I would like to present my story of events here and then be done with him and more than likely Scottish Comedy once and for all because I believe that comedy like most anything else on this planet is not driven by the question, what can I do to improve society but rather how can I make as much money as possible out of peddeling shite.
At this point I would like to state the fact that like every other hopeful newcomer comedian I had good and bad nights and probably like most other comedians who don’t gig in the big clubs, the bottom line is that I was probably not funny or consistent enough to earn that right, although I suspect there were probably other reasons too, which I am beginning to find out.
The first gig I performed for Absolute Arsehole about 6 or 7 years ago went really well. I done 15 minutes and as Absolute Arsehole himself said to me after the gig there was “consistent laughing for the last 10 minutes”. Actually there was another promoter, now a successful kids comedian there that night who enjoyed my set also and booked me several times for gigs he ran.
In my naievity after the gig, I said to Absolute Arsehole,”If you’d like to book me again just give me a call.”I’m guessing he didn’t like that. I’m guessing you should know your place as a new start and beg for gigs for a couple of years before expecting a phone call. Fair enough. I never recieved a call and the only gigs I could get with him were when he needed mugs to fill up his Gong Show competitions, which I fucking hate.
If you’ve had a look around my website I’m sure you can see that I’m not exactly politically correct. I believe that comedy should challange the norms of thought in our society and hopefully give us a laugh of recognition so that we can all evolve our ideas. (Yes, I am paraphrasing Bill Hicks.) Well, that was my idea to start with although I did try the ‘safe’ method also, anything to get gigs.
So everytime I asked Absolute Arsehole for a gig, I got the reply, do 5 minutes at the Gong show and I’ll give you a gig. But if you’ve got 3 touchy women in the audience with a card basically I’ve got no chance. The minority rule the majority as is happening with political correctness etc.
For instance one time at a gig, I said “Guess what I got my wife for Xmas…….absolutely fuck all” Whallop, 3 cards went up and I was out of there. Never mind that the full story takes 3 minutes to tell and actually sides with my wife and makes me out to be the tosser.
I have also not found favour with the other main promoter in Scotland who I shall refer to as Sheep Herder. That is another long story. So although I was getting small gigs here and there, without the support of the big two promoters, I decided to quit comedy. This was over 2 years ago.
By the way, if they didn’t want to book me, fine, that is their right and I accept that. I have no beef with that whatsoever, all I know is I kept my integrity. I just thought, fine I’ll do it myself and so I even put on my own one man show at the Edinburgh Festival in 2002 so that I could get stage time and valuable experience and of course absolutly no one from Scottish Comedy came to see. I have been the black sheep for quite a while. And you know what, I fucking love it. Better out than in the fucking ‘gang’. Here’s my only review I got during my run.
Billy Watson – Man With A Mission
It is good to see Scottish comics taking shows to the Fringe – not intimidated by the high standard of many of the international acts.
And the local lad certainly put his heart and soul into his show, working the small audience extremely well.
He has excellent confidence and stage presence, but his material needs some attention.
If you tackle such well-worn subjects as the War on Terrorism or internet pornography, you have to find something fresh and funny to say about them.
Watson would benefit from a few months on the London circuit – honing his material and learning where to draw the line.
All the same, I admired his gung-ho dedication to his craft, particularly the story of how he was on stage when he admitted marital infidelity for the first time – and his wife was in the audience.
STAR RATING (out of five): ***
Chris Wilson
So I thought stand up wasn’t for me. Maybe I just wasn’t funny enough, maybe they were right. Maybe they still are, who knows? But anyway, I decided to goto to Mallorca to be a the sole entertainer at a large hotel to train myself in talking to large crowds so that I didn’t shit myself everytime I went on stage. It was the usual stuff, games by day, quiz, bingo and compering at night. I enjoyed that, it gave me lots of stage time and I got lots of positive feedback from guests and staff alike.
I guess though, I still had a comedy itch. So I thought maybe I was a comedy poet. So even though by this time I had no inclination to perform comedy again I thought I’d channel my creativity into putting a website together of about 20 poems and some songs and videos for another character I created called Hamish McScottie.
This obviously took time to learn the basics of webpage design, photoshop and obviously a lot of work to put it together.
So, when somebody on the Chortle website forum asked if anyone done any comedy poetry I put up a link to my newly created website and a link to a poem called Funny Cunt. I thought this was very apt because it described an experience of performing stand up and chortle as you may have guessed is a website that most UK comedians visit frequently. This is where Absolute Arsehole and his big fucking gob DID start to fucking wind me up.
He came onto the board almost straight away to shoot me down in flames. First of all, he jumped in with my birth name when I’d posted under a character I sometimes performed as called Hamish McScottie. Who gives him the right to do that? Does he think that’s big and clever? Then he said that my character was the worst act he had ever seen apart from another time I got naked on his stage (at another fucking Gong show, suprise, suprise). He said something like an act called Mudfinger was a genius compared to me.
(Mudfinger is not my favourite act in the world yet he was a cult amongst Scottish Comedians for 2 years. His act is below Kindergarden level although amazingly enough he got picked for a mobile phone competition run by Channel 4 as one of the 10 finalists. Maybe I’m just jealous because I didn’t even make the heat.)
So anyway, that was his opinion and he is welcome to it but was there any need for a promoter who has never been interested in booking me ever, come onto a board after not having seen me for at least 2 years and to shout me down like that? I didn’t think it was neccessary and so seeing as how I (used to) hate getting involved in arguements over a forum, I sent him a personal email explaining my position. Did he have the balls or even the good grace to reply? Did he fuck.
At this point, I actually went and performed a few of these poems and got a good response in poetry nights so I thought I’d try at a comedy gig and to my great suprise I performed 2 poems that went down an absolute storm at the State Bar in Glasgow. I performed these as myself as Hamish was pretty shite, I had to agree with arsehole on that one. I believe it was the treatment by the likes of Arsehole and Sheep Herder that drove me to coming up with these daft characters as I’m quite a sensitive soul really.
Heartened by this small success I thought I would try contacting Sheep Herder again. I’m an eternal optimist. I sent him a link to my website and told him how well the poems went down in Glasgow. He agreed to come and see me. Oh what joy!! Time to let bygones be bygones and all that.
So he did come to see me at a gig run by a decent bloke called Mac Burger. I performed the poems (Itchy Willy and Porn Addict), they went down very well again. In fact, Sheep Herder said I was the best performer on the night. But then he asked me “What was the point?” I said “I don’t get what you mean.” He said “In the past no matter how funny you were or were not, you always had a point to say about society (ala Bill Hicks) and you shouldn’t lower yourself to do a 10 minute Knob gag. You’re better than that!!”
This left me rather confused as I thought me making a point is what got me barred from his club in the first place. Also, don’t forget I’d sent him a link to the site with the poems I was going to perform. I went home and thought about what he had said and so again, I sent him a long email saying that although on the surface they may appear to be knob gags but I still think there is some kind of social commentry in there and I explained exactly why. Suprise, suprise, no reply.
So fuck them all, I thought. What’s the fucking point? That was in March 2005 and I didn’t do anymore comedy or writing or anything until October when a pub in Falkirk where I live had a Stars in the Bar talent competition. I entered this with my poems but I realised that it was just a jazzed up Karoake competition and so I went back the next week to enter again this time as a character called Nob Stewart. The reason for this was twofold, one, I can’t sing so I had to go for the comedy option and two because I had bought a Rod Stewart wig for a works fancy dress party which got cancelled so I wanted to use the wig.
Amazingly I made it through the heat and semi final got to the final of that competition with a comedy song called Suzie Hay building up a small fanbase along the way. I was doing a website design course at the time so I thought I’d build a site for the character. Quite excited by all this I stupidly thought about doing one of Absolute Arsehole’s gong shows again. Thinking they would be fair and above board and that if I did do the 5 minutes perhaps I may even get a chance of a proper gig sometime. Whoo!!
I turned up at the gong show when the prize was £100 on the night. I had a cd to play the backing track for Suzie Hay. It had got a few laughs at Stars in the Bar, I thought a comedy audience would enjoy it also. But, the club didn’t have the facility to play a cd, you had to have an mp3 player. So Absolute Arsehole suggests doing an accuppella version of it. As I had no other prepared material, so I said “Fine, I’ll give it a go.” Then Absolute Arsehole went on stage before me and then tried to sing a song Accuppella style. What a titbag.
I went ahead and tried but was gonged out after about a minute, fair enough. Or was it? Becuase if you read my rant to Absolute Arsehole further down the page you will see that after my next gig there an audience member told me at this first gig, that he had a card, he didn’t want to put up but was instructed to do so. By the way, at the end of the night, I made a point of shaking Absolute Arsehole’s hand and saying “Thanks for having me.”
In between this and my next gig I completed the first stage of my website and done a presentation to the class. Which you can view below.
Introduction
And last but by no means least. Nob Stewart. A barnstorming and unique performance that will be remembered for a long long time. Nob, the weird illegitimate child of Scotland. Part Rod Stewart, part Tennants, Part haggis and all abuse! Everyone was rolling in the isles for his performance, more stand-up than presentation. Truly a great talent and one to keep an eye out for. My favourite part of his show? His description of his key milestones “My first milestone was getting Stef to do my design, my second milestone was getting Roan to do my code”. Priceless.
I was going to enter the gong show again anyway and this time bring my mp3 player along for backing music so when the GRAND gong show came up I entered that. The prize for this would be £1000. You had to qualify from a heat to make it to the final. I emailed the compere, Mr Gayboy, several times to make sure I would bring along the right leads and to finalise the date. I even said, I’m not sure whether or not a song will work so I’ll try the song and if that gets gonged I’ll come back the following week and try out some material or poetry. Fine.
(Let me just state here just in case there is any confusion about why I call him Gayboy just in case you think I’m homophobic or any of that pish. I have known Gayboy for quite some time. I trust he knows I mean no real harm by it. The first time I refered to him as Gayboy was on my first post on the Chortle board which you can read below. I said “Nae offence Gayboy…blah, blah, blah”.
I liked the contradictory nature of this statement and it was meant as a term of endearment believe it or not. Also, a large part of his act consists of his homosexuality and therefore I thought it was fair play. Also, I hate political correctness, all this nicey, nicey pish. I think it’s time humanity got REAL and have a look at its collective shadow so we can move on. I believe I put my thoughts on this best in my poem Duality or Love which you can read in the Lyrics section. OK? BUT I do understand that our universe is made of language and the use of this nickname is probably ill advised. Therefore after this story I will refer to him in any future blog posts as Cocksucker. I trust that clears this one up.)
On the evening of the heat, the crowd was very sparse and I considered doing material but I thought fuck it, they liked the song at Stars in the Bar, I’ll give it a go. But my music didn’t start when I was introduced even though I’d walked Mr Gayboy through the procedure three times times beforehand. You just can’t get the staff these days. So I was at the side of the stage waiting for it and Absolute Arsehole starts shouting ‘Gong’, ‘Gong’. This is before I’m even on the fucking stage!!!!
Now, call me old fashioned but is the organiser and promoter of a Gong Show, especially where there is a prize of a £1000 up for grabs, supposed to shout Gong before and repeatedly through someones set? And then what that wasn’t adhered to, is he then suppossed to hit a glass until the audience or whoever had the fucking card got the message. You can hear all this quite clearly on the video below.
The Grand Gong Show Heat
It then turned out I had somehow qualified for the final and I shouted out,”stick your final up yer fucking arse.” Or something close to that as I was too angry to get the words out properly. I’d also asked a fellow performer that evening to video me but as you can see he done a shit job and cut me off as soon as the gong went thus missing the bit at the end where I got a few laughs for calling Arsehole a cunt or something like that. Funnily enough he was standing beside Absolute Arsehole at the time. Which is good because it caught his fucking ‘Gong’ patter very clearly.
I then sat on a chair and Absolute Arsehole who was sitting about 5 feet away, said “Smile”, to which I replied “You move about 15 feet over there and I’ll start fucking smiling”
He then said something like “You got through to the final what are you bothered about?”
I said “I didn’t think it was right for a comedy promoter to shout Gong all the way through an act.”
He said “I have just arrived and I do it all the time, ask anyone. Scotland on Sunday called this a Gladiatorial Arena. That’s the atmosphere we are trying to create here.”
I said “Fine, I doubt you shout Gong as much for anyone else though as you do me, but what really got my back up was the fact you came onto Chortle as a respected promoter last year and you dissed my work. Even though I may have actually agreed with what you said, you didn’t need to say it.”
He knew he was losing that argument so he said “Fine, 2 weeks time, £1000 is up for grabs and I’m going to be really nasty” and he walked away. Thus giving him the illusion that he was still in control of the situation. Like all good manipulators he needs that feeling.
Now I am a Libran the sign of balance so I hate disharmony. As I was walking out I saw him about to leave so I waited for him to shake his hand so as not to leave on a bad note. He didn’t come out as he was talking to some people so I went home. On the way home, something inside me cracked. I think we invite oppressors into our lives to teach us things. As soon as we take back our power we can break the cycle. I have let people walk over me in the past but he had suddenly gave me a focus in my life which is to bring him to his fucking knees.
When I got home I wrote a poem and posted a photo in my Blog on my Nob Stewart website entitled Absolute Arsehole and his Gong Thingy. I then went onto the Chortle forum and posted this about the Gong Show under my Nob Stewart name.
Nob Stewart wrote:
Dinnae go, it’s pish.
Once ye start spotting some bullshit, ye start spotting it all.
By the way, nae offence Gayboy, it’s that Absolute Arsehole I’m having a go at.
Fuckin’ bawbag!!!
I had also posted this photo of my slaying Absolute Arsehole with a little poem.
He disnae ken’ who I am and my options are plenty
He thinks he’s the man, the game’s sole survivor
I think he’s a prick and not worth a fiver
He’s a fuckwit with nae rhyme or reason
His apples are plums and he’s never in season
Do you know who he is? Is he a bawbag?
Because he hangs around with a big fucking fag
He threatened me once, I laughed in his face
But he is so ignorant that he thought it was mace
I am a dreamer with a golden plan
He is a grinder with a fake golden tan
Absolute Arsehole done his best to hurt Nob
By squeezing him with his big fucking gob
What is this nuisance? Nob was heard to declare
I can’t get the shit stains out of my hair
In the morning he replied on the forum
Absolute Arsehole wrote:
BTW That’s me he’s having a go at.
Billy you got through to the final – what you complaining about?
Be funny or get to the back of a very long queue.
Now up until this point, I wasn’t going to say anything about anything on Chortle about what had happened the previous night but hopefully you can tell from what I’ve wrote so far why I had to respond as I did.
Nob Stewart wrote:
Ok bawbag, I’ll tell you what I’m complaining about.
I’m sick to fucking death of you and the likes of you. You make me sick, do you understand me? Do you think because you think you’re some hot shot promoter that I have to take shit from you? Who do you think you are, you fucking maggot. Get to the back of who’s queue? Your queue? Don’t make me fucking laugh. I’m going to crush you and everything you stand for you fucking scumbag. I’ve got so much hate stored up inside of me and I’m going to make you the focal point for it’s release. I will not rest until you take your own fucking life, not that that’s worth anything.
You are trying to tell me to be funny. Take a look at my website with an objective mind cuntface. Can you not see that it spells T.A.L.E.N.T ?
Something you’ll never understand because you don’t have any and you could never come close to licking the shit of my boots. Do you think I’m jumping through hoops because I got through to your shitty wee gong show final. I left an extremely well paid job because I have personal integrity (again, somthing you don’t know the fucking meaning of), do you think you can bribe me to be quiet cause I may have a chance of winning a thousand pound? Wrong!! I don’t give a shit about money. I care about decency, truth, love and other such values that you need to look up in a fucking dictionary.
Who else is in on your fucking little game? When I was getting changed in the toilet an audience member explained to me that the last time I was in your pathetic little club that he was holding one of the cards and he was instructed to put it up against me even though he didn’t want to. I know you want to see me fail, that’s because you’re jealous. You are green with fucking envy, bawbag, and I haven’t even fucking started yet.
I also gave one of your cohorts my camcorder to film myself last night and funny how it stopped very suddenly after the gong, thus cutting out the last bit of the show. But don’t worry, I have enough discriminating evidence on there to show you up for the Absolute Arsehole you are and I will be posting it on my website soon. You might as well go and have a look because there is a little poem there in you honour as well.
I’ve put up with shit from you and that other fucking prick promoter Sheep Herder once too often. I’d like to thank you both for giving me all the motivation and determination I need to succeed. I’m going to bring you to your FUCKING KNEES, you got me?
Also, while I’m at it Mr Chortle. I put a posting up to my website in the comedy you made section. For some reason this was removed. I sent you an email to ask why and I got no reply. But don’t worry 47 other people viewed it before it was removed and none of them replied either so I’m fucking used to it. You’re all a bunch of cocksucking motherfucking arselicking smelly wankers.
But hey, at least I’m in the final, eh? I’ll see you on the 30th. Oh and by the way folks, Absolute Arsehole thinks he’s going to be really “nasty” to me for the final, because as the Scotland on Sunday review says it’s a “Gladitorial Arena”. Oooo, help mammy, I’m scared.
Well bawbag, let’s go to fucking war. I’ll show you the meaning of fucking nasty. You’re going to wish you’d never been born. Ha, ha, ha. Thats if I can be bothered turning up that is. I might have some ironing to do.
Get it fucking up ye.
Absolute Arsehole wrote:
(AA put a link here to my blog which had the photo of Bugs and Daffy)
I love what he has done with photoshop. That takes T.A.L.E.N.T.
Nob Stewart wrote:
Fuck you, ya fucking prick. Can’t you see that its the ideas contained in the picture?
1) You see me slaying daffy duck, is what I’m going to do to you. That’s how fucking easy it is.
2) You are a green bawbag with a fag.
3) Your big pal, Bernard (Manning) is also a fag.
(Arsehole promoted Bernards show in Glasgow)
I think my website has more value in it than ‘playing with photoshop’. But you are way too stupid too realise that aren’t you? Or are you trying desperately to cling onto some kind of superior postition because in essence you are a fuckwit with self esteem issues and no wonder, so would I have with a face like yours.
Shut the fuck up NOW, for your own good. Heed my words.
Well, I did warn him, but did he listen? Of couse not, he’s Absolute Arsehole.
Absolute Arsehole wrote:
Yep my face looks terrible cos it is in contortions with laughing too much.
You are wasted on a stage Nob – your rants are sheer genius.
Mr McBean sorry I can’t do the set up for your sell out show tonight, I will be glued to this thread all day instead cos it is fucking hilarious.
Nob Stewart wrote:
Ok, Absolute Arsehole you win. Are you happy?
I bow down before your greatness. You are the man. You are the dude.
You will be able to make your pals sell out show (yes, we all know you are a successful promoter, no need to go on about it), because I’m not going to waste anymore time ‘amusing’ you.
Fuck off and die.
Absolute Arsehole wrote:
Aw, don’t go.
But I was gone. There were quite a few reactions to this by the other so called comedians, not very many of them sympathetic to me, obviously.
So just to ram it up his arse further, I posted the video of the gong show with a small clip at the end, where I confronted him in a rather direct manner shall we say and I also put a photo of his compere Mr Gayboy shafting him up the arse and another wee poem of what I was going to do to him.
Destroying goodwill and being a maggot
Just like the slaves he licks his own bum
While sucking the balls of his home-coming mum
His time has come and ceased to be
The future is now can’t you all see?
The Nob takes smelly shit no more
He has evolved beyond the factory floor
So let’s go to war, this will be fun
And in the meantime he’ll watch his profits run
It’s guid for a laugh, even though it’s not funny
He is only doing it to make fucking money
Apparently Absolute Arsehole really liked this as he posted the photo direct onto the Chortle board with a link to the video as well telling people not to miss my spoken bit at the end, which unfortunately I have since deleted from my computer.
I didn’t know what was going on in the circles of Scottish comedy and so as I like to stay one step ahead of the game, I thought I’d phone Absolute Arsehole to see what the score was. He was really nice to me. He said “What you are doing, is genius. I could go on the Chortle board and destroy you, as you have seen me do to many others but I am enjoying this one way too much. They had 60 people at the last gong show because of the publicity you generated. Have you seen how many hits this thread has got?”
I said I hadn’t noticed as I don’t pay much attention to things like that and I also said I was thinking about pulling out of the competition (I was bluffing), but he said that “You had better be there.” Oh and I asked him if he understood why I said what I said and he laughed and read from the poem “Yeah, because I’m a maggot etc” So we left the phone call the best of pals. (Ok, slight exaggeration but on my part I had no animosity).
At this point I’m thinking that, ah this is good for a laugh, he’s not bothered I’ll go and face the music. I figured that there would be no point preparing any material or attempting a song as he did promise he was going to be especially nasty. Do I expect anything else from that Bawbag? No.
All this hoo-haa was causing my nerves to become frayed so I was having the odd joint from time to time. I went into the garage to record my thoughts and I have these on video. I may post these on my site, I’ve not decided yet. I also, said fuck it, there is no way I’m going to win this thing I might as well get smashed and enjoy it. Which I did. I do slightly regret not staying straight and being professional but as I say, would there have been much point anyway? I don’t know. From what he said to me afterwards, I don’t think so.
The Taunting of Absolute Arsehole – Part One
There was a total of 2 weeks between my heat and the whole fiasco kicking off on the Chortle board and the Final. I recorded this about 4 days into that time span. I’ve broke it down into 3 parts but is essentialy one take.
The Grand Gong Show Final
On my way into the building I was met by Absolute Arsehole. I started talking to him to ask him about the gig, running order etc but he said he was in the middle of a private converstation with Mr McBean and I should go inside and by they way I was getting it ‘big time’ tonight. I think he still wanted that control thing over me. Pathetic little man, that he is.
Well, I was last out the hat, surprise, surprise. I have to say that they did give me a good build up, by telling the story of how I had apparently terrorised the whole event etc and passing copies of the photo about everywhere. Again, if I was straight and prepared I maybe could have turned the situation to my advantage, and probably should have. The thing is, I didn’t want to slaughter Absolute Arsehole publicly, well not anymore that is. There are bigger things in life to worry about and he’s basically not worth the paper I wiped my arse with this morning. In retrospect though I should have chewed his balls up for arsepaper.
If you notice on the video below, he still upset me with his ‘Gong’ pish. Which, by the way, he never done to any other act on the night, I was listening. I was getting ready to start talking but when he said Gong straight after I said “Hello”, I felt I had to option but to respond and so I dug a bit of a hole. Everyone was expecting me to go mental at Absolute Arsehole but one thing you should know about me is that I never do what is expected of me, so instead I started to beg, “Please love me etc”. I’m not sure if this was funny or pathetic, probably the latter. I would have continued but the audience were asking for jokes. At this point I should have went into material but wrongly chose to do the Itchy Willy poem that went down alright elsewhere. Unfortunately it’s not until the fourth verse that the first laugh out line comes in…and I got gonged after the third verse. So I told the audience I loved them and handed the mic to Gayboy.
They never expected to get the microphone off me so easily at the end either. Gayboy commented on this and at this point I could sense that the night may have been a bit of a letdown after the big build up. So I went to try and get on stage again. Absolute Arsehole appears with his gong, so we all have a pretend fight. Gayboy, said “Away back to Falkirk, we’ve had our fun” Ok Gayboy, fine. You live by the sword, you die by the sword. Comprendo? Absolute Arsehole says you and your female compere friend are the next Richard and Judy or Will and Grace. Well, all I can say is he’s not wrong there. I wouldn’t pish on them if they were on fire also.
Absolute Arsehole then removed my wig which rather upset me. In fact, it’s one of the reasons I’m writing this. If he wants to demask me, I’ll demask him. Seems fair enough to me. Fucking wanker.
As someone mentioned on the Chortle board, I am a bit like Samson (I prefer Tina Turner) and I can’t perform without my hair. So I left the stage. The female compere said “Well done, Nob” and as the video comes to an end you can here Absolute Arsehole say, “Aye, his knob should be well done, on a fucking barbeque”. Nice one, bawbag, I’ll give you that one.
What you don’t see on the video and this is of no fault to the comedian who filmed it for me because my act had finished, but what you don’t see is that when the winner, The Wee Man was getting his thousand pounds he said “I’ll give Nob Stewart £100 if he punches Absolute Arsehole properly.” Of course the cries of “No, no” went up from Arsehole and Gayboy as they don’t want my name mentioned anymore than was necessary. But I had my hair back by this time so I came up to the side of the stage and said “Hey, I’ll do it for a fiver”, which got a big laugh. I thought Arsehole would be happy with this as it gave the night and the gig and indeed the whole Gong Show a good laugh to finish on. Yes, I am very naive.
The Grand Gong Show Final
Well, that’s good, I assume this isn’t interesting him either then. See, if he’d shook my hand I wouldn’t have gave two tits if he ever booked me again, I could accept that. It’s the two faced arrogance of the prick that has forced me into giving my version of the story in full. It’s more than likely he couldn’t give a shit about me and so fucking what? Do I care? I think not.
So that was that. I got home and wrote on the Chortle board..
Nob Stewart wrote:
Ah telt ye’s no tae go. It was pish and so was I.
Well done tae the Wee Man though. Thoroughly deserved. Congratulations.
I made the fatal mistake of smoking a joint at 3 o’clock this afternoon and another at 7 o’clock and yet another BIG one before the gig.
A word of advice, if you’re going to smoke 3 joints and go on a comedy stage and ‘wing it’, it might be a guid idea to have some prepared material ready in case it all goes tits up. Which indeed it did. Oh well, you live and learn.
Let me explain my side of this fiasco in case any of you were wondering what made me so angry. I suppose I’m not unlike most of you when I say, I just want to be heard. I just want a fair crack at the whip. Sometimes you talk to your husband or wife and they have no idea what you mean and it makes you angry.
Of course nothing gives me the right to get your undeserved attention and I apologise for my lack of professionalism tonight. I guess I just wanted to somehow make the point that money is not what motivates me. I hate the way that money dictates EVERYTHING on this planet and not enough merit is placed on values like love and sharing and peace.
I suppose a lot of you may have been expecting me to go crazy at AA because I was angry a couple of weeks ago. Basically I was having a laugh when posting poems and pictures and I trust you lot were too. Once I had got it off my chest it felt better. And I moved on. So I was under a bit of pressure to recreate that anger tonight and basically I was a confused lost stoned geezer oot there. I should have had a plan.
One thing that did annoy me a little though was when at the end of the night I went to shake AA’s hand and he turned it down. Well, we are all trying our best in this world to get by and that’s the attitude that sometimes gets my back up, as happens from time to time.
I shook the Gayboy’s hand though, nae problem there Big Man.
I realise this may be taken in the wrong way but also that many of you do not give a fuck, and that’s cool. I’ll be posting some videos to my site of my thoughts in the garage leading up to the big letdown….and of course a video of the letdown itself. Of course, taking nothing away fae the Wee Man, goan yerself wee man.
Goodnight folks, take it easy,
Nob
P.S I know you won’t anyway but don’t feel sorry for me. Things like this happen to me all the time. I have a self destruct button somewhere I need to remove and pronto tonto. Or who knows maybe tonight went well in some strange sick kind of way. I’ve watched Phil Kay get on stage and talk pish for hours and get away with it, why can’t I? I just want a chance without the threat of a fucking Gong hanging over my head. I hate fucking Gong shows. I was that desperate for a gig I seen it as my only option. I’d also been reading a lot of Jello Biafra about becoming the media and I thought I’d give it a go. I’m a big admirer of that geezer The Comedy Terrorist. I’ve done good gigs in the past, I can do them again, stoned or straight, I’ll let you decide, please, please, love me, love me, I’m good, If I’m not good I’m bad. It’s that good.
Sometimes in life I push the send button. Tonight was another example.
So Ladies and Gentlemen, where does that leave me? Well, frozen out of comedy again, so no great change there. I’ll tell you what this has done though. It has made me get focused. I have given up smoking the weed and drinking and I’m going to really go to work. As I explained at the start, shite rules these days and I’ve had enough.
I’m not saying I am the funniest or the greatest thing since sliced bread. All I’m saying is, ok, maybe I made mistakes in the past. Were they all my fault? I done about two hundred gigs so I must have been doing something right. Arsehole and the Sheep Herder would never talk to me or give me tips how to improve or any feedback whatsoever, they just blanked me.
So I went away and worked at things and came back hoping that I could demonstrate I at least have some talent and maybe earn the right for a 10 minute gig sometime. But no. THEY don’t want me. You know why? I think it’s because I’m dangerous. Yes, a loose cannon. They all bleat on that they love Bill Hicks etc but if you get someone with the same dangerous attitude that they can’t control they don’t like it. They want pale imatators to keep the standards as low as possible because if people see how shite their clubs really are, no-one would come. Yep, money rules. By the way, maybe that is a bit low because there are a lot of good acts out there and both promoters do book them. It’s all the shite in between I’m talking about.
During the Gong Show, Absolute Arsehole proudly announces that The Hobbit, (who I have no grievance against personally, indeed I was dancing with him for about 10 minutes prior to us going on stage, but who Arsehole refered to as ‘care in the community’) gets a 10 minute gig at Blackfriars this Saturday. Whahay. And good luck to him. But I don’t even get a hand shake. Do you not think from the evidence on this site that maybe, just maybe I should get an open spot sometime? Christ I’m not asking for much.
But anyway, fat chance of that. So FUCK comedy if that’s what comedy is. It’s fucking SHITE!
All I wanted from the start was to sing my wee song without the fucking promoter, who knew I was coming beforehand, shouting fucking Gong at me (BEFORE I even got on the stage as well as during my act!!!) and more importantly telling the card holders in the audience to put their fucking cards up!! The mind boggles.
So now I’m going to do my own thing, as was probably God’s plan all along.
Oh and Absolute Arsehole, let me just say this, take care, I wish you all the best, at the end of the day you’re probably right, I’m not really a comedian but at least I’m not you, you fucking scumbag piece of shit.
I then posted this photo of me committing suicide and admitting that Absolute Arsehole won the war.
I tried my very best
Some thought I was a madman
But it was all in jest
Unloved and under appreciated
That was the story of my life
So I’m going to kill myself
I’m sick of playing Lot’s wife
Goodbye to one and all
Absolute Arsehole won the war
Just be sure to pick my brains up
From the Comedy Store
What will you do without me?
Are you happy now I’m gone?
You made me feel about as welcome
As a dead Russian Swan
But fear not my fellow travelers
Even Jesus had to die to be reborn
Good can come from evil
And there is no time to mourn
Cheers
1 Week Later Update
On the Chortle board, perhaps to try and placate me Absolute Arsehole gave a review of Nob Stewart which read:-
A fucking pshyco – seriously warped in the heid.
Well, I have to say that’s certainly the most perceptive thing he has said about me. Well done AA. Then he said:
But great entertainment value when only given 2 minutes.
Grovelling will get you nowhere with me I’m afraid Arsehole. Don’t worry though, as long as you keep your big fucking gob shut as far as I’m concerned I’m nearly finished with you.
Somebody else also put a message up on Chortle saying they were looking for a comedian for a show in Falkirk. Someone replied that ‘Nob Stewart’ lives in Falkirk. I replied:-
Yeah, but I’m not a fucking comedian.
I thought this was hilarious. Fuck those tossbags.
Well, not long after Nobs demise he was reborn as my good self. I decided to speak out on Nobs behalf and put the lid on the whole sorry scenario of his short life.
Here is my 10 minute Rant which is perhaps the Gig Nob should have performed at the Gong Show Final. I should warn you though that it is not really that funny, it is really just him venting my spleen and summarising what I have wrote here. Although I have to say I did get a good response from the audience on the night with a few of them coming up to me afterwards to say how much they enjoyed it, I guess folks just like honest emotions.
Update August 2007
I decided to make my peace with Absolute Arsehole so I went along to the first of his heats for the Scottish Comedian of the Year competition in South Queensferry (my hometown from the age of 3 until 17). After how I was treated at the Gong Show obviously I didn’t enter the competition and I wasn’t sure if I would have been welcome anyway but as a paying customer I didn’t think there would be a problem and fair due to Arsehole as when he saw me he came up to me and shook my hand and said “Good to see you”. Maybe we both learned something from the whole fiasco.
I enjoyed the night very much. There was quite a high standard of acts with my friend Rowan Campbell winning the heat. Special mention to Martin McAllister though who I thought was absolutly superb and deserved to make the final also. Jeff O’Boyle was very good too.
A couple of days later I was on my way to film an American comedian called Tony Woods who was playing at The Green Room during the Festival and I bumped into Arsehole and Gayboy. I could have walked past them without them seeing me but I thought I’d say hello. I gave them a shout and crossed the street for a chat.
I couldn’t believe the words that came out my mouth next. I actually apologised for well, the above basically. I said “Sorry for, eh….” Well, I couldn’t finish the sentance as I couldn’t put it into words but Arsehole and Gayboy made a joke of it anyway. Again, fair play to them.
Arsehole asked me what I thought of the heat and I said it was very good and I also said I was impressed by his backdrops and the fact there was a professional camera crew there. I said he has obviously notched his business up a level or two, what with the improved website also. He said thanks.
Then he said me “Why didn’t I enter the competition?” and he asked it as if I was almost expected to. If I could have thought quick enough I would have said, “Last time I spoke to you you refused to shake my hand and told me that you would never put me in one of your clubs and you are not interested in anything I do and also I’m not a fucking comedian” but instead I said “well, I don’t live in Scotland at present and so wouldn’t be able to make the final (if indeed I qualified).
So I thought I’d hit him with an equally absurd statement back. I said “I see you are recruiting a Stage Manager…..” Notice I didn’t actually ask for the job I was just going to start talking about it. He said, “No.”
I said, “No, what?”
He said, “No, I couldn’t work with you. People have applied who are far more qualified than you.” So I said “Fair enough.”
Just ‘keep them on their toes and guessing at the inner workings of my strange mind’ thats my motto.
So we wished each other all the best and parted the best of friends….well, sort of. Neither of us expecting to see each other again.
Now this is where this story gets interesting. As it turns out the venue wouldn’t let me video Tony Woods so I asked him if I could interview him and he said “No problem we’ll do it after the show.”
So after the show Tony says “Come with me.” and takes me to Andrew Maxwells Fullmooners where unbeknown to me he was performing along with Jim Jeffries and Steve Hughes.
As we approached the backstage area I noticed Arsehole and Gayboy were there. The look on Arseholes face as I approached with Tony was a picture of classic proportions. Tony starts talking to Arsehole and although I can’t be sure I picked up that Arsehole starting bad mouthing me a bit. Fair enough I suppose, maybe I am a psycho. I had a wee chat and a laugh with Gayboy about the fact that ex World Champion Boxer Scott Harrison threatened to punch his lights out at a nightclub just because he used to be a journalist 4 years ago and then I went inside to watch the first half of the show.
At the interval there was a moment of pure genius that will live with me forever. I was sitting on a bench while arsehole was talking to Jim Jeffries and a couple other folks when Patrick Monahan appears. Arsehole then tries to shove his tongue so far up Patricks arse I could only see his trainers sticking out, so as I thought I’d heard Arsehole badmouthed me to Tony, I thought I’d have some fun.
You see, Patrick saw Nob Stewart perform (N0) Big Erection and Porn Addict at last years Festival and became a huge Nob fan. He totally loves Nob. I became his friend and went and even videod his show last year.
So, I walked up behind Patrick while he was talking to Arsehole. Patrick sees me and gives me a big hug. No suprise there though as Patrick would hug a lampost but then he turns to Arsehole and says, really enthusiastically, “Hey, do you know Nob Stewart, do you know Nob Stewart? He’s brilliant.” I just about cracked up on the spot. Arseholes face was a fucking peach of even more classic proportions. “Know him? He’s a fucking psycho. He threatened to kill me.” Well, at least arsehole was upfront about his disdain for me.
I turned to Gayboy and said “That was quite funny wasn’t it?” He said “Well, what do you expect if you send Al-Qaeda type videos. It’s bound to come out sometime.”
I didn’t say it, but I thought, ‘No, you don’t get it, the jokes on Arsehole.’
Then Patrick starts saying “Hey Nob, you coming into the backstage area with us.” At this point Arsehole is practically going apeshit, “No, no. Don’t let him in, he’s a psycho.” Patrick said,”Ah, he’s alright now though.” I said, “Actually Patrick, it’s ok, Tony Woods got me into the show.”
At this point Arsehole and Gayboy drift off into the night and I’m left reeling at the magic that has just transpired. Sometimes life just treats you to little gems to treasure and as I said, I’ll take that one to the grave with me.
As it turns out I didn’t get around to interviewing Tony but I did get an invite to goto Patricks show the next night, which I did video and will be posting on this site at a future date.
Cheers
P.S If you are reading this Arsehole, I trust you understand why I had to finish this little story and I guess its best we don’t talk to each other in future as I obviously can’t be trusted to keep my mouth shut either.
I did actually contempate deleting this story and videos from my site, in fact I did for nearly a year but a few people asked me to put it up again so I have. In actual fact it probably shows me in a worse light than you but hey, what the hell. Shit happens. And as you said to me on the phone that time, “It’s just entertainment.”
Update – August 2010.
Incredibly there is still more to tell. Here is a video that tells of the meeting of Arsehole and Nob in Edinburgh 2010. Basically Arsehole saved me from getting arrested but he was still a cunt about it.
Cheers!
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