My first assignment was to help take guests to the Nirvana Beach Party which gets held every night in Içmeler but from which the Hotel runs a bus on Wednesdays and Saturdays only. I hadn’t been to a foam party before and although it does look like fun, in reality being covered in slimy bubbles isn’t really my idea of a good time. I must be getting old. Thankfully, they only put the bubble machine on 10 minutes before the end of the party at 12:15 and we were all back on the bus at 12:30.
During my interview I mentioned that I perform stand up comedy and they wanted to put me on stage at the main hotel but after my previous experience at Parkhead Bar I was a little bit wary of jumping into the deep end again. The Hotel had a Sister which was located at the promenade and was for adults only so I suggested I perform there after there one night after the twice weekly Bingo.
The only problem was that the microphone was dodgy and although Umut got through the Bingo relatively unscathed with it because I move around quite a lot onstage, it became a major source of amusement for the audience as I struggled manfully to get through the show.
It reminded me of Norman Collier who by coincidence had stumbled upon the idea for doing a ‘dodgy mic‘ bit during his act when he saw it happen at another bingo night.
Afterwards I got chatting to some lovely people from Norway and went on one of my ‘legal name fraud‘ rants which I tend to do if the subject of politics raises it’s ugly head. One girl in particular was very receptive to my ideas and just as I was getting comfortable chatting with them, Umut told me I had to leave to go back to the other hotel.
The girl invited me to share a smoke with her later, which she had acquired from a guy selling excursions at a shop across the street. I couldn’t make it back that night and when I saw her the next time she said she had finished it and the guy wouldn’t give her anymore unless she slept with him. Charming. That’s just how things roll in Marmaris apparently.
The next day I was back at the Sister Hotel and I organised a game of darts which included these two half drunk ladies also from Norway.
They certainly made it a lively game which would have been even better if the bloodly flights stayed on the darts long enough to hit the board. We were joined by George from Liverpool and a young guy called Tom who will pop up again later.
Later that night I showed the ladies a picture that Aynur had sent me and they both imitated it and told me to show her to make her jealous. 🙂
The Sister hotel had a bit of the beach and that’s where I first met the couple below who play in a Blondie tribute band called Atomic Blondie. The guy also drums for Money For Nothing, a Dire Straits tribute band. They were really interesting to talk to and make a good living from doing what they love so you got to admire that in this day and age.
I had to go back to Nirvana Beach Party to chaperone the guests from the hotel but a couple of them were rather drunk and I had to talk to the bouncer to get them in, while trying to calm down all parties as there had been a bit of tension. After they got in I thought I had done my job and all looked well…..for a while anyway.
Just before the foam party started a big fight kicked off involving some of our guests and I thought, well I am not pain to get involved in punch ups so I took a back seat. Although as I said, I wasn’t getting paid, period. After they got escorted out I went to check the guests were ok and then went to the beach to record this video blog.
On returning to the Party I saw that the place was half empty and the foam hadn’t even came on yet because all of our guests had been told to leave due to the fracas. Apparently they were calling my name over the tannoy system while I was making the video. Whoops! Luckily I got back in time to catch the bus.
The next day I went to meet a fellow Scot, Joyce McKay, who has lived in Turkey for some years and who has a website called Change Happens Fast where she offers her services as an NLP practitioner and Life Coach. I contacted her when she came to Antalya to do a workshop but I couldn’t make it, so it was nice to spend an hour with her having a drink and a good natter.
Later that night I had to escort the guests to Bar Street and I knew before she even got on the bus that this girl should have been going to bed instead of party central but who was I to tell her that. As she got off the bus I had to walk arm in arm with her to get her into the club where she was given a 2 for 1 drink ticket…basically the last thing she needed.
I stood beside her table and watched as her two ‘friends’ got the drinks in and left her to it basically. After she had polished them off they got her a Jägerbomb which I really couldn’t believe and I knew it was only a matter of time before she would need a bed. I eventually convinced her to leave with me and we got a taxi back to the hotel whereupon getting out she wanted a kebab, which to her credit she bought for me also.
I then took her to the hotel and although she didn’t have her key the reception staff member escorted us both to her room door where I watched her stagger off to bed. It really wasn’t my job to take care of her so much but as her friends didn’t seem too interested I thought someone had to and a few people have had to look after me over the years so I figured it was good to payback some Karma anyway. 🙂
Another night at the Sister Hotel and after the Bingo I again made a stab at performing some comedy. The microphone was so bad that I couldn’t even make a joke of it and had to put it down altogether, which meant doing the gig by shouting about the street noise and background music. Difficult to say the least. I was then interrupted by the Belly Dancer which it has to be said did draw a much bigger crowd than me, and then I sat down for a beer and a few Raki‘s with the young team.
They thought that you drank it straight so I had to point out that adding water is the way it is usually drunk but it still didn’t endear them much to it and even though I am not a big fan of it, I had to clear the table as I had my Scottish reputation to uphold, plus it was free.
We then headed off to a few bars where Tom sang on Karaoke and we shared a fish bowl or two. By the end of the night I was dancing on a bar which is always a good/bad sign. I made this video blog on the way home.
Let’s just say that doing the morning dance the next day wasn’t much fun….and things didn’t improve much until about 5pm that night when I eventually managed to get some decent shut eye.
I had met a guy called Allen at the Sister Hotel and I soon discovered that he was on the same page as me regarding how the world is run and the situation we appear to be in. It felt good to talk to him as I didn’t feel like I was lecturing and it was more of sharing of ideas and knowledge. For instance he pointed out to me the problem of Lyme Disease and how it was created on Plum Island.
I met up with the young team again and the lovely Norwegian lass back at the hotel when I organised some Table Tennis and even though the table had a couple of large dead areas on it, where the ball didn’t bounce, we managed to get through a round robin competition where I came second and where the Englishman that won took great national pride in beating me. I,of course, blamed the dodgy table.
After the Table Tennis had finished it was nearly time for my early evening nap but the young team wanted to play Beer Pong. As I was working in the evening I took a back seat for that and left them to it.
That night it was back to Nirvana Beach where another animator Joyce and two guests at the Hotel, Ami and Melissa, put on a good show on the bar for the crowd. It wasn’t to be the last time I saw them do their bar thang.
I met the young team for the Sister hotel at dinner where they were still a bit pissed from the Beer Pong but they recovered enough to revel in the party vibe and the foam, but I had learned to stay clear of the bubbles and so observed from the lofted position of the dancing pole when the machine got switched on.
This crew were a great bunch as were the people they came with. Anton on the left had lost a finger somehow, I never found out how but hence, the pose we were doing. He was as they say, mad for it and I especially appreciated his efforts on the Karaoke.
Next to him was Chris and he basically started drinking at the airport, continued on the plane, got more at the Turkish airport and drank practically every waking moment until he went home. The funny thing is that he doesn’t usually drink back in Scotland.
Steve on my left had came with his girlfriend thinking he was going to have a quiet holiday and it turned out to be anything but. Together they were a great crack although I think Chris’s family didn’t see the funny side all the time, especially when he would come back to hotel with a towel around his head impersonating a muslim terrorist at 6 in the morning.
Here I am with the animation team leader and all round Legend that is Chico. When he wasn’t chasing birds he would summon me to the backstage area and dress me up in various costumes so we could go around the hotel collecting guests for the Aqua Pool, but he still managed to chase a few, even coping a feel of a tit from a playful young chick one time.
Here I am again with Chico with the two of us in Bow Ties. This time he hadn’t told me to dress like a clown so I dressed down for the evening.
However the next day he dressed me as a Pimp! One of my better looks, I think you’ll agree. His Zorro one was quite fetching too but lacking in colour for my taste.
Craig and Dina had been to the hotel a couple of months ago with their 7 or 8 children and had left an impression. This time they came back alone so they could enjoy the nightlife a bit more. I wasn’t particularly wanting to go out this night but as it was their last night I made the effort.
I ended up totally blitzed and as Joyce led us all out of one club to visit another in a split second I lost them and ended up alone. I can remember dancing in another club called Joy and he tattoo artist from the hotel told me the next day I was in that bar for quite a while but I can’t remember. I staggered the 40 minute walk home which must have taken me at least an hour that night as it was 3 steps right, 4 steps left, 2 steps back.
The next day I swore I was off the bevvy….again.
On my first night at the Hotel I volunteered to help Joyce with the mini-disco and so that was me stuck with it. It was ok though as it was mostly good fun but some nights the little brats drove me crazy.
Not this little chap though who was an absolute treasure. He was quite timid and stood directly in front of me every time and wouldn’t do it if I was at the other hotel. At least, someone appreciated my mini-disco efforts.
This girls below are part of a lovely family and I they were all lovely but wee Amy was a character and a half. I felt a bit sorry for the other two girls and she stole the show everywhere she went. I started doing some ‘high fives’ with her and so every time she saw me that is what we done for 90% of our time together. The other 10% was taking funny face photos which you can see in the slideshow if you are so inclined to look.
I spent quite a bit of time chatting to Brian and his family from Port Glasgow and his daughter was lovely also and kept trying to throw me in the pool, even succeeding on occasion. When I met him he said I could call him Green as that is what all his friends call him. I asked if it was because he smoked a lot of it but he said no, it was because that was his second name.
I then asked him if he was a Celtic supporter as I didn’t think a Rangers supporter would be too keen on that nickname. I got an affirmative that he was indeed from the Green half of Glasgow. So much so in fact that when Dina sung Tina Turner’s ‘The Best’, which is a song Rangers fans sing about making love with the Pope, that he got his family and went to their room rather than sit through the four minutes it would take to sing the song!
One of the evening entertainment shows was a belly dancer and I didn’t need asking twice to strut my stuff.
Anita and Trevor were their with their son Craig. It was really nice getting to know them and they had a few gifts for me before they left including a small Whisky flask and several pair of medium sized shorts that they hoped Trev could fit into but alas due to the all inclusive nature of the hotel there was a fat chance in hell of that happening. 🙂
They do a bit of DJ’ing back in Kirkcaldy and were getting as annoyed as me with the same playlist everyday at the pool. I believe Trev let them know his feelings in true no uncertain terms Scottish fashion. 🙂
One of my favourite memories of the hotel time was when Trev was putting on his shoes to go to the airport and he said ‘Goodbye feet for another year’. Classic.
Another night when I would have preferred to rest but had to go out to bid farewell to another two of my favourite guests Ami and Melissa. I ended up dancing in front of the DJ box with these shades on and whipping the crowd up to a frenzy….at least that’s how it was in my drunken mind. I blame Ami and her generosity with Tequila Slammers and no, I am not slamming her in this photo.
On another drunken stumble back to the hotel I met this crew in Bar Street. A weirder bunch it would be hard to imagine.
Speaking of weird, the next very hungover day I got issued with another costume so aid the gathering of Aqua Aerobics participants. It was funny when I had to jump into the pool to join in and my tits went flying.
I had to take a photo of this little terror. She was sweet up to a point but also unbelievably annoying. She didn’t have so much a mind of her own as an exact opposite of yours. When she was supposed to go left she went right, up she went down, forward she went backward…you get the drift but she also done it at high speed while bumping into every other child on the stage.
My god, I have never seen a girl like her before. Good luck to any man who gets involved with her when she’s older cause she will be a challenge and a half, I’m sure about that. She was Russian so we couldn’t speak much but she loved giving me ‘high fives’ that attempted to take my hand clean off. That was her main source of pleasure during her stay at the hotel.
Willie’s daughter also had a mind of her own but was at least civil with it. As an animator we had to sit with guests while we ate our meals so I sat at their table and within 2 minutes I realised that she was a sharp one. I wouldn’t be surprised to see her pop up on my TV screen many years from now as she has character in abundance.
Willie would maybe have preferred she kept her mouth shut sometimes though as he went on a Pirate boat trip and after jumping off once from the mast, he asked her if she would like to see him do it again, to which she said yes.
The second jump didn’t go so well though as he dislocated his shoulder when he hit the water. He clambered back on board the ship with his arm obviously hanging down much lower than it should have been and the guy running the boat said, “Do you want to continue with the rest of the trip or shall we get a speedboat to take you back to dry land so you can go to hospital?” Eh, tough choice.
The Bar Staff at the hotel had to be quite brave as the bar had about 20 to 30 wasps flying around the Cocktail mixtures at any given time. They also were jealous of the animators as they thought our job was easy as we just chat with guests, play in the pool and take them out drinking.
Ok, they were right but that doesn’t mean it is easy. I was totally knackered most of the time and I didn’t force them to apply for their job. They should have been more grateful because if it wasn’t for us entertaining the guests then no-one would come to the Hotel and they wouldn’t have a job to bitch about.
I mean, ok so some of them got a rash in their groin from wearing long trousers but at least they don’t have to spit fire out of their mouth!
I managed to avoid getting involved in the glass walking, fire breathing animators show that they put on every week. I also avoided going on the Bucking Bronco, or Rodeo as they called it, due to my dodgy back. The second week it was there it broke anyway and so it just became a prop for some photos with the kids.
The Scottish lass in the photo above told me she made Youtube videos and so I gave her a good lecture about following her own creativity and resisting the brain washing at school to get a job in the system. Well, I had had quite a bit of Whisky earlier in the evening.
Sian and her mother had had a bit to drink that evening too. I didn’t realise how much until I saw them appear from their room at 3 o’clock the next day and they told me they couldn’t remember posing for photos with me.
After chatting to Mother and Daughter I sat beside these two lasses and helped them polish off their Strawberry Vodka. From what I can remember it was really quite nice but I may have been in full flow talking pish mode by this stage. I didn’t see the girls at the Hotel again so perhaps they were hiding from me or asked to get moved to the Sister Hotel.
As I was totally wrecked after the Vodka I knew I needed something to soak it up as I was working the next day at 10am, so I headed out the Hotel to the Kebab shop just across the street. They put French Fries (not chips) and Gherkins in the Chicken Kebap and covered it with Tomato Sauce and Mayonnaise. I also added some really Hot Chillies to the mix every time so I sweated a lot while eating it. They definitely tasted better when pissed.
Every so often we would play some tricks on the Guests like getting them to put Shaving Foam over Balloons and then bursting them so they all got covered in it or the time I had to announce over the tannoy for everyone to gather in front of the games room for a photo opportunity and then we poured water over them. I got some serious flak over that as some of them had their precious mobiles in their hand.
There were some other occasions when I had to remember I was a gentleman and so had to try not to stare at the half naked women doing the splits during the morning gym exercises or their tits and ass bouncing at the daily Zumba.
This was a nice family from Belgium which is Joyce’s home country. They cheered loudly at the entertainment shows and joined in with enthusiasm for most activities so we certainly appreciated them although the young boy didn’t appreciate it when I said goodbye to him and accidentally bumped his ear, not knowing he had an ear infection. I felt a bit bad as he cried for about 10 minutes. Well done Billy.
Kaylee was another little star. She was a right little chatterbox which she perhaps takes from her Father Iain who performs as a Rapper in the London scene and has also travelled extensively throughout Europe to do it. Unfortunately I lost his Soundcloud page details so I can’t share his stuff with you. Well done again me.
On my first night working at the Hotel I was given the duty of hosting the Karaoke and so that continued during my time there. The thing is I usually love Karaoke because I go for the comedy songs by murdering songs very theatrically. When I am the host I can’t do that too much and so have to attempt to sing the first song as best I can, which is pretty brutal as I can’t hit a note to save myself.
I usually say that I am setting the bar really low so everyone sounds better after me and I usually don’t get much argument back about that. After I sung my main responsibility was stopping people from knocking over the projector and keeping the kids off the stage.
Maylee was a good sport and was first to get on after me. She in fact got onstage a few times and some people complained because by the time they had enough to drink to sing the night was over. At least she had a half decent voice although I do think Karaoke in general should be for drunken tuneless people rather than wannabe X-Factor contestants.
Ian is an Opera singer so needless to say he impressed everyone more than just a bit. Emily got a bit carried away in her appreciation though but I don’t think Ian complained too much.
I had to visit the Hotel Nurse on a few occasions because the skin on the end of my big toes had cracked and I needed a top up of cream and fresh bandages on them as playing Water Polo wasn’t the best way to keep them dry. Eventually I learned and had to stay out the pool for a few very hot days.
This couple from Wales deserve a special mention, not only for their dress sense but also because they are extremely generous people. For instance, they brought lots of chocolate and snacks from the UK which they freely shared but also because they brought lots of good quality alcohol from Duty Free. Their room was next to the bar so they kept popping in their to bring out another bottle and dished it out to guests and bar staff alike, getting them well pissed in the process.
They also pay regular visits to an African country to bring them school supplies and many other items from the UK to help the population there and are treated like local celebrities each time they come. They even met the countries Minister of Education regarding the work they do, so well done to them, it good to cut out the Middle Men of certain Charities which take a lot and pass on too little.
I have to give a HUGE shout out to this lovely family of Sandie, Jackie and Lucy. The Sisters were on holiday together with their children as they had just been through 16 months of Hell with Sandie’s husbands Cancer battle. It was an incredibly sad series of events they had to endure and if anyone needed a holiday they sure did.
They asked me if I could get anything from the UK what would it be and so I said to them tassle’s for my Sporran as I had lost two of them when I wore my Kilt at New Year at King Bar.
I explained to them that I wanted to wear my Kilt for my wedding and to have one tassle dropping down would look very lonely so Sandie said she would do an online search and send them to me if she found some. We agreed it would be better to buy a set of three as to get an exact match could be difficult.
Two days before my wedding a parcel arrived which not only had 3 tassle’s but a whole sporran inside, complete with Rabbit Fur. It is a real cracker and much appreciated. Thanks Sandie, as I said before, you’re a STAR. xx
If truth be told there were one or two things about the job that were niggling me a bit but when I got told that if I was 1 minute late I would have to work all day Sunday, instead of just the evening, then that was the straw that broke the camel’s back and I decided to leave there and then. Within 2 days I had something else lined up.
I went out on my last night there with Joyce and Eddie who were on Bar Street duty that night as they were the two staff members who I got closest to and who I will miss the most. Eddie (his English name obviously) is a thoroughly decent chap and who regularly gets rave reviews from guests (not just the Ladies :-)) in Trip advisor and for good reason as he always creates a good atmosphere and is a great host.
All the animation staff work hard though and as I said although the job is fun, it can be extremely tiring, especially when you have been out until 3 the night before on the drink. I usually left at 1am though because I could only take about one hours worth of the trance music they play in the clubs before I wanted to go on a mass shooting spree, so I thought it best to leave at that point.
Umut goes to Bar Street nearly every night and I’ve no idea how he does that, mind you, he is 20 years younger than me so I think that is an advantage.
When Chico saw my pink glasses he commandeered and that was basically that. They did suit him better anyway. 😉
Lokman uses the nickname of ‘Lucky’ at the Hotel, and I think he got that before he had to share a room with me. 🙂
Eddie and Lucky also helped with the kids ‘Train Dance on occasion which was my favourite song of the mini-disco, basically because it was the last one and I was knackered by that time.
The Videos
Here is a collection of all the videos I shot during my time there, most of which I have linked to in the text above somewhere.
The Photos
I took a hellavu lot of photos from my time there but I had to leave some out otherwise I’d still be writing this by the time next years summer season comes along. It was a great experience and I’d like to thank everyone I met for welcoming me to the hotel, be them staff or guests.
In my next blog, I will go into the next stage of my Marmaris adventure.
Cheers!
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