The Marriage Matrix

Nob Stewart

marriage

A’ would like tae talk a little bit aboot Married life cause sometimes I cannae believe a’ actually signed a legal document saying that I would voluntarily commit myself to one pussy fur the rest ae my life!!!!!

Whit the hell wiz a’ ‘hinkin’ aboot? A’ must hae been on some serious drugs at the time. Hold on……come tae ‘hink ae it….a’ wiz!

“The red pill, the red pill…

gie me the fucking red pill….

…but no, a’ swallowed a bitter pill”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,

I love ye too….

….. blah, blah blah”

A’ve been married fur God kens hoo many years noo and sometimes (well, quite a lot really) the thought ae shagging some fresh pussy turns me on. Ladies don’t get all uppity with me, I’m just being truthful.

A’ mean, whit harm would it dae just tae let me stick ma cock intae a strangers privates and then cum on her face? A’ ken a’d feel better after it and my wife would get a lot mare sex just on the back of ma memory of it. My dick would be hard fur weeks.

A’m not sae keen on ma wife fantasizing though. That’s a different thing altogether. What is good fur the goose isnae always good fur the gander. Am scared in case she would enjoy it tae much and then leave me tae fend fur masel, which believe me is a scary thought.

A’ guess the reason a’ fantasize sae much is cause a’ am having some erection problems these days. A’ look at way tae much porn on the internet and so when ma wife puts on her sexy knickers, it has next tae nae effect whatsoever.

“Look when I said I wanted a Semi, I meant a fucking house!!”

“Damn that fucking internet”

A’ luv ma wife; A’ think she’s the most beautiful creature on the face of the planet. Yet, a’ still struggle tae get it up! Hoo dae guys with really ugly birds manage? They must use a combination ae porn, brown paper bags and Viagra.

“Mare, mare. If ye want sex tonight a’ need mare.”

“Are ye sure ye cannae overdose on Viagra?”

“Who fucking cares? More, give me fucking more. Oh yes big boy, I love it, I love it. Oh, oh, that’s it, right there, oh baby, you fuck me good. Now don’t you shoot your load, I haven’t cum yet, ya baw bag”

Or maybe they are more in tune on a more spiritual level. Ye’d have tae convince yourself ae that wouldn’t you. It’s hard enough waking up to the same gorgeous bird every morning never mind waking up tae the thing from the black lagoon.

“Aaaarrrgghhh!!!”

“Phew, that’s better. A’ll shag ye noo… ya dirty whore.”

By the way, just in case you’re wondering, yes a’ hiv committed adultery, and yes, it was fucking magic!!

A’ met up with yin girl a’ got talking tae on a chatline service, ironically; it wiz aboot the only yin a’ didn’t hae phone sex with.

A’ wiz a bit nervous meeting up with her on a blind date.. and rightly so.. cause a’m not joking, she was fucking huge… whit a shag she was though.

“Well did you enjoy that?”

“Fuck me, a’ve died and went tae heaven. That was fucking awesome bitch. How do you do that shit with your arsehole? My God, the world will never look the same again.”

But ye ken hoo in oor culture, fat people are generally seen as ugly, or undesirable, well you should try shagging one, ken, jist fur the hell ae it. Let me tell ye there is a lot tae love aboot fat people, a hellava lot tae love.

A’ mean, dinnae get me wrong. a’ like skinny women tae.

In fact, a’d shag the hair on a barbers floor….. provided a’ connected with it on an emotional and spiritual level first, ae course. After all a’m not a dog….am a man, which in all fairness is probably worse.

A’ wiz actually scared tae dae it with that rather large lady the 4th time. A’ thought the bed wiz aboot tae fall through the bedroom floor intae oor new fitted kitchen. Try explaining that yin tae the wife, when she comes home.

“Well?”

“Well dear, a’ wiz just playing Trampoline on the bed. Ye ken, as I do……
….well, a’ used tae anyway”

Women smell bullshit… unfortunately.

But dae ye want tae know whit the best thing aboot shagging that fat bird was? Well it was the fact that she is a nurse and she has seen literally hundreds ae men’s willies.

“Come on big boy, get it out…don’t be shy, I’ll not bite… …well not unless you want me too, heh, heh, heh.”

And she telt me a’ had a big yin and that she liked it a lot. Well she didnae use those exact wurds but that was the jist ae it. Let me tell you, that made me happy, nae end.

“Hey, I love your knob so much…

…..I need a plaster cast made from it” (Yeah, in my dreams)

Because a’ve been convinced fur years that a’ had a small Willy. A’ imagine that even children would laugh when they seen ma cock.

Nae comment.

And it’s got worse as a’ve got older. A’ still feel inadequate somehow, like somehoo a’m not really a man, especially after looking at all those cocks on the internet, a’ feel positively deformed!!! Or should that be negatively deformed, a’m not sure.

The knob ae ma dreams.

But anyway, this nurse seemed tae like it a lot, a’ dinnae ‘hink she was faking it. Actually, see the first time we did it, she came 4 times on the bounce before a’ emptied ma sweaty sack. A’ wiz absolutely flabbergasted!!!! A’ wiz gonnae phone the Guinness Book ae Records.

A always kent a’d end up in here yin day.
Thought it would be mare for my solo sex antics though.

Anyway, a’ wiz kind ae separated fae ma wife at the time, so all you ladies can all stop hating me. When a’ say kind of separated, a’ mean she wasnae in the same country as me at the time, so fair play.

Actually it wiz the best thing that ever happened to ma marriage cause it has brought us closer together, and made us less controlling ae each other. Ye dinnae hear that yin on the fucking Dear Deirdre problem page in the Sun newspaper, dae ye?

If only we could sue them. Let’s see how quick the advice would dry up.

But a’m afraid my wife is actually starting to put a bit ae weight on. This will not dae. A’m going tae hae tae trade her in fur a slimmer model. It’s alright shaggin’ a fat bird but being married tae yin is a different story altogether.

A’ wouldnae have noticed, but every night she’s like, “Am a’ getting tae fat? Dae ye ‘hink a’ need tae lose weight?” A’m like, “Well, noo that ye mention it.”

A’ dinnae ken whit tae fat is tae tell ye the truth. We’re aw different shapes and sizes and I personally ‘hink that’s worth celebrating. A’ certainly celebrated when a’ wiz  lost in that fat birds tits.

“Help!!…help!!…..cannae… breathe”

But a’ am trying tae make the most ae the wife’s genitals these days. A’ feel it’s ma duty. A’ recently used a dildo on her fur the first time. A’ couldnae believe hoo much she actually took up there. Cause compared to my willy, this thing was fucking huge. I mean, it must have been at least 4″.

Sometimes, a’ like tae jist hae ordinary sex with ma wife. A’ mean it’s quite enjoyable but it’s hardly earth shattering. But a’ve got tae be grateful fur small mercies. The fact that some girl wants tae shag me at all is a result and a’ hiv tae say (just in case my wife is reading this) that a’ do not regret getting married at all…not yin bit…the thought never crosses my mind…honest….would a’ lie tae ye?

I’d still like to shag the fuck oot of a young virgin though…

…..or an old tart, as ye probably gathered, a’m not that fussy.

And aftir all, don’t all women deserve tae hae a bit ae Nob inside them? 😉

Cheers the noo…

Nob

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