A’ used tae live near a fitba’ groond
That ae East Stirlingshire F.C
Ye had tae pay 12 poond tae get in
A’ ‘hink they should hae let ye in fur free
Cause they hardly ever won a game
Their style ae fitba’ wiz quite bleak
So ma life wiznae tae affected
By huge crowds every week
In fact half ae ma neighbours
Didnae ken aboot the groond at aw
But maest ae them were Heroin addicts
Wi’ mare interest in a spoon than a ba’
But a’ll nae hear a bad wurd against them
They aye’ways helped me oot when ma TV got nicked
So quick did they find an exact replacement
A’ wun’ered if the Heroin made them psychic
A’ thought alcohol wiz the only drug
That turned ye intae a Seer
When ye ‘hink ye are goin’ tae be sick
Indeed, ye aye’ways bring up that Beer
Yin time while livin’ there, a’ had a hangover
That wiz sae bad ye wouldnae believe
Ye could hae set fire tae ma bed
An’ a’ still wouldnae ae been able tae leave
So a’ didnae make it intae wurk that day
A’ guess that comes as nae surprise
It also pit paid tae ma chances
Ae gettin’ ma guid attendance rise
Eventually a’ felt almost human
A’ had gie’en masel’ a scare
But the hoose was noo rancid wi’ puke and farts
A’ badly needed some fresh air
As a’ wiz officially on the sick fae wurk
A’ had tae be careful where tae go
So a’ went tae watch East Stirlingshire
It wiz the safest place tae lie low
But when a’ entered the groond
A’ couldnae believe ma eyes
A’ am sure fae Mars or Jupiter
Ye could hae heard ma cries
“Whit are the television cameras dain’ here?”
A’ screamed an’ bared ma teeth
“It’s no’ like they are playin’ Real Madrid
They are playing fuckin’ Cowdenbeath
The only people remotely interested
Are already bloody here
God, why dae ye keep fuckin’ wi’ me?
It’s nae wu’ner a’ drink hun’ers ae beer”
As the crowd was obviously sparse
A’ tried tae hide behind a regular Shire fan
A’ explained tae him the situation
But he jist telt me tae, “Be a fucking man”
So a’ decided tae brave it oot
Although a’ must hae been mad
Cause the quality ae the fitba
Made castration seem no’ that bad
Maybe that’s why that street
Has sae many drug users
They went tae watch the Shire
An’ turned intae serial self abusers
Cause the Shire aye’ways finish Bottom
Ae the Bottom division every year
They are sae bad that when they score a goal
Opposin’ fans gie a sarcastic cheer
Every season they aim tae get oot ae their rut
An’ try tae string a few wins taegethir
But there is mare chance ae Scotland
Bein’ famous fur guid weather
A’ dinnae ken whae are the biggest losers
Ma neighbours, the fans or the team
Fur none ae them will ever succeed
Wi’ their addictive fantasy pipe dream
When a’ went tae wurk the next day
A’ wiz cawed intae the bosses office
He’d saw me at the game, so tae keep ma job
A’ had tae offer him a vacant orifice
Well a’ certainly wiznae that desperate
So a’ telt him tae tae get tae fuck
Two weeks wi’oot pay later
A’ wiz back there tryin’ ma luck
Cheers the noo!
Donate
