A’ wiz kicking a ba’
A’ practiced every day
As if it wiz the law
A’ got signed up tae play
Fur a team that wiz good
But a’ didnae dae as well
As a’ probably should
Cause the manager thought
He wiz Jock Stein
Except he had the management skills
Ae a’ Mr Bean
If, by half time
We wernae winning 5-0
He’d start his team talk
Wi’ a loud girlie shrill
Then he’d start going mental
Throwin’ Ribena everywhere
We had tae play the second half
Wi’ purple stains in oor hair
A’ wiz yin ae those players
Whae needed tae hear
Wurds ae encouragement
In ma young ear
Like, “Relax Nob son,
I’ve got faith in you
Just go out there
And do what you do”
The last ‘hing a’ needed
Wiz a psychopath
Threatenin’ tae droon me
In the dressing room bath
Yin time he screamed,
“Nob, have you no sense?
What the hell are you doing,
Dribbling the ball out of defence?
Why don’t you give it some Wellie?
Or are you trying to make me glower?
Do you know you’re Nob Stewart?
Not Franz Beckenbauer!”
A’ wiz like “Leave me alone,
Dinnae ye ken a’m only Nine?
A’ dinnae come here
Jist tae listen tae yoo whine
A’ ken why ye’re angry,
It’s cause ye’ve never had a burd”
A’ve aye’ways had tae hae
The last killer word
“Right that’s it young man
You’re oot the team”
Were the last wurds
A’ heard him scream
Cause then a’ kicked a ba’
A’ smashed it aff his face
He micht hae been the boss
But ma boots he couldnae lace
A’ then joined anothir team
That wiz honestly pretty naff
But the main ‘hing wiz
We had a damn guid laugh
As fate would hae it
We played ma auld team in the cup
We got beat twa – yin
But a’ played well an’ held ma’ head up
Ma auld boss came up tae me
At the games end
Tae shake ma hand
Like some long lost friend
He said his life had changed
An’ he had me tae thank
Cause wiz noo livin wi’
Some burd called Frank
Cheers the noo!
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