A’ had taken Ayahausca wi’ a Shaman descended fae Mohammed
The next day a’ discovered he too had loads ae answers
As a’ threw at him questions aboot various topics
He revealed tae me that he even kens hoo tae cure cancers
He said he does it by performin’ ‘hale body healin’
No’ jist by focusin’ on the cancerous growth
He never gies synthetic drugs or fuw body radiation
Unlike mainstream doctors he follows his Hippocratic Oath
Yin ae the methods he uses is cawed point holdin’
Repressed emotions get brought up by pressin’ pressure spots
The points get so hot with kundalini energy aidin’ the release
That aftir a session, ye kin play join the dots
He mentioned that he was soon runnin’ a course
So a’ jumped at the chance tae burn up ma past
The Ayahausca had started the process a’ figured
So a’ may as well go oot wi’ a twa week blast
A’ wiz due tae appear at the Edinburgh Festival
Twa days aftir the course fur a daily hoor show
Despite the fact a’ hadnae performed fur four years
Instead ae rehearsin’ a’decided tae go wi’ the flow
So it wiz aff tae Devon tae sleep in a farm barn
A’ wish a’d taken a mat as the floor wiz concrete
A’ thought, ‘Never mind aboot ma Edinburgh audience
Aftir this a’ will be happy if a jist get ma bum on a seat’
We had tae stick tae a raw fruit and vegetable diet
The uncooked enzymes burn DNA crystals at meridian points
A’ kent there wiz a reason why a’d never learned tae cook
A’ mean, apart fae the fact a’ smoke tae many joints
The Shaman looks in yer eye based on his Iridology trainin’
Tae discover where the suppressed emotions are stored
He then finds the correspondin’ spot on the body
And pushes his finger on it like a sharp sword
Fur instance, apathy is stored in the gonads
An’ ye cannae get rid ae it by jist a whole lot ae shakin’
But there is a correlatin’ point in the ankle which when pressed
Break down decades auld crystals, an’ ye begin tae awaken
As unconsciousness is the first layer that is whit ye start wi’
Fur the first hoor ye ‘hink nu’hin is happenin’
Then aw ae a sudden cauld winds leave yer body
Apparently it is demons gettin’ pushed oot an openin’
The folk hauldin’ the points fingers get red hot
Tae a level sae intense ye really want tae cry
The healin’ wurks cause at the end, aboot three hoors later
Bathe ae ye are so grateful it feels like ye’re high
Each day we wurked through oor layers ae pain
Auld partners were cursed an’ tears were shed
There is a point inside the jaw cawed the triple axis
Where the pain a’ released made me wish a’ wiz dead
Ye dinnae realise the amount ae crap that we carry
Until ye pit yersel through a process like that
The change in every’yin wiz really remarkable
An’ because ae the diet some folk even lost fat
The best laugh wiz when a’ had tae point a girls Coccyx
As we say in Scotland she wiz well worth a screw
Halfway through, she moved, an’ said she was stiff
The group pissed themselves when a’ said, “Aye, me too”
A’ had made some friends an’ interrogated the Shaman
A’ wanted tae suck in as much ae his knowledge as a’ could
A’ am no’ sayin’ a’ believe it aw but a’ am keen tae learn
Aboot anythin’ in this wurld that is misunderstood
That way ye kin form yer aen furst hand opinions
Wi’oot immediately labelin’ su’hin as bad
A’ will say this though, that yin assumption is correct
Ye’ll generally find that Shamans are mad
It’s the nature ae the job tae traverse inner wurlds
Communicatin’ wi’ various deities and gods
It is safe tae say that any traditional religious persons
Would hiv a view ae the wurld directly at odds
Because this Shaman is a practicin’ magician
And no’ in a David Copperfield kind ae way
Although he kin produce things fae thin air
He has many better ‘hings tae do wi’ his day
Like ficht the forces ae darkness usin’ Kali incantations
Which a’ masel took part in yin free evenin’
A’ pricked ma finger an’ put ma blood intae a bowl
An’ then danced an’ chanted fur evils weakening
We prayed that aw the chemicals the elite use on uz
Would get turned back on them but no’ oot ae malice
A tooth for a tooth, an eye for an eye, a’ believe is the phrase
Twa days later Swine flu was foond in Buckingham Palace
We took that as a victory fur the forces ae licht
But aftir recently studying Christianity a’ amnae sae sure
It claims that pagan rituals go against the wurd ae God
The Devil uses magic both black and white tae lure
So on the yin hand the Shaman uses ‘white magic’
That he says wiz given tae us tae ficht the Evil Empire
If we dinnae use it we would be like sittin’ ducks
Strechin’ oot oor neck fur every predatory system Vampire
While on the othir hand Christians prefer tae wait
Fur Jesus tae return again and take his richtful place
He will condemn the wicked yins tae the lake ae fire
So a’ guess maest ae us will disappear wi’oot trace
Fur is there any’yin really free ae so cawed sin?
Should we wash oorselves in the saviours blood?
At least we dinnae aw hae tae start buildin’ boats
As God promised there wouldnae be anothir flood
In the meantime we hae tae live oor lives
Tryin’ tae make sense ae oor spiritual predicament
A’ wish a’ kent the correct path tae blindly follow
Why isn’t the richt ‘hing tae dae aye’ways self evident?
Cause nae matter hoo much a’ try an’ sort ma life oot
A’ seem tae aye’ways go roond in an ever decreasin” spiral
Sure fur a while aftirwards a’ felt on tap ae the wurld
But aftir goin’ on a bender tae celebrate, ma demons hiv noo went viral
Anywa’ at least doin’ the course helped ma comedy show
As a’ had su’hin tae talk aboot when a’ ran oot ae jokes
A’ should hae performed black magic tae get mare punters in
As it was hell on earth performin’ maest days fur just three folks
Cheers the noo!
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