I woke up today with a feeling of dread
My boy was at home and he wants me dead
Before I can come around
He leaps three feet of the ground
Then lands directly on top of my head
He then uses my chest as a musical gong
He batters and hammers it all day long
Every time I tell him to stop
He answers me with a karate chop
For his age his knee to the groin is quite strong
I beg for mercy from his infant wrath
He goes into a rage when it is time for his bath
Getting his clothes off is a major feat
Every night one of us greet
Apparently one day I will look back and laugh
But in the meantime, he plays with his Daddy
Who gets knackered quickly because he is flabby
Sometimes I vent my spleen
When he uses my belly as a trampoline
Then the wife accuses me of being crabby
So I spend most of the day in my room
With the door locked so I can properly fume
I am a prisoner in my own home
The folks I live with make me foam
That is the price you pay for becoming a groom
I didn’t even agree to have a child
When I said ‘no’, my wife just smiled
So now I have to pay the price
She didn’t listen to my advice
My family’s genes are known to be wild
I am not looking forward to him growing up
He is torture just now and he’s only a pup
If he turns out anything like me
Or his mother the wailing banshee
There may be lengthy droughts in my loving cup
Cheers!
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