So a’ got oot ae bed
It had been aboot an hoor an’ a half
A’d been haudin’ that turtle’s heed
A’ took twa steps towards the door
A’ could hear the turtle’s cries
Please get me oot ae here
Afore yin ae us dies
A’ had tae hurry an’ clench ma cheeks
Faith wiz aw a’ had
If a’ could make it tae the pan in time
A’d be eternally glad tae unglue
Fae the World’s Biggest Poo
A’ really wished ma underpants
Were reinforced
Cause a’ thought me an’ turtle
Would tae soon be divorced
A’ made it tae the bedroom door
Wi’ a haste that wiz hard tae match
If only a’ could figure oot
Hoo tae undo the big steel latch
Blind panic wiz settin’ in
As a’ fiddled wi’ it in the dark
Nae time tae pit the licht on
Turtle was startin’ tae bark, an’ turn into
The World’s Biggest Poo
Eventually a’ grabbed su’hin’
An’ battered that latch tae hell
A’ jist hope the wife doesnae want
Tae use her dildo fur a spell
A’ sprinted along the corridor
In minute baby strides
If a’ had taken a slightly larger step
A’d hae tae deal wi’ ma arse insides
A’ couldnae believe it when a’ got tae the bog
Ma son wiz sittin’ in there
A’ said, “This is an emergency’
Get yer arse up aff ma chair, or ye’ll get a view
Ae The World’s Biggest Poo”
But ye ken whit teenagers are like
He telt me tae get lost
A’ said “We’ll talk aboot this later
A’ dinnae like bein’ double crossed”
The turtle wiz makin’ it clear
He had an urgent exit plan
Had tae find a place tae dump him
Afore the shit hit the fan
A’ turned aroond an’ saw the pot
Ae ma wife’s favourite plant
The question wiz, wiz it worth it
Tae listen tae her rant an’ tae spew
Aboot The World’s Biggest Poo
A’ decided a’d rather shit masel
Than tae deal wi’ her female rage
Fur if she foond ma turtle in there
A’ dinnae‘hink that a’d see auld age
A’ ken that a’ didnae hae time
Tae take the lift or the stairs
So a’ couldnae even go tae the garden
An’ bare ma ass-cheek hairs
There wiz only yin place left
An’ that wiz the kitchen sink
So a’ stood on a wobbily chair
An’ prepared fur the stink ae the brew
Ae the World’s Biggest Poo
The turtle’s head it fully popped oot
But the shell it had got stuck
It wiz noo goin’ beyond an emergency
Isnae that jist ma luck?
So a’ had tae squeeze wi’ all ma micht
Tae get the rest ae the creature oot
Jist then ma wife an’ son appeared
An’ both gave a big large shout
“What the hell are you dain?
With your arse over the sink?”
They both said in unison
That a’ need tae see a shrink, an’ they flew
Fae the World’s Biggest Poo
A’ couldnae believe they would leave me
In ma hour ae need
As a’ started tae evict the beast
Bathe ma eyes began tae bleed
A’ pushed an’ pushed wi’ aw ae ma force
It felt like a bowlin’ ball
It wiz only then that a’ realised
That the sink wiz way tae small
As it began tae overflow
A’ had tae laugh
A’ shouldnae hae used the kitchen sink
A’ should hae used the bath, tae push through
The World’s Biggest Poo!
After aboot a couple ae hours
Ae me squatin’ on that chair
Ma wife returned tae the kitchen
Ye should hae seen her glare
She couldnae believe that yin man
Could expel that much shit
Tae be honest a’ also didnae ken
Whit tae make ae it
A’ decided tae take some pictures
Ae the ‘beached turtle’
A’ heard back no’ long aftir it
Wiz noo the official new….
World’s Biggest Poo!
Cheers!
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