People are aye’ways tellin’ me
That a’ ‘hink a’m a funny cunt
So a’ tried stand up comedy
Tae get famous, tae be blunt
A’ decided no’ tae bother
Tae write some funny shit
Whit, wi’ ma natural charm an’ patter
A’ thought a’ could jist ‘wing it’
Tae get intae the mood
A’ had a drink or two
The othir acts were pretty guid
A’ realised then a’ wiz in deep stew
Fortunately though, a’ wiznae short fur wurds
As a’d polished aff a half bottle ae rum
Unfortunately, they came oot like gobbledygook
A’ guess a’ shouldnae hae popped the Valium
Aftir some brief hallucinations
A’ kind ae got masel’ taegethir
A’ explained that a’m an artist
An’ a’m no’ there jist tae blether
So a’ telt the crood aboot the time
A’ got ma baby as pissed as a skunk
Cause a’ fuckin’ hate a sober person bein’ aroond
When a’m tryin’ tae get drunk
But they didnae get the punchline
They were mare concerned aboot the child
A’ said, “Hey look, it’s ma bairn
A’m bringing it up tae be wild”
They started tae get restless
Why? A’ dinnae ken
So tae win them back, a’ told them hoo
A’ make luv tae ma dug, Ben
They didnae take tae well tae that
They were intae animal richts
A’ said, “A’ thought dugs were man’s best friend
Especially on ‘sleep on the sofa’ nichts”
At this point some geezer shouted
He said a’ wiz a ‘disgrace tae humanity’
Whit’s the deal with these arseholes
Whae cannae laugh at a bit ae vulgarity?
They didnae take tae well tae that
They were intae animal richts
A’ said, “A’ thought dugs were man’s best friend
Especially on ‘sleep on the sofa’ nichts”
At this point some geezer shouted
He said a’ wiz a ‘disgrace tae humanity’
Whit’s the deal with these arseholes
Whae cannae laugh at a bit ae vulgarity?
Ae course a’ wiz jist jokin’
A’ dinnae actually fuck ma dug
A’ gave that PC prick a brutal retort
But a’ wished a jist laughed him aff wi’ a shrug
Cause the fuckin’ Polis soon arrived
Su’hin’ tae dae wi’ the anti-terrorism act
Thankfully a’ managed tae dodge them
Well, a’ started a ficht, tae be exact
When the place wiz in an uproar
A’ got shown a way oot the back
A Booncer whae kens ma mother
Decided tae cut me some slack
It jist goes tae show
Never judge a book by its cover
Even Booncer’s hae their soft side
Some may even be a tender lover
But wherevir a’ go it’s the same
People dinnae un’erstan’ me
A’ hiv got guid intentions
They ‘hink they jist get whit they see
Ok, ok, so sometimes a’ terrorise the neighborhood
Wi’ ma drinkin’ an’ ma spew
An’ so whit if the audience didnae find me funny
It wiz ma comedy debut
But a’ hiv got a heart ae gold
It hiz jist went a little astray
A’ didnae mean tae knock that geezer oot
When a’ threw that glass ashtray
But a’ got whit a’ wanted
At least tae some degree
Cause ma face is noo plastered aw ower the News
Let me tell ye, fame…..isnae aw it’s cracked up tae be
Cause noo a’ hiv tae live life on the run
The dude didnae recover fae his broken skull
But whit pains me maest, is that a’ tried ma’ best
An’ that fuckin’ stuck up audience…were no’ in the least bit grateful
Cheers!
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