Ma wife has thrown me oot oor house
She said she needed a break
Apparently noo it’s no’ only afore sex
That a’ gie her a fuckin’ headache
So a’ had tae hit the streets
Tae try an’ find some shelter
A’ turned doon yin offer fae a cult
Whae wanted me tae sing Helter Skelter
But a’ did get intae the Salvation Army quarters
It’s even better than hain’ ma aen flat
As they gie ye free food an’ shelter
Wi’ nae fear ae goin’ intae combat
A’ve been there quite a while noo
Maybe it’s time a’ break the ties
But it’s very hard tae dae
Cause a’m addicted tae their mince pies
A’ still cannae afford a place ae ma aen
An’ a’ kin live there fur free
They tuck me in wi’ a blanket
An’ wake me up wi’ a cup ae tea
A’ ken a’ am a bit rough aroond the edges
But they are kind hearted souls
Tae help waifs an’ strays
Is their life achievement goals
Their hospitality is pure legendary
A’ cannae speak high enough ae it
Ok, ok, so it’s got its doonside
What, wi’ aw that religious shit
But a’ve grown tae love singin’ Hymns
The Christian Songbook is a riot
An’ the mare songs a’ sing fae it
Improves the portions ae ma diet
Anytime ae the day or nicht
We’re encouraged tae sing
But when a’ started singin’ Devil’s music
They shoved a poker up ma ring
They then insisted a’ got baptized
So a’ had tae sell ma soul tae stay in their pad
They said, Jesus would save me noo
A’ said, “Aye? Well, that’ll make Satan glad”
So noo a’ preach the wurd ae God
Tae any hungry desperado
If a’ manage tae convert them
A’ get an Avocado
A’ really dinnae ken if a’ like the new me
Or if a’ prefer the auld
But a’ jist ken if it wiznae fur God
A’ would die ae the bubonic cold
Which a’ guess is a bit ironic
As Heaven must be a lot colder than Hell
Thankfully the shelter pays their ‘leccy
An’ dinnae seem tae mind ma sulphuric smell
But even though a’ hiv repented
A’ ken Hell’s where a’ll be goin’
Even the spillin’ ae Jesus’s blood
Couldnae stop the reap a’ve been sowin’
A’ dae wish ma wife would let me
Back intae oor hoose
But she said first a’ hae tae get a grip
On ma drink an’ drug abuse
A’ wu’ner hoo she’ll like it
When a’ turn up Born Again
A’ve got a feeling she’ll demand
A’ get back on the cocaine
Cause she’s nae Angel, let me tell ye
She’s got a look that could kill
So in the meantime a’ ‘hink a’ll stay put
As long as the Sally Army, dinnae hit me wi’ a bill
The Photos
Cheers the noo!
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