The Police

Part One

Part Two

police

Ok afore we start, are there any fans ae The Police reading this?

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By the way, a’ dinnae mean Stings auld band.

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No, a’ am ae course talking aboot her majesty’s finest……bunch ae wankers.

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Because guess whit? A’m no’ a fan ae the Police,

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Although the Police dae seem tae be quite big fans ea me, aye they do.

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Cause every time a’ get in ma car,

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They take ma fucking picture.

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They’re worse than the paparazzi.

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Its unreal, flash flash flash as a’m going doon the street.

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And then a couple ae days later they send me the photaes,

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And ask fur an autograph,

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Oh aye, they’re huge fans ae Nob alricht.

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Actually they dinnae so much ask me fur an autograph, as blackmail me.

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They say if a’ dinnae sign and give them £30 tae help support ma aen fan club, then they threaten tae stalk me!

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If a’ still dinnae pay then they’re going tae kidnap me and put me under lock and key

Ain't Seen the Sunshine

Fur 24 hours a day,

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Until their fascination wears aff.

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Which they explain, could take years.

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Hey, a’m not saying a’m no’ touched….

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But if ye ask me, that’s taking fanaticism a bit tae far.

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A’ think taking ma picture withoot asking is the height ae rudeness.

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But that argument doesnae hold up in the courts…cause apparently a’ dinnae make the laws. No, THEY do. Bastards.

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So a’ve decided tae fight a yin-man revolution.

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Aye, a’ve stopped wearing a seatbelt.

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There’s nae feeling like it, driving past a Police Van and looking the policeman right in the eye. a’ get a wee lump in ma trousers every time.

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Oh, go on the revolution, a’m the man, a’m the man.

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See, a’ve got a polarity responder gene in me.

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Whenever a’ am told tae dae something, a’ just dae the exact opposite. A’ am a bit like a politician in that sense.

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It’s a bit ae a problem that has been with me all ma life, this rebel gene.

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Fur instance, a’ cannae wait fur them tae change these drink driving laws.

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Because a’ cannae get in a car withoot having 6 Guinness and a couple ae whiskeys.

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And ma driving is pretty Hellish.

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A’ can sense that yin ae these days a’ am going tae hae a crash.

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But it’s Ok, a’ only drive at nighttime, when there are nae kids on the street.

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Only adults. And we aw ken, they’re expendable.

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So that’s alright then. And a’ hate the methods they have fur testing fur drink drivers.

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Apparently, if ye can walk in a straight line fur 10 yards that proves ye’re sober.

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Or if ye can touch yer nose with yer hand, that proves ye’re sober.

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Or if ye can stand on yin leg and sing the birdie song that proves yer sober.

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It’s very scientific.

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A’ got pulled over by the police the other day.

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This policeman came up behind me, he wiz like “Stop Stop Stop”

“Ye’re driving is hellish,

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Get oot the car, get oot the car”

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“Right pal I want ye tae touch yer nose with yer hand tae prove tae me that ye’ve not been drink driving”

A’ said “A’m not touching ma nose with ma hand fur ye, tae prove that A’m sober, what are yoo going tae dae fur me tae prove that yoo are a policeman?”

And so he went ‘FUCKO’.

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He battered me with his truncheon a’ was like, “Ok Ok, You win, you win.

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Ye’ve proved ye’re a fascist bastard.”

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Jesus Christ.

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And talking ae the police, dae ye ken that every top policeman

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Is actually a high-ranking freemason?

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For instance see that Chief Inspector that gives the news conferences when they are daeing a big murder inquiry.

Benitez Jenkins Dine

Dae ye ken he had tae roll his sleeve up and shag 6 goats tae get that job?

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That gives a whole new twist on police brutality.

Maybe a better name would be Police Bestiality.

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And obviously everyone kens that George Bush, Bill Clinton, Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and aw the other members ae the Power Elite Gang,

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all ae them are 33rd Degree Freemasons.

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If the lowly police officer is shagging goats, then whit the hell are they getting up tae?

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Oh aye, that’s richt, they’re raping children!

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Allegedly anyway, allegedly.

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At least according tae David Icke, so it must be true.

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Cause David Icke is oe of them isn’t he. He is in the web, he is getting used by these guys.

He is actually telling everybody the truth!

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But they get it to come from a total madman.

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So it all gets washed up into the reptilian alien agenda and all the meat and potato provable stuff sounds totally outlandish.

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It’s the ultimate double bluff.

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He tells us about George Orwell and his Double Speak and yet he’s doing it himself!

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It is all completely ridiculous.

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It would though be interesting to find oot exactly whit is happening tae all those children that go missing every year.

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But a’ feel a bit sorry fur the Police.

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Cause it is not easy policing the streets ae Britain these days.

Or anywhere fur that matter.

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Cause there is mare and mare crime, especially wi’ the youth, its all getting a bit scary.

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A’m thinking aboot helping the Police

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A’ am thinking about getting a CCTV camera attached tae ma head,

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And a microchip in ma brain as well

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A microchip attached tae the camera.

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So any time a’ even think aboot doing anything slightly naughty….

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An arm comes oot the camera and sprays me with mace.

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Cause as well as stopping crime that would help tae blind me tae the new big brother society that is being introduced before oor very eyes.

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It would be a great help tae them. Fur instance recently in Glasgow, they spent ower 2 million pounds on a high tech surveillance station.

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And put cameras up everywhere aw ower the city centre.

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And their excuse fur doing this was because a couple ae Neds attacked a couple ae grannies at a bus shelter.

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So now we’ve aw got tae suffer and be spied on.

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A’ve got a better idea. Why don’t we educate the Neds wi’ that money.

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Is that not better, instead ae turning Britain intae a paranoid culture?

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Lets educate the Neds, Give them some hope in their lives,

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Make good on their life skills that they hiv gained already.

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Give them a community centre so they can play table tennis and chill oot a bit.

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In the future these guys may turn oot tae be Ned plastic Surgeons.

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Eh, you never know, ye never know “Oi Nurse Senga,

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Gonnae pass the scalpel?

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Ah, thanks very much, SLASH SLASH SLASH!

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Let me get right in aboot this face.

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Who would hiv thought all that slashing would come in this handy? That was a brilliant pioneer scheme by the labour government.

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Goan yerself Gordon Brown.

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And another kind ae Policemen a’ dinnae like are sleeping policeman. That’s right a’ dinnae even like Policemen that are made ae concrete!

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A’ wouldnae mind so much if they were real policemen.

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Cause it’s a pain in the arse getting slowed doon everywhere but if they were real policeman then a’ would be like, “A’ will jist take that detour doon that road with all the real policemen on”

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There we go, there goes another Policeman’s skull.

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Wee, what a perfectly guid way tae slow down my driving. a’ dinnae mind that at aw.

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And recently there was a big hoo ha when all the Rangers fans, all the Neds

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Went doon tae Manchester fur the Uefa cup final

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And then the CCTV footage was released ae aw the Neds chasing the policemen doon the street.

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Whae kin blame them, they were jist getting revenge!

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If a’ wiz caught up in that hulluballoo and a policeman fell in front ae me…

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Fuck it, a’ would gie him a good welly as well!

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Cause a’ am mad too ladies and gentleman

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A’ am a bit ae a nutter.

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Oh, a’ dinnae ken, its always Us

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Against Them isn’t it?

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Why cant we all jist be yin big happy Family?

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So that is ma thoughts on the Police.

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A’ hope ye maybe got a little chuckle.

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Or a’ at least held yer attention.

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Take care and a’ will see you on the next yin….

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Auld Version – Part One

Auld Version – Part Two

Photo Book 1

Photo Book 2

Photo Book 3

Photo Book 4

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