Anothir Scottish winter
If ye wanted tae go ootside
Ye had tae become a sprinter
So a’ said,“Bugger this
Let’s treat oorselves this year”
So a’ went an’ booked a holiday
Fur me an’ ma precious dear
The day afore we went
Ma mothir gave uz a call
“Enjoy yourself,” she said
“But don’t get into any brawl
Remember your last holiday
When you got a bad reaction
To spilling someone’s beer
And you ended up in traction”
“Oh aye, thanks fur remindin’ me maw
But that wiznae the cause ae that
It wiz cause a’ telt him
That a’ thoucht his burd wiz fat”
She also said tae me,
“Remember at all cost
To turn your water off
Cause we’re expecting frost”
But a’ a’m tired ae gettin’ lectured
Every time she caws
So a’ had stopped listenin’
An’ wiz playin’ wi’ ma ba’s
A’ wish a’d paid mare attention
Tae her soond advice
Cause by no’ takin’ precautions
A’ paid the ultimate price
Fur on returnin’ fae oor holiday
We were totally shocked
The ceilin’ had a hole in it
An’ the flaer squeaked whirevir ye walked
“Aaaarrgghhh, a’ forgot tae renew the insurance”
Wiz the first‘hing that a’ said
Ma wife gave me a lang hard look
That implied a’ wuid soon be dead
“You had better be joking”
She said wi’ nae hint ae a smile
“Or else you’ d better get your trainers on
And run a country mile”
“Aye, aye, ae course a’ am jokin’ sweetheart
Ye dinnae worry aboot a‘hing
Jist ye stay wi’ yer ma this week
While a’ try tae get rid ae the ming”
A’ then went an’ rummaged
Through ma neighboors bin
A’ had tae somehoo raise the cash
Tae get the builders in
A’ went roond the ‘hale estate
But the bin men had come that day
Isn’t that bloody typical?
Nu’hin’ goes ma way
The next day a’ pit aw oor savings
On a lang shot runnin’ at three o’ clock
Got doon on ma knees an’ prayed
Jist yince fur a pleasant shock
A’ dinnae ken why a’ bothired
God doesnae even ken a’ exist
Or if he does, whit hiv a’ done
Tae mak him sae bloody pissed?
There wiz only yin solution left
It wiz the yin a’ wiz dreadin’
It wiz doon tae the docks
Tae get ma arse cheeks a-spreadin’
A’ want ye aw tae ken
A’ got no’ yin second ae pleasure
Fae the reamin’s a’ took
Tae get the required treasure
At least ma wife nevir foond oot
Whit an arsehole a’d been
When in an emergency, a’d used the renewal form
Tae wipe ma bum clean
Cheers the noo!
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