It wiz an absolute pleasure tae be involved, even in a small way, wi’ the Kunt and the Gang ‘Cockgate’ scandal at this years Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
As ye may ken a’ wiz performin’ a show at this years festival an’ a’ went tae the Royal Mile tae hand oot ma flyers on the first day. It is no’ su’hin a’ enjoy daeing very much but ye hiv tae gie it a go anyway.
On ma way there, although a’ hadnae met him afore, a’ spotted Kunt walking towards me. As he approached a’ shouted oot ‘Oi Kunt, hae a flyer!’ A’ wiz quite please that a’ gave ma first flyer ae the festival tae Kunt an’ thought it wiz a guid omen fur the rest ae the festival.
Aboot a week intae the festival a’ met Bob Slayer in the Meadow Bar, and he invited me tae his Marmite Gameshow at the Hive the following day. He had pit taegether the roster ae acts appearing there during the Festival, yin ae which wiz Kunt and the Gang.
A’ had tried tae go an’ see him the year afore, but the Meadow Bar where he wiz performing was sold oot every nicht, and so a’ wiz pleased that a’ had the opportunity tae see him live as he was on directly after Bob.
We got chatting after his show and although technically a’ wiz part ae the Free Fringe this year, a’ enjoyed hanging oot wi’ him and the other Free Festival acts that performed in the Hive. They are ma kind ae people and a’ dinnae gie a fuck aboot the politics involved wi’ the twa Free organisations and their differences.
Cockgate Photaes at The Hive
When a’ went back tae the Hive a couple ae days later the Cockgate Scandal was taking aff and as a’ was there Bob asked me if a’ wanted tae go onstage fur a Scotsman Newspaper photoshoot wi’ the other comedians, Phil Kay, Charlie Chuck, Mike Belgrave and Frank Sanazi among others that came along tae support Kunt as well as the organiser ae the Malcolm Hardee Comedy Awards John Fleming and The Scotsman critic, Kate Copstick.
So that wiz aw guid fun and a’ thought that wiz that as far as getting involved in Cockgate would go. Hooever, the next day yin ae ma comedian friends let slip on facebook that a bunch ae them were going fur another photoshoot, this time outside ae The Stand comedy club where many years afore a’ had actually been barred fae performing, but we’ll no’ go intae the reasons fur that here.
This wiz tae guid an opportunity tae miss so although it would mean forsaking ma flyering fur the day, a’ made a beeline fur The Stand but not afore puttin’ on ma Kilt an’ ma Kunt and the Gang T-Shirt.
Photaes at The Stand
When a’ turned up a’ could see the look on some ae the other established comedians faces were like ‘Whae the hell is this character?’ But Kunt wiz cool wi’ Nob being there and that’s aw that mattered tae me.
So, a’ slipped intae another photoshoot an’ grabbed as many comedians as a’ could fur a photo with Nob. Aftir aw, it’s no’ every day ye get the chance to stick crudely drawn cocks on yer face and pose with the likes of Simon Donald, Seymour Mace, Steve Day, Ro Campbell, Stewart Lee and Jojo Sutherland whae were there tae support the cause.
Kunt and Bob Talk Cockgate
A’ also managed tae video both Bob and Kunt talking aboot ‘Cockgate’ at their respective shows and a’ interview Bob ootside The Stand.
Here is a guid example ae whit people were daein’ wi’ the sticky cocks.
And here’s whit yin looked like after Edinburgh council had pulled the cock aff.
Nob Sticks Up For Kunt
Here is a video ae me givin’ ma tuppence worth on the affair.
Cock and Balls
An’ here’s ma version ae Wonderwall which a’ changed the wurds tae suit the Cockgate fiasco.
Today the police are on the street
An’ they’re tearing doon sticky Kunt cocks
By noo they should’ve somehoo
Realized they’re the dicks
A’ didnae believe that anybody
Would gie such a monkeys hoot about a joke
As soon as the cocks were on the street
The Underbelly began tae shout
Dinnae mess we’re the fucking best
And we’re goin’ tae take yer cocks all out
A’ couldnae believe that a comedy venue
Couldnae take a joke without a pout
And all the cocks we had tae stick were shining
And all the posters we put them on were pining
There are many things that we would
Like tae do tae you
And your stupid cow
Cause Underbelly
It turns oot yer a little bit smelly
Cause after all
It’s just a cock and balls
This year was gonna be the year
That the spirit of the fringe was ruined
But then some comics stood up
And telt the fascists tae get tae fuck
I cannae believe that anybody
Would threaten to sue a Kunt aboot a cock
And all the cocks we had tae stick were shining
And all the posters we put them on were pining
There are many things that we would
Like tae do tae you
And your stupid cow
Cause Underbelly
It turns oot yer a little bit smelly
Cause after all
It’s just cock and balls
Cause Underbelly
It turns oot yer a little bit smelly
Cause after all
You just suck Kunts Balls
Cockgate Live
So on the second last night of the Fringe, the aforementioned John Fleming was hostin’ the Malcolm Hardee Award Show. A’ had asked him fur a spot on it but he politely declined. A’ had nae right tae really as a’ hiv never proved masel’ tae be anywhere near worthy enough ae being on it but although he said no, he did kindly let me video the show.
In the video below a’ explain Cockgate tae the audience and say hoo a’ wiz hopin’ that a’ could storm the stage at the award show and somehow perform Cock and Balls which would hae rounded aff ma festival very nicely. A’ then go on tae give Cock and Balls it’s first public airing.
Nob Joins Frank Sanazi Uninvited
Unfortunately the opportunity tae perform Cock and Balls never arose but as a’ had the idea tae storm the stage in ma mind a’ picked whit a’ thought wiz the maest opportune moment an’ a’ joined Frank Sanazi fur a bit ae a dance alongside his performance.
A’ would hae got ma balls oot on stage, as indeed Malcolm Hardee used tae dae quite often, but Puppetry ae the Penis had just been on and there is nae point even trying to compete wi’ them in the testicle stakes so ae jist pulled ma trousers doon and kept ma boxers on fur the dance.
Cockgate Photos – Wank Fantasy
A used Kunts song ‘Wank Fantasy‘ as a soundtrack tae some ae the Cockgate photos.
Sorry About The Cocks
A’ realise this post may be a bit Cock heavy, so I will ram it hame a bit mare cause a’ amnae yin tae hauld back on the ‘going aw the way’ patter.
If ye want mare info aboot the shananigans then read the Skinny’s interview wi’ Kunt and the Gang on their website entitled quite simply Cockgate.
Kunts Apology
Here is a letter from Kunt apolgising for the Cocks.
Kunt and the Gang would like to apologise to anyone who is upset about the ‘crudely drawn cock’ stickers that have been appearing all over posters in Edinburgh. When we had 5000 of the cock stickers printed in the run up to the Fringe Festival we just thought it would be a light-hearted alternative to flyers. The plan was to give them to our audience each night so they could go out and vote with their cocks by sticking them in amusing places on posters. It was intended to be one big jolly jape that everyone laughed along with. This I now know was a badly misjudged joke that horribly backfired.
Unfortunately it was brought to our attention that some comedians were extremely angry at seeing their posters adorned with an effigy of a male member. This culminated in myself being physically threatened by one irate comic who failed to see the funny side of his poster being decorated by a member of the public with a crudely drawn image of a man’s winky.
Further to this, after only four nights of the audience being handed stickers at the end of my show, I received a warning from the Fringe Police and was told that Underbelly had threatened action should any more of my stickers be handed out. I suspect the cock that broke the camel’s back was the penis that ended up in Christine Hamilton’s wine glass on their flagship poster on Bristo Square. The same night I received a visit at my venue from Edinburgh Council Environmental Department who told us that they had spent the day pulling off over a hundred cocks. They showed us examples of cocks they had found on posters, including the one of Russell Kane with his mouth open, the one of Richard Herring lying on a bed and the one of the Spank Comedy Club with that bird bending over. I gave them my assurance to that no more cock stickers would be given out.
I would like to take this opportunity to say my cocks were not meant maliciously or designed to annoy anyone and I sincerely apologise if one of my cocks got up anyone’s nose. Admittedly I didn’t think it through properly. I mistakenly thought everyone would share my enthusiasm for seeing Edinburgh covered in crudely drawn cocks for a month. In retrospect I realise I was like America selling Weapons of Mass Destruction to the Middle East without a thought for who my cock shaped missiles would be affecting. Furthermore I would also like to apologise to any of the performers who have had a cock removed and are now left where the sticker once was or a ‘ghost cock’. I’m sorry if my cock cheesed anyone off.
Notes to Editors
– Yesterday Stewart Lee, the thinking man’s comic, went to see Kunt and the Gang, the most purile show on the fringe, for the second night in a row. Mr Lee, and his wife Bridget Christie, once again laughed like drains throughout renditions of classic Kunt songs such as: “Wanking Over a Pornographic Polaroid of an Ex-girlfriend Who Died.” “Fucksticks” and “Hurry up and Suck Me Off Before I Get Famous.”
– Serial prankster Lewis Schaffer was asked what he thought about it all and he said: “Well I was thinking of going to see Russell Kane’s show but when I saw his poster I was worried that he might be a cock sucker and so have decided to give it a miss.”
– Russell Kane “I actually found it fucking funny! Keep printing cocks and saying it too. It’s proper funny.”
Cock and Balls Rehearsal
Billy’s Version
Cheers the noo!
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