A’ had jist got aff the bus
When ma Willy began tae itch
A’ didnae care hoo it looked
A’ had tae gie it a serious twitch
That didnae solve the problem
In fact, it made it worse
So a ’ took a look at ma dick
An’ screamed, ‘Help, a’ need a Nurse!’
A’ then felt it startin’ tae burn
So a’ ran tae the nearest John
Stuck ma hand doon the bog
An’ splashed the water on
Nu’hin’ has ever felt better
A’ thought it wiz goin’ tae ignite
Flames burstin’ oot ae ma cock
Would hae given me an awfy fright
A’ then inspected ma Knob further
Ma foreskin wiz in a really bad way
Even worse when a’ pulled it back
Ma purple helmet wiz on holiday
It wiz covered wi’ a bright green fungus
The kind ye dinnae see doon the park
If someone had switched the lichts oot
It would hae glowed in the fuckin’ dark
A’ nearly broke doon in tears
Whit had happened tae ma dick?
A’ thought, ‘A’d better get tae Hospital
Super duper quick’
A’ wiz telt tae take a seat and wait
Fur whit seemed like fifty hoors
This time ma cock did ignite
So a’ used the water fae some flooers
A bonny nurse then took me
Tae the STD department
If ma cock wiz in workin’ order
A’d hae asked her back tae ma apartment
In fact a’ thought she fancied me
When she telt me tae drop ma drawers
An’ get spread-eagled on the bed
So she could perform her chores
A’ realised ma mistake
When ma cock discharged some pus
A’ had mare chance ae gettin’ a shag
Fae the driver ae that bus
“Mmmm, that’s unusual”, she said
“I haven’t seen that before
Have you been having sex with beasts?”
“Well, ma last ride looked like a Wild Boar”
“You are no oil painting yourself”, she said
A’ ‘hink she wiz a feminist
“Never mind that, whit aboot ma dick?”
“Well, you’ll need a standing order for your Chemist”
That wiz some time ago
Ma dick is noo in perfect health
A’ didnae visit any Chemist
Big Pharma has enough ill-gotten wealth
Instead, a’ went tae see Mad Doctor Rab
Whae operates fae the boozer
He telt me that every nicht fur a month
A’ should stick ma dick inside a hoover
Noo, a’ ken whit ye must be ‘hinkin’
Cause at first a’ wiz the same
A’ thought, ‘Either this cunt’s just kiddin’ me on
Or else he’s totally insane’
But whit dae ye ken, it came up a treat
It’s noo as guid as new
There was even a positive side-effect
A’m sure a’ gained a millimetre or two
Aye, that’s richt, ma dick is that small
That a’ notice the minutest ae expansion
A’ jist hope the next burd that takes ma cock
Willnae inflict me wi’… spontaneous combustion
Cheers the noo!
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