Sex

SEX IS EVERYWHERE

Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex it’s everywhere these day’s isn’t it, I’m bloody sick of it.

It sells papers, magazines, it’s in every television advert, a film is not complete without the obligatory sex-scene, and on and on it goes– it gives the impression that everyone in the whole world except for you is having a big orgy of mind blowing, sheet staining, bed-busting sex every day.

It is everywhere of course apart from my bedroom….cause I have been married a while and the wife’s pussy has went a bit stale.

It is like a moldy loaf of bread. I’m scared to go near it in case I catch something. Mind you if I pleasured her a bit more often then maybe it would get it’s old sparkle back.

BOYS AND GIRLS HAVE SEX

Have you seen teenagers recently?

Fucking hell, I feel like a pervert when I’m walking up the High Street.

I’m eyeing up these things with high heels and mini-skirts on and then they turn round to reveal their Al Capone like features. Yep, their Baby Faces.

Not only do their mother’s let them go out like that, they plaster them in their make up as well. I’ve never seen so much blue eyeliner in all my life.

And people say ‘oh it’s not the parents fault, it’s all the adverts and these Pop Tarts influence.

Oh really. Who buy’s the fucking Spice Girls and Madonna video’s then?

Yeah that’s right it’s the parent’s. And then without thinking they go and leave them lying around for their 12-year-old kid’s to find.

And they’re getting younger all the time aren’t they?

Christ, at this rate, I’m surprised babies of both sexes don’t try and lick their mother’s clit on the way out the womb.

SEX – ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT IT ENOUGH?

I do think though that it’s hard to be a child these days.

Even the newspapers who pretend they’re against 3 in a bed and casual sex, they advertise it by talking about it so much. It’s the old reverse psychology trick.

But the best one I ever heard for telling us to do something by telling us not to do it was on Central FM radio, Falkirk’s local station. I just about fell off my seat when I heard it.

A lady from the council was on and she was talking about teenage pregnancies and how we need to make kids more aware of the need to use condoms during sex if they don’t want to have a baby.

Just how stupid do they think these kid’s are? If you treat people stupid, they’ll act stupid, I always think.

Anyway the council’s new slogan to get put on posters and pamphlets and aired on the radio to make kid’s think about the dangers of teenage sex was,

‘Sex – Are you thinking about it enough?’

Well, they are now thanks to you, you twat.

SEX INDUSTRY

Anyway enough about our children’s sex lives, what about the adult’s?

I think we are all sexually repressed and fucked up in the heed myself. And yes, I include myself in that.

And again, sorry about this, but I think the media has a lot to answer for.

I was watching British Sex on Sky and it was all about the sex toy industry. And there was some old dear who worked there and she was saying things like,

“Every year I have about 10,000 dildo’s going through my hands”

Of course you fucking do, you work in a sex toy factory.

You don’t hear paper boy’s saying “Every year I have about 40,000 Sunday Mail’s going through my hands”

And then this lady said, “This blow up doll I’m packing is for a retired man who lost his wife recently.”

What? Can he not find her? Take out a missing persons ad then.

And then she said,

“And so this blow up doll will be ideal for him”

And I thought “Yeah, great companions those blow up dolls, just what he needs to keep him company into his old age. They’ll be down the bingo together next, just you wait and see”

“Sorry, to hear about your loss, George, I take it you haven’t found her yet”

“No, but it’s Ok I’ve replaced her with Saucy Sue here, you know, you’d hardly know the difference, without lube both their fannies are as dry as a badger’s arse”

SADO-MASOCHISM

There is an awful lot of programmes about sex on TV these days, isn’t there. But have you ever seen the one they do every so often about Sado-masochism?

That’s where sad old men actually pay good money to get their genitals tortured by Jo Brand look-alikes.

Because obviously their wives are not going to pander to their sick desires. We all know how much the wives actually value the family jewels. Not like these guys, who don’t mind getting their rocks scratched at all.

But have you ever seen the guy who likes the cheese grater on the cock? We’re talking a cheese grater on the bell end here.

A cheese grater! I mean, you use that to grate cheese for fuck’s sake.
I mean, what kind of sick pleasure is that supposed to bring.
See because I watch so much Television, I have become de-sensitised to most things.

I can watch all kinds of shocking things and not feel a thing.

I can watch murders, rape, hospital operations, starving Africans the lot, but I tell you, see as soon as I see that guy, with the cheese grater on the cock, I can’t find the fucking remote control quick enough.

‘Aarrghh, get it off, quick, that’s fucking evil that shit’.

I mean, surely the phrase, ‘that would bring a tear to a glass eye’ was invented for that.

And tell me, what do they do with all the grated cock bits?

Maybe the brothel’s got a canteen and they all get swept up and served with the salad at lunchtime to the unsuspecting clients.

“Eh, your salad is alright, but I don’t think much of your shredded beetroot!!  It tastes like Donald Trump’s cock.”

“Well, funny you should say that Mr Johnson”

And when the mistresses in these brothels gets interviewed, they always claim that to do their job, you actually have to be a very loving, giving kind of a person.

I say, “Aye, you have to love giving pain, ya bitch!”

Things seem to be getting more and more extreme. I’m just wondering where it’s all going to lead. Maybe in 5 years time the cheese grater will have been replaced by a dick shredder.

It’ll be something like “Oh yes, Mistress, keep hitting me about the head with that baseball bat, oh yes it’s wonderful. Right to my balls now, oh yes, that’s fantastic.

Right, do it now, do it now, I’m ready for the dick shredder!

Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my God, that was fantastic, Jesus Christ, what an orgasm!”

Then a deep realisation hits home “Oh No. Shit. The wife’s going to fucking kill me when she sees this.

I had a hard enough time pissing into the toilet bowl, when I had something to aim with!!!!

It’s just going to go all over the shop now.

Cause Heaven forbid I won’t be sitting down just tae dae a pee.”

I wonder what the female equivalent of a dick shredder would be.

Maybe a chainsaw dildo.

The woman’s lying there all tied up, “Make sure you get my clit on the downstroke. Oh yes. Yes, that’s amazing!!”

(Blood spurts everywhere)

“Fucking hell, babe, there is a hellava lot of blood down here.

Are you on your period?”

You never know, maybe in a couple of years, what with all these great technological advances, you might be able to buy miniature chainsaw dildos.

Women will be able to carry them in their purse, you know, just in case someone tries to mug you.

You can attack them with your sex toy!!!

ORGIES

And then we had a program on a while ago all about Orgies. Just nice little harmless orgies, nae bother at all. Fun for all the family.

No that’s Incest isn’t it? That’s on next month.

But I believe in unconditional love as much as the next enlightened Buddha,

But I think free for all Orgies is taking it just a bit too far.

I mean, call me old fashioned, but I think you should at least have been formally introduced to someone before shagging the arse of them.

And furthermore you should actually like and respect that person, because after all you will be absorbing that person’s energy field into yours during the spiritual union that we degrade by calling it fucking.

Can you imagine you and your partner at an orgy. First of all you start of on safe territory, just shagging each other, getting off on watching all the other couples hard at it.

Then both of you ‘gasp’ in horror as you see your cranky old ex neighbour Mr Williams approach, cock in hand.

In unison you both say “Oh no, I hope he doesn’t mention that lawnmower we borrowed in 1976”

INSTANT ORGASM

And now it seems like shagging the whole world is not enough to satisfy us.

Because those good old Scientists in their goat-like wisdom have invented a device that gives woman orgasms at the press of a button.

Seriously, some scientist discovered by ‘accident’ believe that and you’ll believe anything, that if you wire some electrodes to a woman’s clitoris to a small transmitter (microchip) in her arse, the women can give herself an orgasm by remote control.

Who need’s men eh? Because we certainly don’t have a 100% record in giving female orgasm’s do we guys? But at least we kiss and squeeze your bum occasionally.

The human touch still counts for something.

But I know all the woman probably think remote control orgasm gadget is the answer to all your prayers.

But think about it, all the men would be upstairs wanking on the net and all the woman on the settee enjoying getting to play with the remote control for the first time in their lives.

Christ, the world would cum to a standstill.

SHAVEN PUSSIES

But see me, I love shaven fannies. I think they’re the best.

Once you’ve had a shaven pussy, I think it’s very hard to go back to the hairy variety.

Everytime I muff dive the wife when she’s let herself go unclipped for a couple of weeks, I’m sure I can hear fucking Axl Rose up there, singing ‘Welcome to the Jungle’.

So it kind of puts me off a bit. And because of his long hair, I keep on imagining the wife’s clitoris is Slash, the guitar player’s nose.

I think I need help actually.

RULES AND REGULATIONS

But things change when you get married, don’t they?

I mean, you still kind of love each other but that spark of passion isn’t there as much as it used to be.

Felletio is a rare occurrence in our house. I now have to pass a medical examination before any kind of sexual activity.

If I want a blowjob I have to go and take a shower, wash my cock in detal and scrub my bell end with a metal brush just to pass the inspection. It kind of kills the spontaneity a bit.

In the old days my wife wouldn’t mind the bobby cheese too much.

Now it’s rules and regulations for everything.

For instance, rubber gloves must be worn during any Rectal fisting sessions.

I can’t cum in her mouth unless she has a femidom over it.

I even have to clean my teeth and use mouthwash before she lets me lick her arsehole.

And I don’t even particularly care for that too much. It’s just another one of my many chores.

All the fun has been taken right out of it.

But never mind, we still love each other, which is the most important thing isn’t it?

Aye, right.

A good hard shag is what it’s all about and don’t let anybody tell you any different.

I’m speaking for the men here, by the way, you ladies may have different priorities and that’s cool.

Just understand we’d love you more if you swallowed on a regular basis, that’s all I’m saying.

Actually, thinking about it, I’m the one who can’t be arsed with sex now. It’s a bit of a chore to be honest.

I enjoy it when I do it but its the thought of trying to get an erection for my old flabby arsed wife that puts me off and I’m sure a lot of men agree.

Guys come on, lets give it to our ladies more often as I think they need it more than we do, it really does affect their mood greatly, intimacay is important to them, so lets not be so selfish.

(Ignore this last bit if you wish, I’m just giving myself a pep talk.)

LOSING VIRGINITY

When I had sex for the first time I must have lasted about 0.3 of a second. I think I just managed to get the German helmet in before it was all over.

Actually I don’t know if that even counts as losing your virginity does it? It was more like just misplacing it.

The girl I was doing it with then was a virgin too. She was a nice lass.

I feel kind of bad about it now cause I used her for about 2 years to try out all the various positions and, I eventually got to the stage where she let me come in her mouth. I then threw her away like an old smelly sock.

What can I say, I was young and daft. It was no wonder her father hated me, he was always grumpy with me, cause his daughter’s screaming kept him awake all night.

She deserved better she really did.

I never fucked her in the ass though. I didn’t realise that was an option in those days. I was still quite naive.

In fact, to tell you the truth I still am. I’m all talk really.

HOLIDAY REPS

Can you remember those two girls on that series Holiday Reps. They were on the front pages of every paper in Britain for about a fortnight.

Slappers R Us, was one of the headlines if I remember correctly.

Fucking hell, they had so much sex it made your eyes water just thinking about it.

Where were those kind of girls when I was on holiday?

I couldn’t see them anywhere. Mind you, maybe that’s because I was lying face down in a ditch somewhere.

Convinced I was having a great time.

You know that when you die you’re supposed to see your life review. I’m really looking forward to that to see what I got up to all those times I was blitzed out my brain.

There was one time I was in Aya Napa in Cyprus and I was the drunkest man in the universe and the square was choka block with people and I was walking through it.

That’s the last thing I can remember until I woke up at 7 o’clock with some shopkeeper in the square, kicking me and telling me to move as he was about to open his shop and there was not another soul in sight.

I’d love to know what the fuck happened in the 8 hours in between.

That’s the first thing I’m going to ask God when I die.

Sometimes I think about committing suicide now just to find out.

The suspense is killing me but not quick enough.

WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH SEX?

What’s the big deal with Sex anyway? Willy goes in, Willy nearly comes out, Willy goes in, Willy nearly comes out, Willy goes in, Willy cums. Game over. Big fucking deal.

I think we should all have a big orgy right now, just to prove how fucking ridiculous the whole thing of cheating and all that is.

You can shag my wife and I’ll shag yours. Once we’ve done it and realised we don’t need to get all emotional about it, we can get on with our lives and do away with all our perversions forever.

(Well actually I don’t believe a word of that. Sometimes I just say things to provoke a reaction. That view is the one that is given to us by the Luciferians who want us to be uber-liberal and do away with any kind of ethics, morality or decency. I actually think Sex is a spiritual union and should be treated as such but that view isn’t as funny so I fall into the ‘Rebel View is Cool’ trap. You may have noticed.)

SEX IN A CASTLE

I recently made love to my wife in a real live Castle. Well, I say, made love, it only lasted about 30 seconds. I don’t know if you can classify that as making love, more like making a tit of myself.

I don’t think my wife got too much pleasure from it. Maybe just an initial rush on entry ….but with my cock I doubt even that.

If only you could rent a BBC sometimes, just to see a woman scream in pain with every thrust….instead of asking for answers to a crossword puzzle.

BAD VIBES WITH GUY AT WORK

Do you ever meet someone and get very strange vibes off them. Every time I used to see this particular guy at work, we never seemed to hit it off.

Both of us were trying to be nice, but we just couldn’t connect with one another. I think sometimes these kinds of things could be hangovers from previous lifetimes.

Maybe I was his best friend in a past life and he didn’t find out until he died that I shagged his wife on a regular basis or even worse….his mother!!

MUM ON THE PHONE DURING SEX

Guys, have you ever been having sex with your wife or girlfriend or whatever and the phone goes.

And most people these days get so excited when the phone goes they have to stop shagging to answer it!

Then it’s your mum on the other end of the phone. There’s nothing that makes your hard on go down quicker than talking to your mum, is there.”

WIFE COMES TO QUICK

One thing you never hear about sex is women coming too quickly. My wife always cums too quickly.

About 3 licks of her clit and that’s it. She’s satisfied.

I try to keep it going because I believe sex is a spiritual union between two people but after she’s come she’s like, ‘come on, hurry up for fuck’s sake, the match of the daddy on.’

She doesn’t say that but I can tell what she’s thinking.

I LOVE SEEING WOMEN HAPPY

I love the look on a women’s face when you put your cock up them. Their eyes go kind of misty don’t they. That’s when women are at their happiest.

Unless they’re being raped, of course, then they’re severely unhappy and quite right so, may I add.

But I love seeing women that happy, especially when it’s my cock inside them, I am a bit biased in that way.

ANAL SEX

I’ve never given or received anal sex in my entire life. Although I did experiment with Homosexuality when I was about 7 or 8, I can remember sticking my toothbrush up my arse for some reason.

I did use it again, but it’s alright I washed it properly afterwards.

And I didn’t use the brush end either, if that’s what you’re thinking.

Maybe I’m covering up homosexual tendencies.

Maybe the repressive society I grew up in has conditioned me to be heterosexual. Just like now in these more liberal times it seems like they’re trying to condition everyone to be homosexual. Life’s all about balance isn’t it, maybe the natural state of everyone is actually bisexual, you know ‘ifitsbreathingshagitsexual’.

Or even, ‘if it has any kind of orifice dead or alive shag it sexual’,

Or ‘Saville sexual’ as it is referred to in Elite circles.

But some ladies love anal sex, don’t they? Some of them look as though they are right into it?

I look at women all the time now and wonder if they take it up the arse. I can’t help it, I’ve seen too many double penetration shots on internet porn.

But women, don’t feel under any pressure to do anal. If you are just saying to your partner, Ok I’ll do it, but only if you do it first, then produce a 10” dildo from under the bed. That’ll soon shut him up.

Well, it shut me up anyway.

WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL

But I think women are beautiful and are the main reason for staying alive on this planet right now, and I’m trying to be more romantic, but I’m Scottish!! It’s not easy for me.

My idea of romance is to hand my wife a tube of KY Jelly and say, “There you go, tonight’s you’re lucky night, slap that on”

But I know how to turn on a woman more than anything you can read in any magazine.

If you’re a man and you want great sex that night, here’s a little secret that’s been carefully guarded throughout history, all you need to do to get great sex is to voluntarily of your own back do some housework.

It’s unbelievable. They’re all over you like a hot rash. That’s how the Kama Sutra was invented.

One guy meditated on how he could get better sex and he had a vision with him an apron and a feather duster. Next thing you know the house was clean and so was his bell end.

I want to know when Women are going to take over the world, I think it’s about time they did.

Not like Margaret Thatcher or Hilary Clinton or Posh Spice.

You know, in a good way, cause let’s face it Men are total Fannies.

I don’t mean to generalize but for instance, see before I met my wife, I used to spend every single night with my head down the toilet.

I’d get up again the next day and do exactly the same, drink to oblivion. I did that for 8 years.

I know some guys have done that for much longer than that and are perfectly happy with their life choices and good luck to them.

I’m just saying I’d rather have my head down between a women’s legs than a toilet, you know, call me old fashioned.

Cheers!