See ma wife’s drivin’
It’s an absolute nichtmare
Nae matter where we go
A’ hiv grave doobts aboot oor gettin’ there
A’ try tae sit in silence
Allowin’ her tae tak control
But then she hiz tae go an’ spoil it
By findin’ every fuckin’ pothole
A’ dinnae want tae infuriate her
By tellin’ her hoo tae drive
A’ jist want tae get oot the car
While a’ am still alive
At the end ae the road
Or if red traffic lichts are aheed
She begins tae accelerate
So a’ tell her she’s aff her heed
This only makes ‘hings worse
Noo she’s angry while behind the wheel
Aw that kin save me noo
Is guid fortune an’ rusty steel
Fur the rest ae the journey a’ sit
Wi’ sweaty palms an’ nervous feet
A’ ‘hink she gets some secret pleasure
Fae watchin’ me squirm in the red hot seat
Her speciality is on the motorway
When drivin’ behind, say…a removal van
She waits until a’ am calm an’ serene
Then get’s as close as she fuckin’ can
‘Please slow doon’, a’ beg her
‘Or at least indicate tae overtake’
A’ asked her if she fucked her examiner
A’ ‘hink we kin aw agree…that wiz a big mistake
Noo she’s goin’ hell fur leathir
Ye ken, ye get used tae whiplash aftir a while
An’ a’ guess it wiz mare than a bit ironic
That a’ let oot a breakneck smile
We’ve no’ got far tae go noo
A’ ‘hink a’ am goin’ tae survive
So until the next time a’ need a lift hame fae the pub
A’ swear, she’s no’ goin’ tae drive
A’ prefer tae be the yin in control
Only problem is, a’m in the pub nearly every day
Goin’ hame aftir wurk, a’ pop in for a pint
It’s no’ ma fault the boozer is on the way
She has tae get the bus tae come an’ pick me up
The barman aye’ways takes awa’ ma keys
So tae get the courage tae let her drive
A’ hiv tae get that drunk, a’m practically on ma knees
Cheers the noo!
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