That ye end up really, really, really hatin’ yersel?
A’ dinnae mean ‘hings like getting married…or havin’ kids
A’ mean su’hin specific, that made ye wish ye were in hell
A’ recently damaged ma ankle ligaments playin fitba
Aftir jumpin’ up fur a header an’ landin’ on a wobbily foot
A’ didnae hate masel fur that, it wiz just an accident
But fur whit a’ ended up dain, a’ wanted tae masel shoot
A’ wiz due tae go on a double stag weekend tae Amsterdam
Wi’ the boys aboot four weeks later which a’ couldnae defer
Technically when ye are aff an’ collectin’ sick pay fae the work
Goin’ on the piss up foreign countries they kind ae officially deter
A’ could jist aboot walk fae my livin’ room tae ma kitchen
When the bus came tae pick me up a’ done su’hin insane
A’ decided tae leave ma crutches in the hoose wi’ ma wife
Obviously a’ wiznae in naewhere near enough pain
A’ didnae ‘hink a’d be dain’ that much walkin in the ‘Dam
As a’ planned on bein rooted tae the spot in some coffeeshop
A’ neglected tae consider that a’ still needed tae walk tae get there
An’ that that would be majorly difficult wi’oot a sufficient prop
See by the time a’d waked fae the mini-bus tae the Airport Terminal
A’ really, really fucking hated masel tae the ultimate degree
At that point a’ should hae realized that a’d made a terrible mistake
An’ went back hame faster than a car at the Grand Prix
But oh no, a’ thought a’d triumph in the face of adversity…bollocks
A’ spent the next three days wishin’ the grood would swallae me
Every step was like a dagger getting shoved through my ankle
A’ would ae preferred a three day long constant whitey
A’ couldnae even walk doon the side alleys in the red licht district
Fur a good squawk at the ladies ae the nicht, temptin’ ye fur fun
Instead a’ jist sat by the canal asking aw the passers by
If they kent where a’ could find…a loaded fuckin’ gun
Whit made it worse, if it could indeed get any worse
Wiz the fact that a’d only brought loud psychedelic clothes
A’ wiz hobblin’ aroond in a rainbow shirt and pajama like troosers
The only way tae bring mare attention would be if ma willy a’ did expose
Ma inner dialogue wiz like, ‘Yer a fucking moron! An absolute tit
Why the fuck didnae ye bring yer crutches…and some plain attire?’
Ae course, the dope didnae help ma mental state much
Talk aboot oot ae the fryin’ pan intae the paranoid fire
Ye ken those really dodgy Dam guys whae offer ye hard drugs?
Like whizz, charlie and doves, tae make sure ye arenae stressed
Well, they were comin’ up tae me an’ offerin’ me a Collie Buckie!
Three free hits ae ecstacy only brought me up tae mildly depressed
Yin ae ma friends felt so sorry fur me he gave me a special treat
He got a hot tabletop dancer tae pour me a very special Tequila
She poured the salt aw ower her ‘Sam Fox’ like beautiful breasts
An’ the lemon went between the lips of this incredibly sexy Sheila
A’ dooned the shot quicker than a man whae had jist seen an oasis
She beckoned me doon tae lick the salt an’ a’ didnae leave a grain
Well a’ did leave yin or twa dotted around her supple pillows
But that wiz only so a’ could go back ower them aw again
Then a’ sucked that lemon dry as she held it in her lips
A’ didnae want that sad magical moment tae ever stop
See for the next fifteen minutes a’ forgot aw aboot ma ankle
As a’ done a highland fling masel, on the Teasers tabletop
See by the time a’ got hame, ma ankle resembled a Watermelon
If a’ ever find masel in a similar situation, a’ would take the sticks
Cause noo a’ walk wi’ a limp an’ although the therapy is goin’ well
It’s ma brain, that the doctors say, that they’ll never be able tae fix
Cheers the noo!
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