A few years ago noo, a’ got invited tae a Barbeque at ma pal Pat’s hoose fur a Barbeque. A’ didnae bother turnin’ up wi’ any food though. A’ jist brought beer and funny cigarettes. Then spent maest ae ma time hittin’ on ma pals, like Banu fur instance. She wouldnae let me in her knickers in a million years but she lets me kid masel on. She’s guid like that.

A’ then moved on tae ma pal Steve’s wife Buket. She wiz up fur a dance on the roof so whae wiz a’ tae let her doon?

Aftir a danced wi’ Emily on the roof, which ye kin check oot in the video, a’ took her an’ her boyfriend tae a secluded spot where a’ got him tae take some naughty photaes. This is the closest a’ got though.

Jist afore leavin’ the party this cheeky young ‘hing approached me an’ asked fur ma Hat. Normally a’ jist leave ma hat on when it comes tae the burds but as she wiz the only yin that wanted su’hin aff me that day, a’ had tae gie it tae her….the hat obviously. A’ thought it may win me favour wi’ her Mother but that wiz quickly exterminated when ma taxi arrived.