Music

Have you heard the music on the radio recently?

Hardly any of the so called artists can write a song or even play an instrument.

They all get told what to sing and then they have to perfect their dance routines.

Whatever happened to good music with good lyrics?

Lyrics with powerful social comment and philosophical meanderings?

Like the Rolling Stones “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”

Or The Who “People try to put us down, talking about My Generation”

Or The Beatles, John Lennon wrote some fucking great Lyrics,

“Goo Goo a joob a goo goo a joob, I am the Walrus”

You know, deep philosophical lyrics… well, after about 3 acid tabs. He then goes on to sing about Cornflakes and Semolina, at which point, he loses even me a bit, I have to tell you.

John, you done way too much acid mate so we’ll forgive you for Yoko Ono.

But not many people know that Faul McCartney actually done at least twice as much acid as John. How else would you explain the Frog Chorus? Dinnae watch that video on acid that’s all I am saying. Talk about putting you on a downer.

BREAKS MY HEART

It breaks my heart when I go into a record shop and see 30 year old women purchasing the latest Britney Spears CD or whatever other pile of shite the record industry have decided to shove down our throat, that particular week.

Then Madonna snogs Britney at the MTV Award thing. You know why she done that don’t you? It wasn’t just cause they are desperate for attention.

No Maddonna was actually symbolically passing on Satans semen to the next generation of mind controlled zombie whores who will pollute your mind and corrupt your children with their homosexual pedophilic agenda.

While you dance to it.

While waiting for men with good hair and earrings to come and sweep you off your feet.

Meanwhile the few straight men that are left are all standing at the bar, trying to get pissed enough to :

A. Pretend they like the soulless Satan worshiping music the speakers are spewing forth.

B. Get the balls to go and ask one of the heartless beasts to dance to that shite music.

C. Find deep reserves of courage to do this in front of their mates.

Mates, who will all be jealous as hell if they succeed because it will show up their own inept chatting up skills or rather lack of beer.

Personally, when I was on the singles scene I had my doubts about whether or not it was worth lowering myself to that level, just to get a shag, but after a couple of months without it, I’d try anything.

But most of the time when you do eventually get the courage to ask her, she tells you to “Piss off, you’re too drunk”
“I’m too drunk? Of course I’m too drunk. What do you think I’m doing asking to dance with a Michelle McManus fan? I just want to get my fucking hole!!”

One time I’d had about 12 pints, 2 bags of speed, an ecstacy and about 5 joints and my friend gave me the nickname ‘The Pinball Wizard’. Cause I bounced off every bird in the nightclub trying to get a dance. Turns out one bird was pretty desperate that night cause just before the club shut at 3am she agreed to dance with me. Turns out I married the bitch. There is a lesson in there for us all.

For those of you that don’t know Michelle McManus is Scotlands answer to Pavarotti. Not for her vocal technique just because she is fat as fuck. Ye ken, and good luck to her, good luck to her. If she offered it tae me in a nightclub I certainly wouldn’t be turning her doon…..cause she’s probably loaded…… and I don’t mean just with chips.

GROUNDHOG DAY

My local pub, still to this day, is like groundhog day every single week without fail. Same people, same songs, in the same order every week. They’ve got a cheek to have a DJ!!!

Why doesn’t he just stick his tape in for an identical re-run of last week. You’d think people would get bored of listening to Tiffany every Friday and Saturday for 15 years, but no every week at quarter to twelve “I think we’re alone now”. No we’re not but we wish you were alone with your music in a coffin. I mean, we’re supposed to be evolving; at least they could keep up to date and maybe play some fucking Bob The Builder now and again

The sad thing is I look forward to hearing the Tiffany song. That’s one of the better tunes of the night. That’s why I goto that pub cause they play the best music in the toon. Good time party tunes. If you are lucky they may even play a Shawaddy Waddy number.

The rest of the pubs are trying to stay hip and happening by playing the likes of Pink, Lilly Allen, Rhiannon and Beyonce and the people who want to listen to that music make me want tae puke. So I avoid those pubs like the plague.

SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES

Have you ever seen the film Josie and the Pussycats. It’s quite a good film about subliminal messages in music. I’m convinced they actually do that and I have proof.

For instance at the start of the Robbie Williams song Rock DJ, the subliminal message is, “You’ve just won the lottery, you’ve just won the lottery” cause every one fucking loses it when that comes on….and surely, it can’t be cause it’s a great track. People are not that tasteless surely? I will give them the benefit of the doubt.

COOL SONGS AND BANDS

Although I must admit there are a couple of ‘uncool songs’ that I have to dance to when I hear them, I just can’t stop myself. The one with the most powerful effect on me is that bloody Shania Twain song – ‘The best thing about being a woman….’ God I love that song. Bloody Shania Twain, she’s ruining my street cred.

I used to make up cool tapes to go on holiday with and educate my friends and the rest of the hotel and well, the resort as well (cause I played them that loud). Well one tape I made up for a holiday in Cyprus about 15 years ago now that was particularly awesome, everyone loved it but I put a Madonna song in there – Into The Groove.

One of my mates couldn’t understand what that song was doing on such a great tape, he said,

“Fuck’s sake Billy, what the fuck’s Madonna doing on that tape, that’s sacrilege.”

I never defended myself, I prefer to keep my mouth shut sometimes but I read an interview with Sonic Youth a couple of months ago that they used to cover that song. And friends and journalists asked them if it was a pisstake. They said, “No, they genuinely loved the song. It was a great pop record.”

And just for the record, I agree. Never let perceived cool cloud your judgement is always the way to go, so there.

Just in case you are interested here is a list of a few other ‘uncool’ songs that I love.
1) Kylie – Can’t Get You Out Of My Head
2) Cyndi Lauper – Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
3) Madonna – Like a Prayer
4) Erasure – Victim of Love
5) Oasis – Rock and Roll Star

WHO IS THE COOLEST

Do you ever get into conversations with people when nobody really listens to the other person, both of you are just trying to show how cool you are?

“What Cd’s you bought recently?”

“Oh I’ve been listening to Captain Beefheart and his Magic Band”

“Oh aye, no bad, but have you heard any King Crimson or Moby Grape?”

“Aye, they’re pretty cool man, but what about the Mothers of Invention or Funkadelic?”

This goes on for about 20 minutes; in the end I just freak the other guy out by saying,

“Aye man, I hear you, Chocolate Watch Band are a good band, ‘I’M Not like anybody else’ is a classic track, but you took the time to actually listen to any Westlife?”

“Fuck man, no way, what drugs are you on?”

ROCK AND ROLL STAR

I used to want to be a rock and roll star that was my big goal in life.

A word of advice to anyone who may want to try that themselves.

Learn the instrument first, before trying to live the lifestyle. You will find that saves you a lot of heartache.

I used to take acid and meet people in pubs and introduce myself like “Hi, I’m Billy Watson and I am going to be a rock and roll star.” They looked at me like “No, you’re and arsehole… and stop staring at my girlfriends tits or I will knock you out.”

I used to take a lot of LSD. So much in fact that my drug dealer, dodgy geezer type chap, didn’t want to sell me any more gear in case I done myself permanent damage. You should take that as a sign to stop when your drug dealer is more worried about your health than his profit margin.

For about a year, every night I used to take a tab or six then pick up the bass guitar and try to learn it. After about 30 minutes fucking around, I was like,
“Ok, I think I’d better put that down and lie down on the floor for the next 8 hours and stare at the artexing. Wow, Rock and Roll, eh?”

Eh No, victim of media propaganda and general loser actually.

The guy downstairs from me hated me. He hated me with a passion. One time my drug dealer wanted to stash 20 bags of speed in my flat and the guy downstairs phoned the police on me. Obviously he wasn’t as big a Bruce Springsteen fan as I was. I nearly shat myself when the police turned up.

I was facing 20 years. But they were cool and just told me to turn the music down. When they left I was state of shock so instead of 20 years I had 20 beers. Just to calm down….and it worked. Cause by the end of the night I was in a coma. Rock and roll, eh?

Er no, just a bawbag who cannae handle his swallae.

So as Guitar was too difficult to learn. I thought I’d try being a rock singer. Now, I am the worst singer in the history of the universe but I can show off a bit like Mick Jagger. So I thought if I could learn to sing, I’d be a superstar. Anything to get out of my day job. That was my motto. I think at this point next thing on the list was rent boy.

So I went to a lady who was a trained opera singer, I mean she sang with the best there is in Italy and all that. So she wasn’t cheap. I paid her £300 up front for 10 weeks lessons. An hour a visit.

For a whole hour we would try to get me to hit two notes. Then I’d go away and practice for a week, come back and we’d still be at the same bit.

After a few weeks of this the women called it off, saying “Oh please stop, £30 an hour is not worth this”

MUSIC FOR MY WORKMATES

Sometimes I would bring CD’s into work. The guys I worked beside are quite intolerant of any kind of music that isn’t radio friendly. They pretend to be quite hip and happening, like they’re into Oasis. Aye, sure.

I quite like some German bands from the late 60’s early 70’s and I played one of them and it’s very beautiful music and they started off saying,
“Aye Billy, that’s no’ bad, we’ll give you that one.” but then the guy started singing ….in German,

“German! That’s German music. Hells Bells Billy, get that off. I’d rather listen to fingernails on a blackboard than to listen to anything German. We don’t want to expand our jingoistic paramaters. We like being british and listening to good British music. I’d rather listen to Phil Collins in English than to listen to anything German. Britain didn’t conquer the world to have to listen to any foreign fucking music, you know. Here stick some Abba on. ”

REBELLIOUS POP STARS…NOT

I’m also tired of these so called rebellious rock stars like Liam Gallagher and Pete Docherty. “Oh Mammy I’m scared”.

They set a bad example for the kids who think it’s cool or rebellious to take drugs.

Let me say once and for all taking drugs does not make you cool or rebellious.

Cool and rebellious in my book is helping old ladies carrying their shopping bags home and then offering to fuck their brains out.

Cool and rebellious is washing your dad’s car for him for free!!! Don’t expect a brand new computer just for helping out. Instead take the car for a joy ride.

Cool and rebellious is taking the time to talk to a homeless person and waiting to see if they’ll share some of their Tennants Super with you.
Cool and rebellious is speaking your truth even though everyone will hate you for it or think you’re mad just because you believe that the Royal Family are a bunch of shapeshifting Hamsters.

Cool and rebellious is admitting when you’re wrong and implementing some changes in your life to make sure you don’t get caught again.

Cool and rebellious is following your dreams despite numerous setbacks. You never know one day you might get that job as a Lollypop Man.

Cool and rebellious is not taking an ecstasy and dancing all night to a car alarm…that’s just fun.

THE WHO

I went to see The Who and halfway through the crowd thinks they are really cool and starts singing “We are the mods, We are the mods etc” I looked at Pete Townsend and I knew he had something good to say, so he waited until they had finished and then said “so you think you are mods do you?

Let me tell you something A mod is someone who doesn’t know who he is yet, so hopefully by the end of they night you will have a better idea of who you are” and then he burst into “Who are you, are you Who,who” followed by “Can you see the real me, can you?” But 5 minutes later “We are the mods, we are the mods”.

I was like “You just don’t get it, do you?”

GLASGOW GREEN

I was at the Glasgow Green Event one summer. I was there on the Saturday when Asian Dub Foundation, Foo Fighters, Primal Scream then Oasis were on the main stage. The crowd should be ashamed of themselves. Asian Dub foundation got a little reaction. Foo Fighters were absolutely shite yet the crowd loved them because the singer used to be the drummer in Nirvana.

Then Primal Scream came on and played a blinding set and after every song, no one clapped! I’ll repeat that, no one fucking clapped at all!! They then played a song called Sick City, called Glasgow a sick city and still no-one took it in or even enjoyed themselves. They were all waiting for Oasis to come on. Although, I have to admit, I watched them at Glastonbury last year and they were fucking shit, so maybe I was wrong.

But when the Brothers Gallagher came on at Glasgow all the fucking arseholes come out in force. This girl climbed on someone’s shoulders just in front of me and 3 sad pricks behind me, “Heh, what can we throw at her, have you got a bottle?” Is that the mentality of these dickheads?

Oasis came on, started the first song, everyone went on automatic pilot mental mode, I just had to leave. They were fucking shite. Did you see the concert they done at Wembley and actually sold on video and CD as Familiar to Millions?

How fucking Shite was that? Liam demands a can of beer before they play the last song. ‘OOOoo’, how controversial?

Then when it finishes, Noel storms off in a huff, Liam hangs around on stage and then does a pure mental rock and roll thing, he goes up to Noels guitar and gives it a few twangs, when it’s on its stand “OOOhhh I’m scared, he’s so tough”

MAKING A BAND

Do you remember that program ‘ Making a Band”? You don’t make a fucking band. A band gets together out of necessity. The artists are driven to expressing themselves and when their energy is right they meet the right members at the right time by coincidence or fate and form a band to express their frustration, love or anger at what is going on in the world. Let’s keep it fucking real!!!

I can’t comment on the program itself because there was no way I was going to lower myself to watch the pile of shite, not even for research. Same with fucking Pop Idol and X-Factor. Everyone is so scared of Simon,
“Oh no, Simon doesn’t like my singing”
“Fuck off and stop wasting the public’s time then and get back to fucking Tescos check out, where you belong”

Oh how the record companies must be pissing themselves laughing at us.
“Ho, Ho, Ho, this is too fucking easy, let’s give them Popstars. Let us show how we actually put these nobody’s together.

Let them watch how they practice they’re amazing dance routines, then we’ll get some arsehole called Nigel to abuse them, so everybody feel’s sorry for them, ah, then guess what? We’ll call them a band, just for a laugh, as an insult to every real band that’s ever existed.

Then we’ll sit back and watch the herd lap it up. Ho, Ho, Ho look at that, fastest selling single in 5 years, this is just too easy.”

ROBBIE WILLIAMS

But I don’t think enough people have done enough drugs. For how else could Robbie Williams be thought of as a God-like figure in this country?
The man’s a fucking nanny goat. Sorry, make that a talentless nanny goat.
How the fuck is he a star! Don’t let him kid you he has any input whatsoever into the shite he trying ever so hard to pass off as music.

He’s a fucking corporate puppet. Nothing more, nothing less.
Except I’d rather watch Kermet perform the Frog Chorus, 15 times a day on MTV, than watch that gormless twit prance around, expecting us to actually give a fuck.

Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing at all against Robbie William’s himself, as a person. If he wants to act like an escapee from a mental hospital, just to be famous, that’s his own bloody funeral.

It’s the fact that everybody doesn’t see what a complete pile of pish it actually is, that’s what get’s on my wick. Granted he can work a crowd, I’ll give him that, but that’s my point, look at the fucking crowd.

So this is my proposition to cure the nation of its shit taste in music perceptions. It should also, help in all other areas of life too.
First of all you tell the herd that you are doing a new social experiment.

You are going to lock up 10 Robbie Williams’s fans in a TV studio for 68 days, the program will be on 24 hours a day for those 68 days and it is going to be called Robbie the Jobbie Big Brother Special. Guaranteed audience of 50 million straight away.

Then you give away an ounce of Skunk away with every issue of TV Chat sold that week. 50 million ounces of high quality Marijuana hit the HIGH street.

You tell everybody watching at home that it is now cool to smoke skunk, and they all have to smoke theirs while watching the show 24 hours a day for 68 days.

There not allowed to leave their houses either, as they are part of the show, so they better get well stocked up on munchies.

Obviously we’ll have to put British Industry on hold, for 68 days while this social experiment is being carried out but it’ll be worth it.

Then you put the 10 Robbie Williams fan in a room and tell them their task is to smoke as much skunk as is humanly possible for 68 days, while playing Robbie Williams albums, and watching his videos over and over again.

Then this conversation springs up in the studio and around the country, after everyone’s had a couple of puffs.

“Hey man, how long do we have to listen to Robbie for? Fucking 68 days.
He’s not even finished the first song and already he’s stopped entertaining me; let me the fuck out of here, please?

10 Minutes Later

“For fuck’s sake enough of the Robbie already, the man’s a talentless twat, he’s ruining my high. I just hope he doesn’t get old before he dies, please you can keep your 70 grand prize money, just stop the Robbiefest, please.”

5 minutes later

“What the fuck was I thinking about buying Robbie Williams records, I must have been off my head, but it’s alright I’m cured now, please turn him off, this is fucking worse than Chinese Torture.”

2 minutes later

Silence…in the studio and at home. The producers of the show wonder what happened, so they turn on some big fans, to clear the room of smoke, and when the picture clears, you see that they’ve all committed Hari Cari.
They’ve left a note, it says “Fuck this for a laugh, it’s a miracle we lasted this long, if it wasn’t for that song Angels we’d have been dead and buried a long time ago” Which is a bit like Robbie himself really.

But then a miracle happens, the producers then start playing The Incredible String Band album, 5000 layers of the onion. And as if by magic, everyone in the studio and around the country has died and been reborn to a higher state of mental awareness and good taste.

“Hey, what’s that man, that’s groovy, I can dig that, life’s worth living after all, just please no more Robbie eh? Play the white man eh? Or the black man, as long as it’s groovy, I don’t care.”

And thus no more fucking Tiffinay on our dancefloors and no more talentless twats on our radios. Hurrah!!!

And we didn’t even need to take a single day off work to do so.

Although of course 50 million people will now phone in sick for the next 68 days as once you’ve got your mind set on a holiday, it’s impossible to change that. They all smoke themselves stupid for a couple of months and improve their record collection beyond all recognition.

Then because the higher parts of their brain have been turned on they start becoming more creative and have greater enjoyment for life. They also realise how valuable our freedoms are and we stop taking any more shit from record companies and anyone else who tries to tell us how to think. I could go on but I think I’ve made my point.

Cheers!