Porn Addict

Gonna hiv tae face it, a'm addicted tae porn!

A’ didnae want tae get left behind
Somewhere, a’ dinnae ken where
So a’ spent a bloody fortune
On a high tech personal computer

But ever since a’ bought it
A’ cannae find the time
Tae dae any’hin but search fur porn
Tell me, is that a crime?

internet-porn

A’ sometimes wish it were
Cause a’ cannae pull masel away
A’ sit there cock in hand
Fur at least 10 hoors a day

The quality is spectacular
A’ve got high grade resolution
The only problem is
A’m headin’ fur an institution

Fur when a’ click upon a link
That says anal sex
A’ flip ma lid when a’m taken tae
Anothir page wi’ nu’hin’ but text

Aw a’ want tae see is a woman
Wi’ a penis up her bum
Or at the very least, a man
Bendin’ ower fur his chum

That isnae tae much tae hope for, is it?
A computer that doesnae lie
A’ dinnae ask for much in life
Tae keep me satisfied

When a’ do eventually find a site
That isnae really lame
A’ then wank masel intae a frenzy
Until ma wife comes hame

Fur a’ dinnae want her tae catch me at it
In case she expects some attention
Nu’hin’ is goin’ tae come between me
An’ the wurlds greatest porn invention

Gonnae leave us alane!

Sure she cooks ma dinner
An’ tidies up aroond the house
But she cannae bring me pleasure
Like ma domesticated mouse

Cause sex wi’ the missus
Nae longer turns me on
An’ it’s no’ cause since we got married
She’s gained eleven stone

And it’s no’ because she doesnae shave
Her armpits or her beard
It’s because ma willy winnae get hard
Unless it’s watching su’hin’ weird

So a’ noo spend half oor income
On toilet paper alone
An’ obviously a’ use maest ae it
When a’m on the wankin’ throne

A’ve even had tae remove the basket
That usually absorbs ma sin
An’ a’ve had tae replace it
Wi’ a fuckin’ wheelie bin

A’ do get slightly embarrassed
When the dustmen pick it up
An’ a huge mass ae rock hard pink bog roll
Slides oot intae the truck

wanking

The neighbours are astounded
They dinnae ken where tae look
By the way they look at me
Ye’d ‘hink a’ wiz a crook

Maybe they’ve got a point
As a’m really startin’ tae worry
Where will this perversion lead?
An’ believe me, it’s goin’ there in a fuckin’ hurry

Maybe ye will come tae see me
In aboot 6 months time
But a’ll be in the dock getting sentenced
Fur a Gary Glitter crime

Not fur molesting pre-pubescents
A’ mean, that’s jist malign
A’ meant fur lookin’ at child porn
Come on, there is a line

“It wiznae ma fault yer Honour”
A’ would plead as a’m dragged away
“A’ had ran oot ae decent options
Cause a’ wank 10 hoors a day

Ok, ok, a’ will go quietly
As long as ye promise me yin ‘hing
That a’ can still get access
Tae the adult porno ring”

A’ often wonder whit ma Granny
Watchin’ fae Heaven would ‘hink
Aftir watchin’ me masturbate
Ma whole life doon the sink

‘Well was it worth it little one?’
A’ kin almost hear her say
And a’d reply, ‘Sure it wiz Grandma,
A’ kin noo wank in peace, 24 hours a day’

An’ a’ wouldnae hae tae worry
Aboot pleasin’ that womans needs
A’d actually be daein’ ma wife a favour
By discardin’ aw ma fertile seeds

Cause the last ‘hing a’ need
Is some bairn callin’ me their Paw
A’ hiv got enough tae deal wi’
In jist keepin’ me oot the arms ae the Law

A’ wouldnae be able tae stop masel
Fae installin’ ma every bad habit
The kid wouldnae stand a chance in life
An’ ma wife would be at least doubly crabbit

So aw in aw it is probably fur the best
That a’ get locked awa’ in a four foot cell
As long as a’ hiv got full internet access
It’ll only be me that is goin’ straight tae hell

Oh how I love Porn!

Billy’s Version

I didn’t want to get left behind
Somewhere, I don’t know where
So I spent a bloody fortune
On a high tech personal computer

But ever since I bought it
I can’t seem to find the time
To do anything but search for porn
Tell me, is that a crime?

I sometimes wish it were
Cause I can’t pull myself away
I sit there cock in hand
For at least 10 hours a day

The quality is spectacular
I’ve got high grade resolution
The only problem is
I’m heading for an institution

For when I click upon a link
That says anal sex
I flip my lid when I’m taken to
Another page with nothing but text

All I want to see is a woman
With a penis up her bum
Or at the very least, a man
Bending over for his chum

That isn’t too much to hope for, is it?
A computer that doesn’t lie
I don’t ask for much in life
To keep me satisfied

When I do eventually find a site
That isn’t really lame
I then wank myself into a frenzy
Until my wife comes hame

I don’t want her to catch me at it
In case she expects some attention
Nothing is going to come between me
And the worlds greatest porn invention

Sure she cooks my dinner
And tidies up around the house
But she can’t bring me pleasure
Like my domesticated mouse

Cause sex with the missus
No longer turns me on
And it’s not cause since we got married
She’s gained eleven stone

And it’s not because she doesn’t shave
Her armpits or her beard
It’s because my willy won’t get hard
Unless it’s watching something weird

So I now spend half our income
On toilet paper alone
And obviously I use most of it
When I’m on the wanking throne

I’ve even had to remove the basket
That usually absorbs my sin
And I’ve had to replace it
With a fucking wheelie bin

I do get slightly embarrassed
When the dustmen pick it up
And a huge mass of rock hard pink bog roll
Slides out into the truck

The neighbours are astounded
They don’t know where to look
By the way they look at me
You’d think I were a crook

Maybe they’ve got a point
As I’m really starting to worry
Where will this perversion lead?
And believe me, it’s going there in a fucking hurry

Maybe you’ll come to see me
In about six months time
But I’ll be in the dock getting sentenced
For a Gary Glitter crime

Not for the molesting of pre-pubescents
I mean, that is just malign
I meant for looking at child porn
Come on…..there is a line

“It wasn’t my fault your Honour”
I would plead as I’m led away
“I had ran out of decent options
Cause I wank ten hours a day

Ok, ok, I will go quietly
As long as you promise me one thing
That I can still get access
To the adult porno ring”

I often wonder what my Granny
Watching from Heaven would think
After watching me masturbate
My whole life down the sink

‘Well was it worth it little one?’
I can almost hear her say
And I’d reply, ‘Sure it was Grandma,
I can now wank in peace, twenty four hours a day’

And I wouldn’t need to worry
About pleasing that womans needs
I’d also be doing my wife a favour
By discarding all my fertile seeds

Cause the last thing a’ need
Is some child calling me their Paw
I have got enough tae deal with
In just keeping me out the arms of the Law

I wouldn’t be able to stop myself
From installing my every bad habit
The kid wouldn’t stand a chance at life
And my wife would be at least doubly crabbit

So all in all it is probably for the best
That I get locked away in a four foot cell
As long as I have got full internet access
It’ll only be me that is going straight tae hell

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