Pussy Hunt

Nob Stewart

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A’ hiv been spending a lot ae time recently avoiding doing whit it is a’ really need tae dae. Anyone else suffer fae that syndrome? A’ gie masel mare grief and heartache by avoiding shit than a’ would get if a’ done the shit in the first place.

Take yesterday fur example. A’ hiv mare than enough tae be getting on wi’ by puttin’ this site together and aw that entails but whit dae a’ dae? A’ smoke a large joint at 12 o’clock, thus pittin’ me oot ae action fur the rest ae the day. Avoidence ae wurk tactic that never fails.

Why dae a’ dae it? Fuck kens. A’ reckon a’ am scared ae success so a’ sabotage masel frequently. A’ am tryin’ tae learn tae stop this and grow as a person because if ye dinnae change ye end up going backwards, a successful person deals with change in an adult manner, not by getting stoned oot ae their tits fur maest ae their adult lives, which is whit a’ hiv done.

A’ hiv reached a point in ma life where it is noo or never. A’ am havin’ a trial separation fae ma wife, a’ ‘hink we’ll get back taegethir but a’ want tae be self sufficient first. A’ want tae be makin’ money (God kens hoo) fae usin’ whit little talents a’ wiz born wi’ an’ makin’ the maest ae them, so a’ NEED tae get ma finger OOT ae ma arse an’ stop making excuses.

Like on Wednesday nicht, instead ae wurking on the site a’ went tae a guys hoose tae smoke loads ae grass an’ watch the fitba. Enjoyable evening, yes, up tae a point but it winnae get the bills paid, will it? A’m havin’ tae sell ma hoose so that a’ kin pay off debts and buy a place mortgage free. Then a’ kin live aff the dole mare comfortably. It’s no’ that a’ dinnae want tae work, it’s jist a’ dinnae want ta be a slave. If a’ could get a job a’ enjoyed that paid well then superb, a’m back in the game, unfortunately a’ cannae see any ae those kind ae jobs oot there. Most jobs want ye tae start sucking cock at the interview and a’ dinnae play that game.

The thing a’ want tae dae most though, is get this site up tae scratch and maybe try some stand up comedy gigs again. Get oot there and start doing it. The thing is sometimes a’ dinnae ‘hink a’m that funny. A’ reckon a’m mare ae a Henry Rollins type, that can tell reasonably amusing stories but a’ struggle tae get a laugh every 30 seconds. Anyway, perhaps a’ need tae try more, so with that a’ hiv started goin’ ower ma auld material and a’ will polish these up and video my rehearsals and pit them on the site as well. Aw feedback is welcome as long as its good…sorry, constructive.

Technically, a’ should take this great advice ae mine and work really hard tonicht but there is a devil on ma shoulder saying “It’s ok, it’s Friday night, yiv hardly done fuck aw aw week, but ye deserve a rest, go and get smashed tonicht as well.” We’ll see what transpires…..

Two Days Later

Well, no prizes fur guessing what a’ done on Friday night. Yep, a’ went tae ma mates hoose and got smashed. So much fur hard work, eh? A’ reckon though sometimes the mind needs a break, a change ae scenery, so that it can be inspired or whitever. Aw work and nae play makes Jack a dull chap. A’ jist need tae master the work part ae that and a’ll hae a guid excuse fur being dull.

That’s the ‘hing aboot writing blogs if ye lead a dull life. Whit the fuck dae ye pit in them? Got up, scratched ma baws, had a guid shit, brushed ma teeth, had a wank, surfed the net, had anither wank, had breakfast, got stoned, stared intae space, watched tv etc…no’ very exciting is it? Thats the story ae ma fucking life these days.

Anyway, on Friday nicht doon at ma mates hoose a’ proved for the upteenth time that a’ am the ultimate King ae mini table tennis. He has a couple of small bats and we play on his coffee table. A’ll hae tae take the video camera doon yin nicht tae show ye hoo great a’ am. A’ must hiv played ower 100 games noo and a’ve only been between twice. Aftir that a’ asked ma mate tae drop me up Falkirk toon centre so a’ could eye up some skirt.

As a’ mentioned above a’m separated fae ma wife richt noo and a’m going blind….quickly. So a’ went oot on the toon masel tae get talking tae some women. Jist talking tae women cheers me up immensely. A’ ‘hink they’re great. A went intae this pub a’ thought wiz goin’ tae be a bit rough but it was actually really cool. They had Karaoke on and a’ like the Karaoke crowd cause they’re mare real an’ up for a laugh than the poser parade ye get in some pubs.

Anyway, a’ got talking tae this Lady wi’ purple extensions in her hair. She wiz married but sometimes a’ feel the universe finds a person whae has information tae give ye that ye need tae hear. It’s really weird. The ‘hings this women said tae me in our conversation related directly tae ma life as it is just noo. As a’ wiz listenin’ a’ kent some higher power wiz pittin’ wurds in her mooth.

She wiz sayin’ ‘hings aboot relationships. Hoo hard they kin be, hoo ye need tae work at them, hoo it is guid tae ficht wi’ each other as that opens up communication and maest importantly dinnae let any-yin else pit ye aff someone if ye ‘hink they’re richt fur ye. A’ ken it soonds jist like general relationship stuff and maest of it was but it wiz su’hin that a’ needed tae hear and a’ hope a’ bear it in mind if and when ma wife and a’ get back taegethir. A’ then went tae a club tae try an’ find some pussy. As a’ said, a’m desperate.

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A’ tried tae get intae the local hotspot, Hurricane, but the booncers wouldnae let me in cause they said a’ had trainers on. A’ said “They arnae trainers they are kind ae half trainers, half shoes” So they replied, “Well its the half that’s trainers that’s the reason yer no’ getting in”. Smart bastards, eh?

So, as a’ was walking away, a’ heard a girl say tae a guy tae pit his socks ower his trainers tae get in. Mmmmm. Interesting a’ thought. So a’ waited 10 mins, pit ma socks ower ma trainers and tried again. Success!!! A’ waltzed straight in, it wiz brilliant to get one over the bouncers. Christ kens how they didnae recognize me wi’ aw ma Tartan gear on.

A’ had actually been there a couple ae weeks afore and they had a wee rope ootside the door tae guide people in but a’ wiz approaching fae the other direction so a’ tried to squeeze through the rope and go tae the door directly. Noo, bearing in mind there wiz absolutely nae-yin else in the queue, what harm would it hae done tae let me squeeze through?

Of course the bouncer had tae ask me whit a’ wiz daein’, tae which a’ replied a’ wiz goin’ intae the club, whit did it look like. He said, a’d hae tae walk the long way aroond the rope. A’ said it would be quicker tae just go through the gap. He looked at my shoes. Nae luck that time cause a’ had shoes on. A’ had tae crack a joke tae get let in though as he wasnae a happy bunny that someone questioned his authority. Rules and fuckin’ regulations are everywhere in this country. Whitever happened tae common sense? A’ guess we’ll hae tae remember it fondly as it’s goin’ mare and mare oot the windae these days.

Needless to say, a’ didnae find any pussy that time or this time. A’ dinnae ‘hink pussy exists actually. A’ ‘hink all the porn a’ watch is done wi’ special computer generated effects, those pussies arenae real. Nobody gets real pussy. It’s a myth. Ma wife claims she has yin but I’ve got my doobts. Maybe a’ should invite her back and check it oot sometime, it’s the closest a’ will come tae ever findin’ oot.

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