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Although no’ aw strictly one hun’er per cent true
They are aw based on ma real life
So please dinnae hate tae hard on me
A’m still on talking terms wi’ ma noo ex-wife

Then there are the humorous lyrics
Fur which a’ used Nob tae be able tae sing
If ye cannae carry a tune in a bucket
Yer bow needs tae hae a funny string

Which brings me tae the Testical Brothers
A project left unfinished in Turkey
A’ wrote aw they lyrics fur the songs
But ma brother wiz tae busy playing jerky

A’ really want ye tae hear the tunes
As a’ ‘hink they hae some great potential
But apparently noo finishin’ the recordin’
Is nae longer deemed a task that’s essential

So hopefully ye foond this book amusin’
An’ would like tae hear some more tales
Believe me, a’ hiv lived many multitudes
Ae times when a’ went severely aff the rails

A dae intend tae write anothir collection
The only problem is that a’ wurk fuw time
If a’ get enough donations tae the cause
Then at least a’ winnae need tae turn tae a life ae crime

A’ will probably soon be to’ally banned fae the net
When the government brings in their digital ID
So buy ma books an’ spread them aroond
Afore a’ need tae pack ma bags an’ the country flee

Cause they are tryin’ tae crack doon on whit ye kin say
An’ a’ find it very hard no’ tae speak ma mind
So a’ll dae whit a’ kin in the meantime
Then hope ma trails they dinnae find

Anyway’ a guess a’d better stop ramblin’ on
An’ get tae wurk writin’ some mare tales ae madness
A’ dinnae mean whit Suggs an’ the boys got up tae
A’ mean fae ma life ae woe, which hopefully bring ye gladness

A’ hiv some othir books oot there awready
Which ye kin delve intae if ye fancy it
A’ hivnae sold any, so a’ dinnae hae any reviews
So a’ couldnae really say if they’re guid or shit

If any ae ye really want tae get in touch
Send me loads ae money on a regular basis
An’ a’ will dae ma best tae get back tae ye
But a’ll probably be higher than those cunts fae Oasis!

Cheers the noo!