Lach’s Anti-Hoot Open Mic – 18/11/13

Nob Stewart


So folks, hoo’s it hangin? Fair tae middlin? Aye, same here.

Well, whit kin a’ tell ye? A’ hiv came back tae Scotland fae livin’ in Turkey an’ a’ thought a’d try and gie performin’ anithir bash. A’ hiv been oot ae the scene fur a while an’ wundered if a’ still had it…. if in fact a’ ever did.

A’ decided tae ease masel in gently and perform a couple ae poems at Lach’s Anti-hoot open mic nicht. Lach is whit a’ would caw a genuine geezer an’ he pits nae pressure under ye tae try and be awesome or else. He jist lets ye get on wi’ yer shit and Que Sera Sera.

That suits me doon tae the groond because a’ hiv had run ins wi’ various promoters in the past, due mainly tae the nature an’ quality ae ma material. Other promoters hae tae ‘hink aboot pleasin’ the punters tae much an’ if they get offended then the promoters profits go doon, so ye kin see why they only booked me yince.

Wheras Lach understands the creative process that an’ artist like masel has tae go though, in order jist tae get a luke warm reception so a’ kent that wiz the place tae start ma performin’ engine again. It is a bit rusty fur sure but at least a’ willnae burn aw the other promoter bridges in the country afore it gets up tae speed.

So, a’ prepared a couple ae poems that a’ thought a’ could get awa’ with without gettin’ any bottles thrown at me and headed aff tae Henry’s Cellar Bar in Edinburgh.

It wiz fairly quiet compared tae some ae the other nichts a’ hiv been there so there wiznae many people sittin’ doo the front but it wiz also mare busy then other nichts so at least there were double figures sittin’ up the back and a few at the bar.

Lach done his stuff and then a’ hink a’ wiz aboot the 3rd or 4th act on. There are twa £25 prizes up fur grabs each Monday fur 6 weeks fur the audience favourite and the staffs favourite to compete in a grand finale on the 16th ae December.

In a cunning ploy by Lach and the Management the mare ye drink, the mare votes ye kin cast. The idea being that if ye are shit, as long as ye bring along a lot ae yer mates whae like a severe swallae, then ye cannae lose….unless ae course ye say ye will pay fur their drink an’ they need tae drink mare than £25 quids worth tae ensure yer victory.

Regardless, if they drink enough ye will get through tae the final. Unfortunately a’ dinnae hae any mates whae would come an’ support me wi’ there aen cash an’ a’ certainly hivnae got the wherwithal tae encur any excess expenditure, as a’ am barely able tae be able tae afford even the train fare through there. A’ hae tae hide in the toilets on the return journey.

A’ wiz goin’ tae explain this tae the audience that a’ do in fact need the money mare than most cause ma drug dealer is bearin’ doon heavy on me richt noo and he says he will hurt ma unborn child if a’ dinnae pay up soon as he threatnin’ tae cut ma baws aff, but a’ dinnae want any sympathy votes.

So even though a’ hiv been there afore, a’ got cawed tae the Anti-hoot stage fur the first time by a slightly nervous lookin’ Lach, an’ awa’ a’ went. Even though he is cool, a’ am sure he must ae heard the rumours an’ he’s only human aftir aw. The pub gettin’ shut doon cause ae ma antics wouldnae dae anyin any guid, least ae aw masel as it’s aboot the only place that will let me near a microphone the noo.

Nob at Anti-hoot

A’ guess that wiz the reason a’ choose tae dae a couple ae poems rather than jist get tanked up an’ let rip. A’ ‘hink a’ need tae establish a certain amoont ae trustworthiness afore a’ kin really go tae toon an’ then by that time folks mae ken whit a’ am aw aboot or they kin phone the Polis as usual.

So a’ stayed sober an’ started wi’ Rock Star. It’s an auld yin, which meant a’ didnae need tae rehearse it too much and a’ feel as though it gives a guid introduction tae ma guid self an’ whit a’ am aboot, which is basically a failed Rock Star whae is noo tryin’ tae cling ontae any dignity he has left, especially aftir becomin’ a failed comedian an’ aw, by recitin’ slightly amusing poems.

It actually went doon reasonably well, wi’ twa burds in particular laughing in some ae the richt places. Aftir the poem a’ telt them a’d get their phone number fur a menage a tois but unfortunately that didnae materialise. Perhaps a’ shouldnae ae mentioned in the next poem that a’ had a wife and not clear up the fact that a’ am noo divorced.

Still, if they hiv offered a’ dare say a’ would ae broken ma marriage vows again at the chance ae haein’ twa burds between the sheets at the same time, even though they would have nae doubt been disappointed, at least a’ would ae been happy.

Not that the next poem painted a great picture ae ma married life cause it is cawed Porn Addict. It’s actually a commentary on hoo porn affects us aw an’ a’ set masel up as the hitman tae try an demonstrate oor common degeneracy.

The only problem wi’ that is if the audience laugh then they ‘hink everyin kens that’s whit they get up tae an’ some folks dinnae want tae admit that shit, wheras a’ ‘hink it’s best if it is oot in the open then we kin laugh aboot it an’ start makin’ better use ae oor time, instead ae wankin’ oorselves into oblivion. If only a’ listen tae ma aen reason cause a’ micht even get aff the first rung ae anyhin’ a’ attempt if a’ did, but no, the fuckin’ porn sucks ye back doon every time.

Anyway, a’ got a fair few laughs wi’ the poem, mare than a’ wiz expectin’ actually, although a’ hiv still tae get a laugh wi’ that line aboot the child porn. A’ keep it in though cause a’ believe it is suh’in we also need tae face up tae, cause a’ am sure it is dain’ mental damage tae both the perpertrators and victims ae such evil. They want tae ban us fae talkin’ aboot shit like this, so it gets buried under the table but call me old fashioned if ye like, a’ ‘hink folks that dae that should be fuckin’ hung and a’ dinnae mean in the penile length version ae the term.

So, a’ got through tae the end ae it withoot any flyin’ bottles or chairs which is aye’ways a bonus an’ left the stage in relative grace although Lach did wipe the microphone aftir a’ wiz aff.

Ma Performance

Yin ae the burds whaes number a’ asked fur wiz performin’ after me and it turned oot she wiz fae Glasgae. Well, that explained a lot, they are a bit mare mental through there an’ perhaps a’ need tae travel through there sometime. Maybe a’ll find a’ looser audience there as they are usually fairly pished at the best ae times.

She wiz a singer an’ when she said she wiz gonnae sing an Etta James song cawed I’d Rather Go Blind, which is yin ae ma favourites ae hers and indeed anybody’s, a’ switched ma video on immediately.

Not only has that burd got a guid sense ae humour, boy she kin sing as well.

Lach obviously never heard her introduction cause he asked if she wrote it hersel. If she did, a’ would ae asked tae be her promoter as well as her lover, cause as Lach said she sure done it justice…..even though he hardnae heard it afore.

As ye kin see in the photaes there were quite a few mare acts on that nicht with James Moore bein’ the geezer a’ voted fur as his guitar playin’ wiz pretty mesmerizing and puts me aff pickin’ up mine as a’ realise hoo totally shit a’ am.


A’ had tae laugh at whit Lach said when he returned tae the stage, “I can play the guitar as well as that, I just made an artistic decision not to”, tae which he got a reply fae an astute audience member ae, “Aye, right”.

A’ dinnae ken whae this geezer is but a’ liked the first verse ae his song so a’ stuck ma camera on fur that an’ aw.

It would be easy fur me tae video aw the acts but then a’ hae tae spend large chunks ae ma time editin’ them an’ ma mother is on ma case tae get a real job an’ the money a’ make on this website through donations is already well intae the minus figures.

A’ had tae run tae get ma train hame afore the winners were announced. In fact there wiz tae be a sudden death roond as twa constestants had the same number ae friends in the audience each but a’ had tae fly.

A’ instinctivly knew a’ wiznae gonnae win as the competition it is pretty much set up fur musicians tae triumph an’ if a’ had a thoosandth ae the guitar playin’ skills ae the likes ae Thomas Moore a’ would die a relativly happy, although nae doubt still unsuccesful man.

It turned oot the winners were Kirsty Kennedy who wiz obviously gonnae be a contenter wi’ her fine songwriting skills and Chris Willatt won the staff vote so guid luck tae them in the final.


The Photaes ae the Evening

A’ couple ae weeks later a’ returned tae gie it anothir bash an’ that will probably be the subject ae ma next blog, so stay tuned fur that yin. In the meantime, if ye enjoyed this yin then please dae yer best tae spread it aroond the net as a’ need aw the help a’ kin get… mare ways than yin obviously.

Cheers the noo…..


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