A’richt folks, how’s it hangin’? Cool, aye? Guid.
Noo as a’ sort of introduction tae ma site and whit ah’m a’ aboot this video ae ma website presentation is a pretty guid yin tae start wi’. Fur a start nae’yin threw any’hin at me which is aye’ways a bonus.
Ye see, ma first Nob Stewart website wiz the result ae a course a’ done through the brew wi’ a company called Net Resources in Edinburgh. So this video is the presentation we had tae dae after we completed oor 6 week project so that the company could justify gettin’ mare funding fae the government.
The main teacher who introduces me is called Stef and there wiz another geezer who worked there called Roan and the American lady who ran the company wiz called Sara. A’ tell ye this cause a’ refer tae them a few time durin’ ma presentation.
On their website, Stef gave me a very good review of this presentation which read:-
And last but by no means least. Nob Stewart. A barnstorming and unique performance that will be remembered for a long long time. Nob, the weird illegitimate child of Scotland. Part Rod Stewart, part Tennants, Part haggis and all abuse! Everyone was rolling in the isles for his performance, more stand-up than presentation. Truly a great talent and one to keep an eye out for. My favourite part of his show? His description of his key milestones “My first milestone was getting Stef to do my design, my second milestone was getting Roan to do my code”. Priceless.
The Photaes
The Dialogue
Aright?
A’ got held up in the boozer there, did a’ miss any’hin?
Have a’ missed any’hin?
What a’ am on?
Sorry about that, I’ll catch up with your sites later eh.
Gies the web address an’ that, I’m sure they’re pretty guid.
Aye, a’m Nob Stewart.
Jist had a few swallies an’ a sing song in the boozer there, how ye’s ae dain’? Awright?
Cool aye.
A’d better make masel at hame here.
Pretty baltic oot there the day.
Right so, a’ve got a site. A’ve done a project for Nob Stewart.
That’s eh, that’s me in case ye hivnae guessed.
Here we go, first slide….hoo’s this ‘hing work again?
Ah, there we go…
That’s me Nob Stewart.
Basically a’ am Scotlands Greatest Living Entertainer.
As opposed tae bein’ a dead entertainer.
Which is pretty hard tae dae, innit?
A’ve not got much competition to be Scotlands Greatest Entertainer, what, Sydney Divine and Lulu?
Team? A team of one, Ladies and Gentlemen which is me, Nob Stewart.
What happened wiz, we were doon the office doon the stairs in the office
decidin’ which team tae go intae and a’ volunteered Nob Stewart….a’ asked fur volunteers……the silence wiz deafenin’.
In fact ye could hear su’hin.
Ye could hear a stampede for every other project bar Nob Stewarts.
It wiz as if a’ wiz askin’ fur volunteers tae go fur a stint in Guantanmo Bay!
Such wiz the enthusiasm that Nob Stewart generated.
So a’ had tae soldier on masel which wiz aricht but a’m no’ much ae a team player so it’s probably jist as well.
So, Who is Nob? What is Nob? Why is Nob?
Obviously ye kin probably guess by noo, Nob Stewart is a pretty cool geezer.
Ye kin obviously tell that by ma tartan attire.
He’s also a natural comic tae boot, you know.
Sometimes people jist see him an’ start killin’ themselves laughin’, fur nae apparent reason.
He is that guid, aye.
Whit else kin a’ tell ye?
Nob, he luvs his swallae…. Luvs his swallae, aye.
So much so that he noo gets his mail delivered tae his local boozer.
Cause that’s where ye’ll find him at 11 o’clock every mornin’.
For the doors openin’, sometimes he gets a lock in when he’s on the odd 48 hour bender.
Although Nob has made his name on the Karaoke scene in the Bars in Fawkirk.
A’ should admit that Nob, he cannae really carry a tune in a bucket.
Which comes as nae great surprise cause it’s a physical impossibility tae carry a tune in a bucket.
A’ don’t know whae thought ae that yin.
The point a’m trying tae make is when Nobs onstage singin’, he doesnae focus so much on hittin’ the right notes
As he does on dodgin’ the flyin’ beer bottles that are flyin’ past him.
Which makes his unremarkable success all the more remarkable.
Nob loves Charity. Nob and Charity they go taegethir like the homeless and street corners.
He donates very generously tae charity shops, cause that’s where he gets maest ae his clothes fae.
And there is one ‘hing a’ should point out that Nob is a lover not a fighter.
Many’s the time people have came up tae him in a pub and whacked him on the face.
And when Nobs eventually got up he point black refuses tae retaliate.
It’s no’ that he’s a coward.
It’s more the fact he’s got Ghandi like principles.
Nob uses words as his weapons.
In fact that’s usually what gets him a smack in the mouth in the first place.
Now Nob is not afraid of hard work, right.
He’s definately not afraid of hard work.
It’s more the fact that he’s just lazy, that’s how he gets nu’hin done in life.
And he also hates talkin’ aboot himsel’ in the 3rd person but….we’ll carry on regardless.
Project brief
A’ had tae design a site.
What a’m a’ gonnae dae wi’ this site?
Well obviously a’m gonna showcase a site design a shite to show off Nobs talents tae the world.
Nobs incredible, stupendous, fantastic, amazing, unique and orgasmic talents.
Now yer probably ‘hinkin’ ‘Does this Nob character have any talents?’ eh?
Well, never judge a book by it’s Tartan cover.
Or indeed his Lepordskin, it’s no’ a guid idea.
Basically what wiz the site gonnae include?
It wiz gonnae include a blog….tae keep Nobs fan up tae date wi’ whats goin’ on.
In the past a’ wiz dain’ it by homin’ pigeons but we’ll try tae get aroond that an’ get a couple ae mare fans in
noo that a’ am on the net, an’ aw that.
Poetry. Nob writes a’ bit ae poetry, does a bit ae singin’ an’ that.
Rants, he rants against the injustices ae the wurld. Mainly hoo Nob is still on the bottom rung ae the entertainment industry
And Shakin’ Stevens hiz had a 20 year career.
That’s an injustice.
Photos, a’ am goin’ tae post tae show aff Nobs amazingly photogenic face, you know.
And all the different clothes that he wears.
Not Trendy clothes.
Cause Nob as yiv probably guessed is not a trend follower.
He’s a trend setter.
Nobody follows Nobs trends right enough.
Multimedia, ye hae tae get Multimedia on the site cause ye hae tae hear Nob fur the full experience, you know
And some videos as well cause he has tae be seen tae be believed.
Nobs got a shop, he’s gonna put a shop on the site to sell Nobs CD, for only £5 ladies and gentleman
for 10 songs.
But a’m sure if ye offered Nob 50p a deal could be struck.
Cause a’m a bit hard up fur cash at the moment.
I’ll leave a bucket at the exit.
Only Notes accepted.
Then obviously there’s nae point designin’ a site if ye’re no’ gonnae build the ‘hing.
So a’ had tae build the site, there is nae point an Architect dain’ the drawin’s
an’ no’ actually buildin’ the hoose ken, Pointless.
The Overview.
A had tae produce a RSS document.
Noo, a’ still dinnae even ken what RSS stands for!
I believe that had tae be handed in today eh.
Aye, there you go there Stef, there is my RSS Document (written on beer mat)
Just takin’ care ae business folks.
Project plan
This was jist before we went for wiz it a 2 or 3 week Christmas and New Year, it wiz a bit ae a blur.
Two or three week Christmas and New Year break.
Spent the full day doon the stairs drawing up ma plan.
Day One – I’m goin’ tae dae this.
Day Two – Dae this.
Christmas Day – Work like a dog, you know.
Left the buildin’, completely forgot about that plan, you know.
Way too many parties tae go tae.
You may wonder where a’ got the cash fae, bein’ unemployed.
But ask nae questions, a’ll tell ye nae lies.
So eh, got swallaed up an’ aw that at Christmas an’ New Year.
So the plan, it wiznae worth the computer screen it wiz formulated on.
Methodology
Eh, next what we got?
Methodology, quite a unique methodology.
Roll that sleeve, roll that sleeve.
Gıt stuck in.
That wiz the methodology.
A’ also had extra motivation, Ladies and Gentlemen.
A’ had quite a lot of extra motivation tae dae well on this.
An’ put a lot ae hard work on this site cause a’ve got a young boy,
a’ve got a young boy and it wiz a great excuse tae avoid babysittin’ duties.
Milestones
Milestones, a’ had a few milestones along the way.
The main milestone wiz gettin’ Stef tae dae ma main design.
A’ thought that really set the tone fur the rest ae the project.
The second major milestone wiz gettin’ Roan tae put Stefs design intae the blog.
What a’ did wiz a’ used that an’ duplicated that 4 times and got four pages out of that.
And the biggest milestone wiz stayin’ oot the pub long enough to get some work done on this site.
Out of 6 weeks a’ managed 3 days when a’ never went tae the pub at aw.
Pretty good, the rest ae the week aboot 2 o’clock a’ got the shakes an’ had tae go tae the boozer
And had a few swallies an’ that.
Aye, so after Christmas an’ New Year, on the last day before returnin’ here
A’ thought a’d better get su’hin tae show Stef cause if ye dinnae dae it he’s no’ a happy bunny.
Ken, so a’ thought, a’d better whip a design taegethir so a’ came up wi’ this design aboot 10 o’clock the night before
There we go.
That wiz ma first attempt…and personally Nob thought that wiz superb ken.
Didnae need changed at aw but when Stef saw it he wiz nearly physically sick.
A’ don’t know, so Stef went intae his we room, ken, doin’ aw this patter, typing awa!
He came up wi’ this different design.
Now personally, Nob preferred his design.
But he hates seein’ a grown man cry, ken.
So a’ says ‘ok fine Stef, let’s roll wi’ that yin’.
So on tae ma site.
Stef get ma site up here a’ dinnae ken what buttons tae press.
Workin’ wi’ Stef’s design so bear with me eh.
There we go, noo Ladies an’ Gentlemen, aw the other projects had two or three members, did any ae them hae a splash page? Naw!
What a’ did wiz, a’ contacted this Geezer in Fawkirk.
Cause that’s where a’ am fae an’ he done this design fur me.
Pretty good, a’ wiznae too happy.
Whit a’ done wiz a’ pit Nobs face intae the cartoon there as ye kin see.
A’ done that fur two reasons.
The first reason bein’ is tae gie a wee indictaion ae whit is tae come on the rest ae the site.
Cause a’ do manipulate images a wee bit.
And the other reason bein’ his design looked less like Nob and more like Tina Turner.
Thought a’d better change that a wee bit but a’ wiz quite happy wi’ that, quite happy with that.
Eh, on tae the next one.
There we go, this is the home page.
Usin’ Stef’s design, whit a’ done wiz, ye kin see a’ put Tartan doon the side there as a menu.
And also when ye go over these buttons, see that when ye go over that ye see a bit ae tartan.
A’ thought that really saved Stef’s design fae the scrapheap.
And eh, made it look pretty good actually.
And we’ve got this wee bit, My Video Talk, we’ll come back to that at the end bear that in mind.
This tells ye a wee bit about Nob there ye go eh.
We’ll go tae the About Nob page, here ye kin see the Birth ae Nob.
This is an actual photograph.
A couple ae Pipers there in the backgroond.
Nob wiz born tae a Virgin mum.
At least he likes tae ‘hink ae her that way.
Not 3 Wise men, it wiz 3 dodgy geezers.
They were bearin’ gifts of Whisky, Deep Fried Pizza and Twenty Fags.
That’s homosexuals not cigarettes.
But they had escaped from the local mental asylum.
Or the auld folks home, whitever ye want tae call it.
So, ontae the next page
This is a blog that Nob wrote first of all.
It’s got some pictures fae gigs here.
Here’s one here, this is Stars in the Bar.
A wee bit ae background.
This is hoo Nob wiz born.
Ye ken hoo Dr Who kindae metamorphises fae time tae time, kindae changes.
Well Nob has been a few different ‘hings in the past.
He’s been a failed Rock and Roll Star under the pseudo name of Billy Watson.
Then he wiz a kindae comedy guy who ranted against the injustices ae the wurld as The Great White Shaft.
Then he wiz Hamish McScottie did funny poems.
And a talent competition a’ entered this as Hamish McScottie.
And it wiz really jist a jazzed up Karaoke competition so a’ thought a’d better come up wi’ su’hin quick.
An a’ jist kinda, done aw this patter an’ then Nob Stewart wiz born with this song Suzie Hay.
Instead ae Maggie May.
What else we got?
We got some lyrics this is an amalgamation of Nobs past.
Some serious lyrics there, that wiz eh a picture taken fae when a’ wiz in a fight wi’ Muhammad Ali.
It wiz jist before that fight he contracted Parkinsons disease.
He’s still got a rapid fire jab on him, let me tell ye.
He’s still got it has old Ali.
The next ones, Songs.
Ye kin see here there is different sort ae singles, covers a’ made up there.
Eh, a’ have tae be careful which buttons tae press noo.
There’s Nob wi’ Tramp Tae a King.
There’s some other ones here, there’s Nob with the Stones there, gettin’ down, cool.
Eh, ontae the poems, there is actually a picture taken fae last night or this mornin’.
There it is aye. That’s me face doon in a gutter.
Check aw this oot on the site at yer leisure ken, a’ am jist rushin’ through it quite quickly the noo.
Eh, a’ve been told tae avoid the rants page
Eh Photos, a’ don’t know if ye’ve noticed but Nob is a part time Jockey.
Ken hoo a lot ae the Stars are intae buyin’ Horses an’ aw that
Well, a’ bought whit a’ thought wiz a’ horse, a’ ‘hink it wiz a Donkey cause a’ve been racin’ this bloody ‘hing fur ages
an’ a’ve no’ won any’hin’ yet.
Eh, a’ll show ye the picture ae that the noo. It does look like a Donkey richt enough noo that a’ am mare sober than a’ am
When a’ go tae race the bloody ‘hing.
Naebody wants tae buy it fae me so a’ guess it’ll be at the knackers yard soon.
And Nobs Shop to sell Nobs soon to be Greatest Hits.
Eh, quite confident.
Now a’ kin put it on The Net ken, an’ not rely on they pigeons.
So a’ve got some friends here noo, this guy Billy Watson.
He’s got a fantastic 3 bedroom apartment in Turkey.
For only £150 a week, a’ thought that had tae be highlighted.
3 bedroom apartment, ye cannae beat that value.
Antalya Holiday dot co dot uk I’ll see you after the break.
Aye, contact Nob.
There’s also a link there tae Edinburgh Hibees.
That’s eh, very important, cool.
If ye go back to the presentation Stef.
A’ve got a meetin’ at half past two in the local boozer.
Noo, ontae this bit.
So, what did Nob learn?
What did he learn doin’ this project?
Well, he learned HTLM
Hyper Text Liquid Managment
Cause he worked drunk.
A’ learned CCS, that’s crazy computer systems.
A’ learned CMS, that’s client Mismanagement Strategies.
A’ learned a lot ae that fae Stef.
SEO, Search Engine Oil.
Be careful wi’ that, a’ used a little bit tae much ae that yin day an’ the computer went haywire.
Photoshop that’s obviously where ye go tae get yer photaes developed.
Patience, a’ learned a lot ae patience, workin’ wi’ Stef an’ Roan ye learn a lot ae patience.
Sarah’s alright, Sarah’s alright, well, fur an American anyway.
Future, what does the future hold for Nob, well the sky’s the limit, or that celein is the limit, one of the two.
A’m goin’ tae develop a Radio show, films, ye’ve heard ae MTV, a’m goin’ tae dae Nob TV.
An’ obviously make loads ae money cause a’m a bit ae a puaper the noo, unemployed an’ all that.
Ways tae market Nob, noo if ye follow yer intuition Ladies and Gentlemen it’s amazin’ whit kin happen.
Cause a’ started on this Suzie Hay, this is hoo a’ put it tae the rest ae the group.
Suzie Hay Nob Stewart, wanna build a website?
Pfff, ran a mile, a’ made this whole website oot ae this an’ recently a’ve come up wi’ this.
It is the future ladies and gentlemen, multi level marketing.
It is the future, come on board, come and join ma team.
We’re goin’ tae make loads ae money, we’re goin’ tae market Nob.
Based on ma success yoo’ll get the overspill fae that ken.
Aftir a’ve been tae the pub an’ drank maest ae it probably.
So basically tae sum up, yer either with Nob or yer with the Terrorists.
A’ don’t take questions by the way.
A’m late fur a meetin’ in the boozer.
Aw aright then come on, any questions?
No? Good.
Cheers the noo!
Nob
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