I have a little bit of a rant about The Police inter-spliced with photos with music to give it an extra bit of Oomph!
The Police – Video with Photos
Ok before we start, are there any fans of The Police watching this?
By the way, I don’t mean Stings old band.
No, I am of course talking about her majesty’s finest……bunch of wankers.
Because guess what? I’m not a fan of the Police,
Although the Police do seem to be quite big fans of me, aye they do.
Because every time I get in my car,
they take my fucking picture.
They’re worse than the paparazzi.
Its unreal, flash flash flash as I am going down the street.
And then a couple of days later they send me the photos,
And ask for an autograph,
Oh aye, they’re huge fans of me alright.
Actually they don’t so much ask me for an autograph, as blackmail me.
They say if I don’t sign and give them £30 to help support my own fan club, then they threaten to stalk me!
If I still don’t pay then they’re going to kidnap me and put me under lock and key
for 24 hours a day,
Until their fascination wears off.
Which they explain, could take years.
Hey, I’m not saying I’m not touched….
but if you ask me, that’s taking fanaticism a bit too far.
I think taking my picture without asking is the height of rudeness.
But that argument doesn’t hold up in the courts…cause apparently I don’t make the laws.
No, THEY do. Bastards.
So I’ve decided to fight a one-man revolution.
Aye, I’ve stopped wearing a seatbelt.
There’s no feeling like it, driving past a Police Van and looking the policeman right in the eye.
I get a wee lump in my trousers every time.
Oh, go on the revolution, I’m the man, I’m the man.
See, I’ve got a polarity responder gene in me.
Whenever I am told to do something, I just do the exact opposite. I am a bit like a politician in that sense.
It’s a bit of a problem that has been with me all my life, this rebel gene.
For instance, I can’t wait for them to change these drink driving laws.
Because I cannae get in a car without having 6 Guinness and a couple of whiskeys.
And my driving is pretty Hellish.
I can sense that one of these days I am going to have a crash.
But it’s Ok, I only drive at nighttime, when there are no kids on street.
Only adults. And we all know they’re expendable.
So that’s alright then.
And I hate the methods they have for testing for drink drivers.
Apparently, if you can walk in a straight line for 10 yards that proves you’re sober.
Or if you can touch your nose with your hand, that proves you’re sober.
Or if you can stand on one leg and sing the birdie song that proves your sober.
It’s Very scientific.
I got pulled over by the police the other day.
This policeman came up behind me, he was like “Stop Stop Stop”
“You’re driving is hellish,
get out the car, get out the car”
“Right pal I want you to touch your nose with your hand to prove to me that you’ve not been drink driving”
I said “I’m not touching my nose with my hand for you, to prove that I’m sober, wwhat are you going to for me to prove that you are a policeman?”
and so he went ‘FUCKO’.
He battered me with his truncheon
I was like, “Ok Ok, You win, you win.
You’ve proved you’re a fascist bastard.”
And talking of the police, do you know that every top policeman
is actually a high-ranking freemason?
For instance see that Chief Inspector that gives the news conferences when they are doing a big murder enquiry.
Do you know he had to roll his sleeve up and shag 6 goats to get that job?
That gives a whole new twist on police brutality.
Maybe a better name would be police Bestiality.
And obviously everyone knows that George Bush, Bill Clinton, Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and all the other members of the Power Elite Gang, all of them are 33rd Degree Freemasons.
If the lowly police officer is shagging goats, then what the hell are they getting up to?
Oh aye, that’s right, they’re raping children!
Allegedly anyway, allegedly.
At least according to some of the so called ‘conspiracy theorists’ out there.
It would though be interesting to find out exactly what is happening to all those children that go missing every year.
But I feel a bit sorry for the Police.
Cause it is not easy policing the streets of Britain these days.
Or anywhere for that matter.
Cause there is more and more crime, especially with the youth, its all getting a bit scary.
I’m thinking about helping the Police
I am thinking about getting a CCTV camera attached to my head,
And a microchip in my brain as well
A microchip attached to the camera.
So any time I even think about doing anything slightly naughty….
an arm comes out the camera and sprays me with mace.
Cause as well as stopping crime that would help to blind me to the new big brother society that is being introduced before our very eyes.
It would be a great help to them.
For instance recently in Glasgow, they spent over 2 million pounds on a high tech surveillance station.
And put cameras up everywhere all over the city centre.
And their excuse for doing this was because a couple of neds attacked a couple of grannies at a bus shelter.
So now we’ve all got to suffer and be spied on.
I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t we educate the Neds with that money.
Is that not better, instead of turning Britain into a paranoid culture?
Lets educate the neds, Give them some hope in their lives,
Make good on their life skills that they have gained already.
Give them a community centre so they can play table tennis and chill out a bit.
In the future these guys may turn out to be Ned plastic Surgeons.
Eh, you never know, you never know “Oi Nurse Senga,
Gonnae pass the scalpel?
Ah, thanks very much, SLASH SLASH SLASH!
Let me get right in about this face.
Who would have thought all that slashing would come in this handy?
That was a brilliant pioneer scheme by the labour government.
Goan yerself Gordon Brown.
And another kind of policemen I don’t like are sleeping policeman.
That’s right I don’t even like policemen that are made of concrete!
I wouldn’t mind so much if they were real policemen.
Cause it’s a pain in the arse getting slowed down everywhere but if they were real policeman “hey, I will just take that detour down that road with all the real policemen on”
There we go, there goes another policemans skull.
Wee, what a perfectly good way to slow down my driving.
I don’t mind that at all.
And recently there was a big hoo ha when all the Rangers fans, all the Neds
Went down to Manchester for the Uefa cup final
And then the cctv footage was released of all the neds chasing the policemen down the street.
Who can blame them, they are just getting revenge!
If I was caught up in that hulluballoo and a policeman fell in front of me…
Fuck it, I would give him a good welly as well!
Cause I am mad too ladies and gentleman
I am a bit of a nutter.
Oh, I don’t know, its always Us
against Them isn’t it?
I don’t know who won on this occasion
Why cant we all just be one big happy Family?
So that is my thoughts on the old Police.
I hope you maybe got a little chuckle.
Or I at least held your attention.
Take care and I will see you on the next one, Bye Bye!