs were going reasonably ok considering the lack of previews.
A few days previous to him coming to see my show I was with Lewis Schaffer who I shared an apartment with during the Festival in 2009 and Spring Day when we bumped into John and so he joined us for dinner.
I gave him details of my show but like most of the other people in the comedy business I have told about my gigs, I didn’t expect him to turn up but a few days later…he did!
I was two minutes into the gig that day when he appeared and took a seat at the back of the room. I thought, ‘oh oh, pressure’ but I continued to try and look cool.
The gig was going reasonably ok at the start and I felt like I had made a good connection with the audience and was starting to get into the story when a group of about 5 middle aged women came in.
Without having been there at the start when I was bonding, I guess it was a bit too much for them when I went into a piece of material that was quite sexually graphic. John mentioned afterwards that that was a mistake and I realised that myself at the time, but by that time it was too late.
They couldn’t handle my graphic honesty and after a while they got up and left which is quite embarrassing when there are only about 8 other people in the room. This created a bit of tension in the room and I had more or less lost the audience at this point and it led to others feeling the same way and slowly but surely others started to drift off.
As you can see in the video it got to the point where, after trying to hard to appease the audience, I threw my book down and broke away completely from any script to go on a mad rant.
I felt as though I came alive at that point because sometimes I feel very constrained when trying to follow a set script, especially if it’s not going well. lol.
As I talk about on my Conspiracy Theorist blog I started performing comedy after watching Bill Hicks and there is a part of me that likes to rant like he has been known to and that side of me does come out sometimes when the chips are down….this being one such occasion. 🙂
So anyway, here is the corrected transcript that John put on his blog which may help you decipher what I am saying in the rant as the sound quality isn’t great. I felt the text by itself made me out to be a total arsehole but with the video, not so much. 😉
I hope you enjoy it.
Video and Transcript of the Rant
Sometimes I go down really well. Other times it’s like drawing teeth. I’m so shit I’ve got so many friends on Facebook – so many so-called fucking friends – I spent £6,000 to get someone to build a fucking website for me. He done a Twitter page for me then, after one year, I had to sue him to get £2,000 back. Then I gave that £2,000 to someone else and he built another website for me and I spent a month working on a free e-book – three fucking people signed up for that and I knew one of them personally. The other two were at the other side of the Atlantic. That shows you how much people… I should just give up, shouldn’t I?
I should get a real job. That’s what I should do. Get a real job. But I hate having a boss. Bosses are cunts. Money is an illusion created by the bankers. People get work just to chase money just to get drunk at the weekend.
I’m only toying with you because, when you’re dying on stage, there’s only one place left to go – and that’s poetry. So are you ready for some shit poetry?
(HE THEN STARTS TO READ VERSES FROM A POEM)
That normally gets a laugh, so you cunts have got no sense of humour. I’ll continue anyway, because I love you from the bottom of my heart.
(HE THEN READS MORE OF THE POEM)
So far so good? Another four verses?
(THREE MEMBERS OF THE SPARSE AUDIENCE GET UP AND LEAVE)
Right, so only five people left.
(HE CONTINUES THE POEM TO THE END; ONE PERSON CLAPS)
At least he made the effort.
I really like this, I think this should be my new routine. Actually it is my new routine. Clear the room from annoying bawbags, from annoying cunts. Get to fuck. I hate people, you know that? I fucking hate people. You’re all a bunch of cunts. You all think you’re something special in this world. You go to your jobs and nobody talks about anything real any more. Nobody talks about love. Nobody talks about doing anything worthwhile. They’re all too busy watching Big Brother.
‘Oh the Olympics, the Olympics! He jumped high’.
Wow! Whoopee Fuckin’ Do!
(HE STARTS SHOUTING AT THE FIVE REMAINING MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE)
Does it actually means anything? It means fuck all. You know what means something? Getting together and forming communities. Stepping away from the elite power fucking structure that’s in control of our lives every day and fucking getting together and shagging each other. Experiencing ecstasy together. Using our bodies.
There are Bonobos who are like Chimpanzees. We share the same percentage of DNA from chimpanzees and bonobos. They hae a matriarchal society that is female dominated and the women greet each other by rubbing their genitals together like that. They have sex to establish social bonds in the group and that’s what stops arguments. That’s what stops men from dictating. Having their balls emptied. Oh, thank god for that! I don’t need to dominate and be an alpha male!
We’re like that. We’re fucking human beings. We’ve got a soul, we’ve got a spirit and we should start fucking using it, in my opinion, because we don’t fucking do it.
(HE STARTS TO SHOUT)
What do we do? Comedy? We sit and we pretend to laugh at his shit! Fair enough it’s shit but sit through the cunt! I’ve sat though hundreds of shit, but nobody sits through my shit! You guys are good, I like you. So why am I ranting at you? I should go upstairs and rant at those cunts.
(THERE IS A LONG PAUSE)
I feel better for that.
Nobody… There’s no love in this world, you know? There’s not enough feeling, is there? It’s just, the fringe is on, there is all these cunts with fucking flyers, five stars, come and see my, I’ve got meaningless drivel for you to listen to. Come and listen to my meaningless drivel like what I’ve been doing for the past 45 minutes. Pretending it’s an act. I don’t want an act. I want to share myself with you. I want to give you everything I’ve got so that we can evolve out of this fucking hell that we’re all living in – this fucking dimension.
We should respect Mother Earth.
That’s why I liked my job. They offered me £30,000 to leave. I said: You’re offering me £30,000 to leave? You should be offering me that to fucking stay in this shit hole. So I bit their hand off. My friend asked me What are you’re going to do? Haven’t you got any ambitions? – Yes. I have. The main one is to get the fuck out of this place, cos you’re raping fucking Mother Earth and you’re taking £2,000 a month to do it. You all think you’re somebody fucking special. You’re all a bunch of moaning-faced bastards that the universe has thrown together to let you see a mirror image of exactly who you are so you can evolve out of it and get the fuck out of there.
But, no, they just continue on their day to day jobs as they are unthinking unquestioning robots.
I don’t like punchlines any more.
I like ranting.
I’ve discovered a new form of comedy.
It’s just ranting at (HE STARTS SCREAMING)BAWBAGS!
Bawbags, cunts and wankers!… That’s what you all are! There’s nobody does anything worthwhile!
I have comedian friends. I make videos for them, take pictures, promote their stuff on facebook. Hardly any of them have the good grace to even say ‘Thank you’, cause they are all so self serving. They are so into their own ego that they don’t give a fuck what anybody does for them. They don’t reciprocate.
I’m making videos of a show and this guy has got has got six acts on every night. OK, I’m shit but they won’t could at least give me five minutes on it. No. She’s got her people; he’s got his reputation to think about but as long as I’m doing something for them they will fucking use you. Cos that’s what everyone does in this world, isn’t it? They use you. Everyone uses each other. They don’t actually love each other because they don’t love themselves. That’s what it comes down to. Nobody loves themselves any more.
You can only love from what you’ve got inside and we’re all fucking brainwashed from the day we were born to fucking fit into the system, fit into that small square and be a fucking good servant to the power elite that’s been pissing all over us from a great height.
I mean, THEY’RE fucking psychotic criminals and we let THEM dictate to US so how fucked-up are WE? You know what I’m saying? These guys are not super special and great. WE are fucking human beings and we’ve got a heart and a soul and it’s brainwashed out of us by the time we’re six years old by watching television.
You know that box we’ve got? A hypnotic box in our living rooms every day?
We don’t take care of our children and educate them on the law and things that actually matter. We just sit them at the box and give them Big Brother Elite to let them tell them what to think and what to buy and what to do all their lives and get up and get a job in their factories. Then eventually they retire and go on holiday somewhere in some caravan park for 20 years and die with their whole life never having one single original thought.
(THERE IS A LONG SILENCE)
That’s my new routine. I hope you like that.
(THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Stuff like that. That’s what I’m going to talk about from now on.
(TWO PEOPLE GET UP TO LEAVE)
No, there are jokes coming. There are. Thanks for coming. Take care. Nice to meet you. Goodbye.
(ONE OF THE REMAINING THREE AUDIENCE MEMBERS ASKS: “Apart from that, how’s your day been?”)