Internet Wanking

So this is the material that got me banned from The Stand Comedy Club once and for all. I had been banned a couple of times previously but managed to sneak my way back in but after I performed this set, as the Great White Shaft, apparently some people complained saying that it was misogynist and granted they may have a point.

I was just talking from my perspective and meant no disrespect to anyone, but with that performance I kissed goodbye to getting any more gigs there. Maybe I just wasn’t funny enough. The material went down well a couple of days previously with a University crowd so I was a bit confused.

Such is life. The same thing happened during my Edinburgh Show. I am thinking of one reviewer in particular as well as several women who walked out as soon as I mentioned my wife’s hairy pussy. Maybe I was being a bit insensitive which is why I am considering hitting comedy on the head, at least performing live. At least on the internet you can always hit the stop button and I’m none the wiser. 🙂

I’m going to talk about Technology. You know, because everybody says technology is a great thing, don’t they?

They say “Oh you’ve got to keep up to date with technology, no questions asked, otherwise you’ll get left behind”

“Aye, is that right? Left behind where exactly? Planet Earth?

Is Apple about to launch an iUFO?

And all the Nerds are going to speed off to a Galaxy far far away?

The further away the fucking better.

Cause I just don’t like talking to someone when they’re more interested in their mobile phone.

I feel like grabbing them by the throat and saying “You look at that phone again and I will ram it so far up your arse next time it rings you will think you’ve got Titinus.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that technology has done some great things for mankind… like those Dancing Coca-Cola cans.

Remember them? They were brilliant, eh? I loved those. Technology, where would we be without it? Paradise probably.

Cause I think that there is a down side to technology that nobody ever talks about.

For instance I recently I relented and bought a fucking computer.

Mainly because every time I try to get a birds phone number she tells me to facebook her.

Instead of just agreeing to go on a date right there and then she wants to check my past history out to see how much of an arsehole I am.

In the old days I would have got a few shags under my belt before she came to that conclusion. Granted she’s not missing out on much but my sex life has plumeted.

The first time a’ thought that the woman wanted me to slap a book off her face…. but after I got released…..I discovered that it is a website where you gather meaningless acquaintances in a desperate bid to starve off loneliness and maintain the illusion that although you sit in front of your computer 24/7, you are still a social being instead of a hermit.

So I got a computer thinking I could stalk all these drunk women and for that matter their friends. It seemed like the ultimate Win Win. Loads of birds for the price of one.

But now after having had the computer for a few months I can’t find the time to get anything else done in my life, what with all that pornography…I’ve hardly got time to cook my dinner!
I just chuck a pie in the oven then run back to continue my search for the ultimate gangbang picture gallery to ejaculate over.

Why spend the effort chasing real women who probably won’t fuck you in a million light years when you can cut to the chase and live vicariously through guys with BBC’s. That’s Big Black Cocks, in case you were wondering but if you have a computer I am sure you know all the terminology well enough.

I feel so inadequate with ma WWW. Ma Wee White Wille.

It’s just not fair. I would rather be a Slave with a Huge Cock that have a cock like mine and be a comedy superstar. The only reason I am doing this is just to try and make myself more exotic to women.

Wheras Black guys don’t even need tae put any effort in whatsover. Their reputation is enough to get birds hanging off them wherever they go.

It seems like every housewife is desperate to get a black cock the size of a baseball bat rammed up them or else they are not a happy bunny.

So in order just to keep a hold of their wives all these white guys are turning into cuckolds.

They now spend half their lives licking Mr T’s spunk out their wives overstretched fannies. Mind you, the wives probably think it was stretched just fine judging by the smiles on their faces afterwards.

How the fuck is my paddling boat ever going to satisfy a bird once she’s had the QE2 parked in her dock?

It puts me off talking to women all together. I am totally intimidated by my imagination of their demands.

I feel positively deformed….or should that be negatively deformed?

Either way, it’s not fair and when I die the first thing I am going to ask God for is a refund cause I have definitely been short changed……at least compared to those guys with marine vessels in their trousers.

I personally like the amateur gangbangs the best. Because at least with them you know that all parties involved really, really love each other …money is not the main motivating factor…..lack of parental love maybe but not money.

Or maybe they had so much parental love they are 100% comfortable expressing and experimenting with their sexuality and good luck tae them, who am I to judge?

If five birds came up to me and said they would like to fuck me senseless for an hour then I would probably swallow a bottle of Viagra that instant…..cause the mere thought of it is nearly enough to make me instantly blow into my underwear.

The reason I like the amateurs more though is because the professional models just look so fake don’t they?

A women with a huge dollop of Spunk in her mouth trying to smile for the camera. . You can practically hear her thinking “Hurry up and take the photae fur fucks sake. This tastes like salty tripe.”

You know as soon as that picture was taken she spitting into her sperm bucket.

At least if the amateurs have cum in their mouth, you know they’re doing it of their own free will and somehow that makes a difference to the quality of my wank.

I’m a humanist at heart.

The professional model probably tries to justify herself by saying, “Och well, I suppose it’s better than stacking shelves in Tesco’s for £5.50 an hour”

And I suppose she’s got a point, at least this way she’s under no illusions that she’s not getting shafted on a regular basis.

I couldn’t believe it the first time I came across porn on the net… so to speak.

I thought, “Fucking hell, there’s people shagging on my computer screen!!! Check the quality of that!

That photo has extremely high resolution.

You can make out every single hair on that Grannys sweaty Fanny. Superb!

Cause I am also a fan of the GILFs. Grannys I’d Like to Fuck.

There is something about an old women with one foot practically in her grave and yet still enjoying the cock that I find quite endearing.

They look so elated to be getting serviced I don’t even mind if they get paid for it.

Good luck to them cause the Pensions are worth fuck all these days eh?

It’ll help with their winter heating bills and in the summer they can go hog wild on sugared almonds and pear drops.

It’s not as if they have any teeth left to look after.

That could explain why young guys are queuing round the block to fuck them. They are happy to suck on anything, especially purple headed lollipops.

What is it they say, once you’ve had black you never go back?

Well, once you’ve had old, you stick to the mould.

But you see I don’t log on to the internet with the intention of having a wank, although granted I always have some toilet paper handy, just in case.

What I do is, I convince myself that there is some really, really, important thing on the internet that I really, really, need to find out more about.

Like say, for instance the Middle East Crisis.

Then after being sickened by a few pictures of children with their limbs blown off, laying beside their dead family members, I’m like, “Oh my God. What humans do to each other fucking sickens me. I can’t look at that. Oh well, seeing as how I’m logged in, I might as well check out some photos of the perverts who like to eat each others shite!!!”

I feel that’s a step up in the world.

Aye, that’s right, Scatmunchers.com has been bookmarked.

Nah, I am only joking. That is fucking disgusting innit?

Can you believe we live in a world where people not only do that but they take photos and post them on the internet? Christ, is nothing sacred anymore?

What’s next after that? Sexual Cannibalism?

It’ll give a whole new meaning to the the phrase “Eat my pussy”

“Aye sure, you got any salt and pepper? And a steak knife?

Don’t worry, I won’t try to cook it first. I like them rare, the more blood the better.

I just hope it’s a shaved one cause I don’t fancy swallowing a small rug.

You would be gagging for a fortnight.”

But sometimes even for the standard perversions it takes me a while to find what I am looking for. I must have been up about a million porn free dead ends trying to locate some gallery that doesn’t even fucking exist!

I don’t know about you, but when I click on an icon that clearly says anal sex, I expect to see a woman with a cock up her arse…. or at the very least a man with a cock up his.

It wasn’t what I was looking for but at least I couldn’t complain to trade descriptions.

What I don’t need is another page of text with a hundred links that promise the earth and deliver fuck all. I waste enough time looking at porn without 50 wild goose chases every wanking session.

But when I do eventually find a site I can rely upon, to do exactly what it says on the icon, then great, I commence wanking, and in what seems like 5 minutes, but it is actually 3 and a half hours of pure unadulterated genital stimulation later, I eventually cum.

When I was married it was usually just as the wife came home from work demanding to be serviced, right that very instant.

Every day I had the same excuse, “No, sorry sweetheart, not tonight Josephine. My balls are like two dried raisins here, I’ve just shot half the Atlantic Ocean into that empty crisp packet. A troupe of naked Japanese cum sluts couldn’t get my cock hard right now. You’ve got fucking no chance.”

Never mind the fact that my wife just didn’t turn me on anymore.

And it wasn’t due to the fact that since we got married she’d ate far too many cherry pies. And it’s not because she hadn’t shaved her legs for a couple of weeks, or her armpits for a couple of months, or her beard for a couple of years.

No I’m afraid I need to be stimulated a bit more than just “Hurry up, Coronation Street is coming on.”

I now need at least a degree of perversion. Like at least putting Princess Di plastic bag over her head to pretend I was fucking a Royal Corpse.

For the amount of interest she showed during sex she’d as well have been dead.

I guess that’s why I needed to divorce her cause I’m not a necrophiliac.

But it’s true isn’t it? Our perversion level is rising daily. For instance, you know these men’s magazines you get on the top shelf of your local Ethnic minority paper shop, one’s like Escort and Fiesta and Go For It My Son…, well they just don’t cut the mustard now do they?

I think they’re going to need to upgrade their product to keep up with the times, if they want to stay in business, in my humble opinion.

I mean, there is some nice young lady lying there, thinking she’s the bee’s knees, because she’s got her tits and beaver out for the boys, while laying on a car bonnet.

Big fucking Deal. I mean, Whoopee Fucking Doo, I’m supposed to shoot my load over that?

Listen, thanks to the internet, I need to see a cock up her pussy, one up her dungbox and at least 2 within shooting range of her face, before my dick will even think about getting hard. Before it will even entertain the idea.

This is the 21st Century sweetheart, let’s move with the times, eh? Let’s move with the fucking times”.

But see that bloody Internet, it’s ruining my life. I’m addicted to it. Honestly, it’s the truth; a third of my income now goes on toilet paper alone.

I’m actually thinking about taking out shares in Andrex, cause there’s a whole generation of wankers out there and they’re spreading like fucking wildfire.

Do you think people used to masturbate this much in the past? I severely fucking doubt it. Do you think endless masturbation is what made Britain Great?

You know what else I’ve had to do….

You know that wastepaper basket it’s quite handy for me to keep beside the computer? I’ve had to have that taken out…. and replaced with a fucking Wheely Bin!

Even I get slightly embarrassed when the dustmen come to empty out it out and a huge rectangular mass, of rock hard pink bog roll slides out into the truck.

You can hear the machinery wrestle with it…’Jesus Christ, Holy Smoke, this cunts been doing a power of wanking’…. before it spits it back out.

Cause yeah, It’s the story of my fucking life… cause even the dustbin lorry refuses to swallow my cum.

But you know, on a serious note, there is only so much hardcore porn you can look at before it becomes a bit boring, you know, before every picture just starts to look the same as the one before…about 10 hours a day is my absolute limit.

Then for the sake of my sight alone I have to go and check if my pie is ready…

Sometimes without even washing my hands I have to tell you.

Yep, it’s another burnt offering for me that night.

Wanking on a computer screen eh? Who the fuck thought of that one?

It’s like, how to go blind in double quick time.

Soon all the men will look like Woody Allen.

Walking around with big thick spectacles on bumping into each other.

Everyone will be blaming the computer screens though, not a word about all the wanking that’s going on.

Still I suppose it’s better than fucking your common law stepdaughter.

To tell you the truth I’m actually starting to get a bit worried about it all.

Because I’ve personally exhausted all the groupsex galleries and facial cumshot galleries.

And I’ve moved on to Pissing in Public Galleries…well not literally.

But I’m just wondering where it is all going to lead?

Maybe you’ll see me in 6 months time and I’ll be wearing a silver jump suit and asking you all if you want to be in my gang, my gang, my gang? Do you want to be in my Gang, oh yeah?
That’s because I’d been looking at child porn not because I’ve been involved with the molesting of pre-pubescent girls…I mean, I’m assuming there is a line but how do you know?

Maybe Gary Glitter started off just wanking over a Hustler. If you ask me Larry Flynt’s got a lot to answer for.

Cause I actually hate pornography. I hate pornography more than any person in the world. Probably cause I spend more time staring at it than anyone else in the world.

I often wonder what my Granny up in heaven thinks, as she looks down on me wanking my life away.

I think she would understand that it is probably just an expression of the deep craving I have for more love and excitement in my life at least I hope she would be thinking that.
I hope she’s not up there panicking that I will soon find her on whengilfmeetsblack.com. Cause believe me that would put me off porn for life.

Maybe that’s what I need to cure myself from these perverted addictions cause the computer would be straight in the bin if a’ saw ma Gran doin’ a triple entry.

Yet some people hide cameras in their grans bedroom and then post the videos of her getting team tagged online for the world to see. Maybe I have still got a while to go before I scrape the bottom of the barrel.

At least I don’t do that, I just watch the results….while abstaining myself from all responsibility.

Cheers!