A’ didnae want tae get left behind
Somewhere, a’ dinnae ken where
So a’ spent a bloody fortune
On a high tech personal computer
But ever since a’ bought it
A’ cannae find the time
Tae dae anythin’ but search fur porn
Tell me, is that a crime?
A’ sometimes wish it were
Cause a’ cannae pull masel away
A’ sit there cock in hand
Fur at least 10 hoors a day
The quality is spectacular
A’ve got high grade resolution
The only problem is
A’m headin’ fur an institution
Fur when a’ click upon a link
That says anal sex
A’ flip ma lid when a’m taken tae
Anothir page wi’ nu’hin’ but text
Aw a’ want tae see is a woman
Wi’ a penis up her bum
Or at the very least, a man
Bendin’ ower fur his chum
That isnae tae much tae hope fur, is it?
A computer that doesnae lie
It’s bad enough that it’s main function
Is tae act like a government spy
But when a’ do eventually find a site
That isnae really lame
A’ then wank masel intae a frenzy
Until ma wife comes hame
Fur a’ dinnae want her tae catch me at it
In case she expects some attention
Nu’hin’ is goin’ tae come between me
An’ the wurlds greatest porn invention
Sure, sure, she cooks ma dinner
An’ tidies up aroond the hoose
But she cannae bring me pleasure
Like ma domesticated moose
Cause sex wi’ the missus
Nae longer turns me on
An’ it’s no’ cause since we got married
She’s gained eleven stone
An’ it’s no’ because she doesnae shave
Her armpits or her beard
It’s because ma Willy winnae get hard
Unless it’s watching su’hin’ weird
So a’ noo spend half oor income
On toilet paper alone
An’ obviously a’ use maest ae it
When a’m on the wankin’ throne
A’ve even had tae remove the basket
That usually absorbs ma sin
An’ a’ve had tae replace it
Wi’ a fuckin’ wheelie bin
A’ do get slightly embarrassed
When the dustmen come tae pick it up
An’ a huge mass ae rock hard pink bog roll
Slides oot intae the truck
The neighbours are astounded
They dinnae ken where tae look
By the way they look at me
Ye’d ‘hink a’ were a crook
Maybe they’ve got a point
As a’m really startin’ tae worry
Where will this perversion lead?
An’ believe me, it’s goin’ there in a fuckin’ hurry
Maybe ye will come tae see me
In aboot 6 months time
But a’ll be in the dock getting sentenced
Fur a Gary Glitter crime
Not fur molesting pre-pubescents
A’ mean, that’s jist malign
A’ meant fur lookin’ at child porn
Come on, there is a line
“It wiznae ma fault yer Honour”
A’ would plead as a’m led away
“A’ had ran oot ae decent options
Cause a’ wank 10 hoors a day
Ok, ok, a’ will go quietly
As long as ye promise me yin ‘hing
That a’ kin still get access
Tae the adult porno ring”
A’ often wun’er whit ma Granny
Watchin’ fae Heaven would ‘hink
Aftir watchin’ me masturbate
Ma ‘hale life doon the sink
‘Well was it worth it little one?’
A’ kin almost hear her say
An’ a’d reply, ‘Sure it wiz Grandma,
A’ kin noo wank in peace, 24 hours a day’
An’ a’ wouldnae hae tae worry
Aboot pleasin’ any womans need
A’d also be daein’ ma wife a favour
By discardin’ ma every fertile seed
Cause the last ‘hing she needs
Is her child callin’ me their Paw
A’ hiv got enough tae deal wi’
In jist keepin’ me oot the arms ae the Law
A’ wouldnae be able tae stop masel
Fae installin’ ma every bad habit
The kid would be a waster by the time it wiz five
An’ ma wife would be at least doubly crabbit
So a’ am tryin’ desperately tae turn ower a new leaf
As a’ hiv recently heard aboot nae fap
But wi’ unlimited access tae unbridled porn
It’s practically impossible, no’ tae play wi’ ma little chap
Cheers the noo!
Donate
