Kaleiçi Nicht Oot

A’ wiz walkin’ aroond Kaleiçi yin day an’ a passed by The Goblin Bar. A’ decided tae stop an’ chat tae the manager aboot the possibility ae dain’ a gig their yin nicht. We wernae communicatin’ aw that well as ma Turkish is shit an’ as we tried this geezer kept on shovin’ an iphone in ma face an’ telt me tae speak intae it.

A’ telt him tae get tae France as a’ hate technology at the best ae times, far less when a’ am tryin’ tae talk pigeon Turkish. A’ got the managers email and telt him that ma Turkish burd would send him an message aboot whit a’ wanted tae dae in his boozer.

It turned oot that the reason this other dude wiz wantin’ me tae chat intae his phone wiz because there wiz some kind ae translator built intae it. Aftir lookin’ at it, a’ wiz quite impressed but still couldnae be arsed usin’ it.

Then this dude started daein’ the New Zealand Rugby players Hakka dance richt in ma face! A’ started daein’ it back tae him which a’ ‘hink impressed him greatly as he pit his arm aroond me an’ dragged me up the street an’ offered me some çay.

It turned oot that he had a small cafe an as a’ sat ootside beside another bloke a’ got the usual grillin’ as tae where a’ wiz fae an’ whit a’ wiz dain’ in Turkey. Fortunately a’ didnae gie tae much awa’ as it turned oot that the other geezer wiz a Polisman.

Anyway, he took me inside his cafe an’ said a’ could dae a comedy gig there. A’ thought it looked pretty guid so a’ agreed tae come back on Saturday an’ see if a’ could grab any passers-by an’ invite them in fur a gig.

A’ got there aboot 4 o’clock but aftir hangin’ aroond fur a few hoors a’ decided tae jist leave it as only aboot 2 English speakin’ tourists walked by in aw that time and they were headin’ aff tae Manavgat.

A’ did make a video in the hope that the venue would become regular but ye ken whit they say aboot best laid plans an’ aw that. Still, at least a’ met a couple ae tasty burds.

Still, maybe sometime in the future a’ will use the guys place fur anothir gig. A’ should really make the effort an’ advertise it properly though, that would ae helped.


So a’ packed ma bag an’ headed aff doon tae King Bar. On ma way their a’ met Jasmine and Ertuğrul whae were sat with their new bairn at the bar at the tap ae the auld steps that lead doon tae the Harbour.

Aftir a quick chat a’ went tae King Bar an’ chatted wi’ the owner Levent an’ some ae his mates aboot the possibility ae daein’ Boat Tours fur tourists. A’ then decided tae leave ma bag in a safe place there an’ go fur anothir walkaboot.

When a’ got back up the steps, Ertügrul wiz still there wi’ some ae his friends. He introduced me tae Benjamin fae Germany whae quickly got intae the ‘tongues oot’ patter.


A’ ended up walkin’ past Hidirlik Pansiyon where a’ hiv stayed a couple ae times. The guy whae sells the tea an’ spices there offered uz a free yin, so a’ wiz happy tae take him up on his offer an’ so a’ sat doon an’ watched aboot 20 minutes ae the Galatasary game as they had a TV on the street.


As a’ wiz walkin’ back toward King Bar a’ spotted Mehmet and Ümit whae are ma pals whae used tae wurk in Adi Bar.


Fatma wiz sittin’ at their table and a’ could tell she wiz a cool burd richt awa’. That wiz confirmed when Ümit telt me that a few years ago she used tae be totally crazy. Even mare crazy than me apparently!


This wiz anothir auld Adi Bar customer an’ he had brought a’ litre bottle ae home made Vodka fae a mate whae’s mother made it in the Ukraine, hence his smile.


He wiz dishin’ oot the shorts rapid style an’ a’ had quite a few in the hoor or so a’ sat there, an’ aye, it wiz fairly potent shit.


We then headed aff tae Roadhouse where a’ bumped intae the Antalya Vip Events crew whae had their first Funk Boat Tour event that day. Apparently it went well but didnae finish tae guid for ma pal Petra whae fell when disembarkin’ the boat an’ need tae go tae hospital an’ got 10 metal pins in her ankle. Ouch!


The young lady is this photae then said Hello tae me an’ telt me that we had exchanged messages via facebook. She is a singer and Piano player and she said a’ had given her some advice aboot where she could play when she first came tae Antalya a couple ae years back. A’ telt her an’ her pals that a’ kin arrange othir events for her and that they should keep in touch.


When a’ got back tae King Bar ma bud Anıl wiz there wi’ a few others whae had been on the Boat Trip as well. It was he whae telt me aboot Petra. Here a’ am wi’ his burd Sezin and Ceyhan whae also wurks for Vip Events.


A’ wiz sat beside this couple an’ they offered me some ae their Raki which went doon well. We had a guid chat aboot the nature ae life an’ then the lass telt me she wanted English lessons fae me. Obviously when she sobered up the next day she probably thought that wiznae such a guid idea as they hivnae been in touch since. Wi’ ma level ae English speakin’, it figures.


Aftir they left a’ went an’ grabbed ma bag an’ began walkin’ fur the bus, takin’ a few snaps ae whitever caught ma eye on the way.


As a’ wiz walkin’ fur the bus some guy started kerb crawlin’ beside me an’ telt me tae get in his car! A’ asked him where he wiz goin’ an’ he said he wiz jist drivin’ aboot.

A’ thought it a bit dodgy so a’ began walkin’ again. Aftir aboot 200 metres he appeared again. He wiz very persistent. A’ telt him a’ wiz goin’ tae Konyaaltı an’ he telt me tae jump in, so a’ got in the back wi’ ma bag as a’ kent a’ would hae tae wait at least an’ hoor fur a bus, but a’ made sure a’ could open the door an’ bolt if a’ needed tae.

On the way their at yin point he offered me his hand tae shake an’ when a’ did he kissed it. A’ thought this wiz a bit nuts an’ then at a roondaboot he went tae turn left instead ae goin’ straight, which wiz enough ae a pointer fur me tae get the hell oot the car.

A’ then began tae walk the 5km distance tae ma hoose, takin’ a few mare snaps on the way.


Aboot 10 minutes later the dude appeared again but a’ wiz haein’ none ae it. Fuck that shit. A’ reckon a’ wiz lucky tae get oot the car the last time, a’ wiznae aboot tae jump back in it again. He actually passed me again aboot 20 minutes aftir that at which point a’ decided tae get aff the main road an’ take some back roads tae make sure he couldnae follow me hame.

A’ dinnae ‘hink a’ll be takin’ any lifts fae dodgy geezers in the future. Ye got tae stay safe oot there kids.


The Photaes

Cheers the noo!

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