So, as some ae ye may ken if ye bother tae read ma facebook updates at aw that a’ hiv decided tae lay aff the swallae fur a while. In fact, in theory a’ am tryin tae lay aff it altaegethir, fur guid, furever!
Some ae ma pals hae scolded me fur this idea sayin “Hoo kin yoo lay aff the drink Nob? Yoo willnae be yersel if ye stop drinkin’ and naebody will luv ye fur hoo ye are anymare”
Noo, granted a’ hiv brought that reputation on masel a’ fair bit seein’ as hoo a’ hiv done whit seems like nu’hin but drink and take drugs fur the past 20 odd year and tae suddenly stop would seem like a’ am goin’ against everyhin a’ believe in… ie Rock and Roll Daddy-O.
But ye ken, sometimes ye jist hae tae ask yersel ‘is it worth it? Who am a’ dain’ it fur and why if it is causin’ me pain should a continue?’ A’ ken it is no’ very rock and roll but if Rock and Roll jist means getting’ fucked up and passin’ oot in a ditch then a’ should hae been on many a teenage girls wall a long long time ago.
Ye see, maybe a’ dae hae a few illusions ae granduer or maybe not. Basically, when a’ die and meet the higher part ae masel a’ jist want tae be able tae say at least a’ tried ma best tae dae su’hin worthwhile wi’ ma life and no’ jist say that a’ pissed it up against a’ wa’.
A’ hiv spent a fair bit ae ma time here reading aboot whae controls the wurld (if indeed anyin does) and a’ hiv studied spiritual stuff a wee bit and hiv a fair understandin’ ae hoo things work and that is kind ae whit inspired me tae gie comedy and writin’ poetry and shit a bash, plus the fact a’ fuckin hate workin’ in jobs that are soul destroyin’. A’ jist cannae dae it.
So that is why a’ hiv booked masel intae the Edinburgh Festival even though a’ hivnae performed comedy in ower a year, basically a’ am nearly 40 and the time fur fartin’ aboot is ower. It has reached the noo or never stage and ultimately the scary thought ae getting’ a real job has kicked ma arse intae gear (albeit very slowly) and it has dawned on me that if a’ keep dain the same old pish a’ will continue tae get the same results.
Well, some of ye may say, jist cut doon on yer drinkin’ and smokin’. Be a responsible addict onotherwards. Aye, richt. A’ hiv tried that time and time again and a’ am an all or nu’hin type geezer. A’ dinnae hae the will power required tae be able tae dabble noo and then. Yince a’ start, that is me on a bender fur God kens hoo long.
So, the long and short ae it is a’ am tryin tae get sober. A’ say tryin’ cause a’ still hae a smoke fae time tae time but even that is getting borin’. A’ hiv been stoned at least 50% ae ma wakin’ adult life a’ reckon and noo a get a buzz fae bein sober! It’s quite mental bein’ able tae get shit done withoot haein’ a foggy brain cause let’s face it, bein’ stoned doesnae make ye any mare clever although it kin lead tae new trains ae thought and make ‘hings seem funnier a’ grant ye.
Dinnae misunderstand me, a dinnae regret fuck all and a’ amnae gonnae start preachin’ fur others no’ tae dae it but at the end ae the day ye hiv tae be responsible fur yersel and if a’ fuck up this Edinburgh Festival cause a’ wiz too drunk or not focused enough and then a’ hae tae get a real job and that is jist tae big a price tae pay and a’ will hate masel furever which probably wouldnae be that long anyway, as a’ would want tae kill masel.
So, a’ hadnae been tae ma local bar fur three weeks and everyin wiz ‘hinkin’ it wiz ma new girlfriends Natashas fault, that she wiz tryin tae change me etc. And they were richt it wiz her fault tae a certain extent cause the main reason a’ wiz goin’ oot and getting’ pished so often wiz tae try and pull a bird and noo that a’ got yin a’ didnae feel that particular need and so it wiz me that decided tae quit drinkin’ masel.
In fact if she or anyin else fur that matter tells me no’ tae dae su’hin a’ go oot ae ma way tae make sure a’ dae it. A polarity responder, a’ believe is the phrase fur it or onotherwords, a bawbag. Whitever ye prefer.
Hooever, a felt that a’ needed tae go and say goodbye tae the barman Mehmet and tae the place in general as it had really helped me get ower ma last relationship and a’ met many guid friends there so a’ announced on facebook that a’ would gotae Adi Bar fur yin last time and it would be nice tae see any yin whae fancied a last drink wi’ ma guid self.
A’ cannae say the nicht wiz any mare special than previous nichts as they were aw much the same. Plenty ae drink, laughs, crazy dancin’ and general fuckedupness but there were a few special moments.
Yin a’ will cherish furever is the lovely Emily (who wore pigtails and a dress fur the occasion) bought me a Rose! Yep, that’s richt, a fuckin’ Rose!
Hoo awesome is that? That touched ma heart deeply and then she followed it up by buyin’ me a drink (makes a change Emily, huh?) so I stinged her for a proper sized Baileys fur 10 Lira! In the past a’ hiv bought her a few Baileys but they were fur 5 Lira and served in a shot glass, but that’s really no’ the way tae drink Baileys.
Other guid friends showed up as well including the girl with the biggest but most beautiful smile ever, Serap and the sexiest Lawyer ever, Ceyda.
Also the cuddliest and yin ae the craziest birds a’ ever met, the lovely Callie.
A’ had an epic adventure wi’ her tae Olympos yin day aftir we had been drinkin’ aw nicht withoot any sleep.
Of course ma darlin Natasha wiz there also although as the nicht wore on perhaps mare in body than in spirit as she cannae handle her drink as well as she ‘hinks she kin. Ain’t that richt sweetheart? 😉
There wiz an incident regarding Natasha when a’ wiz in the toilet when this guy who a’ had seen afore but couldnae be arsed talkin’ tae as he looked a bit ae a prick, started strokin Natashas back in a sexy way. She wiz tae shocked tae speak apparently but Callie stood up fur her and telt him that a’ wouldnae be a happy bunny if a’ foond oot.
A’ wiz telt this by Callie aftir he left cause she kent a’ would hiv lynched him. Not because a’ am an aggressive sort its jist that a’ felt a’ could hae taken him so a’ would hiv let rip and see whit happened. Yep, sometimes even Callie kin judge a situation correctly when shes drunk, so well done girl, 🙂
A’ foond oot a week later that he also tried it on wi’ ma tennis partner Steve’s wife, when she wiz comin’ oot the toilet! Hey, he may be sad and lonely but there is nae excuse fur that kind ae behaviour and if a’ see him again a’ will be hain’ wurds wi’ him so he better watch his step.
On a final note the young barman who helps Mehmet called Umit wiz there, havin’ jist returned fae his military service and it wiz certainly guid tae see his smilin’ face again.
Mehmet wiz certainly in a better mood and aw, haein the extra help, although ye couldnae tell that fae this photae.
So as a wiz leavin fur the last time, a went up tae Umit and gave him a cuddle and telt him that a’ loved him. He pissed himself laughin’ and sat back doon wi’ his friends. A’ looked at them and gave the devil horns heavy metal signal and heard Umit say, not for the first time. “Nob you are the greatest!”
No’ a bad way tae leave yer favourite pub ae aw time and indeed drink (hopefully) behind ye, eh? Whit dae ye’s ‘hink? No’ bad, aricht?
The Photaes
p.s Of course, a’ didnae lay aff the drink furever aftir this nicht. It lasted aboot a week an’ then a’ wiz back tae get fucked as often as possible. Life is jist shit enough tae make ye dae that eh. Whae kens, maybe’s yin day a’ll be able tae get a grip…ae su’hin else othir than ma cock!
Cheers the noo!
Nob
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