A’ had yin goal in life
Tae be a Rock and Roll Star
Mainly, jist tae get a sexy wife
An’ a’ couldnae face the Rat Race
The ‘real’ world wiz no’ fur me
Gettin’ a job wiz no’ an option
Especially wi’ ma CV
So a’ tried tae learn guitar
A’ practiced half an hoor a night
But in the end a’ had tae admit
Ma playin’ was fuckin’ shite
So a’ gave that up an’ a’ telt ma friends
That a’ wiz born tae sing
An’ that Elvis would soon be kent
As the ex-King
But a’ve got a voice like a goose
Fartin’ in the fog
A’d hae settled fur bein’ a Prince
Instead ae a tuneless frog
So a’ started usin’ heavy drugs
An’ drinking lots ae lager
A’ thought by dain’ that
A’ could be the new Mick Jagger
It turns oot the Rock and Roll lifestyle
Really isnae that cool
A’ couldnae function properly
Aw a’ could dae wiz drool
The doctors took me awa’
Tae try an’ cure ma addiction
Unfortunately they couldnae fix
Ma Rock Star fantasy affliction
Fur in the ward a’ didnae sing sae much
As whistle tae the moon
A’ wiznae allowed tae eat ma food
Wi’ anythin’ othir than a spoon
But the ‘hing that kept uz goin’
Wiz the thought ae Rock Stardom
It wiz the only ‘hing that could save me
Fae turnin’ oot a bum
So when a’ got released
A’ organized a tour
An’ a’ ignored aw the skeptics
Whae want me tae stay poor
Ma friends were a case in point
They said a’ wiz a ‘no talent’ nutcase
So a’ took some singin’ lessons
Tae wipe the smile aff their face
Three hun’er poond, fur ten lessons
Tae try an’ turn a frog intae a Prince
But nae matter hoo hard a’ tried
A’ wiz still a bag ae mince
The teacher wiz quite patient
A’ assured her a’ wiznae takin’ the piss
But she called it aff after just twa lessons
Sayin’, “30 pound an hour is not worth this”
But by that time it wiz tae late
A’ had tae dae whit a’d said
So a’ done a tour ae Karaoke bars
Wi’ bottles flyin’ past ma head
Even semi-conscious
A’ still gie it aw a’ve got
Ye’d be surprised at hoo quickly
Booze thinned blood kin clot
If only a’ hadnae built masel up tae be
Su’hin that a’m not
Fur a’ll never be a Rock Star
A’m fuckin’ much mare talented than that lot
Some day a’ll be discovered
Fur the genius that a’ am
Fur whae else kin sing, ‘Heartbreak Hotel’
While drinkin’ lager fae a can?
So a’ve decided tae audition
Fur that X-Factor dude
He’ll flip his lid when he hears me sing
Providin’ he’s no’ a prude
Then he’ll mastermind ma Pop career
A’ll make it big across The Pond
Then ma dream will hae come true
When a’ Marry, a Big Titted Blonde
Cheers the noo!
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