The Damn Doonfall

Things didnae go quite tae plan
The trip wiz aw in vain
A’ wished a’d stayed at hame
Instead, a’ went insane

Ma doonfa’ started innocently enough
A couple ae beers in the Airport Bar
A few mare while on the plane
A’ wiz well jaked when we hit the tar

A’ wiz surprised a’ got through security
As a’ had trouble walkin’ straight
It was like a’d played the ‘make yersel dizzy’ game
Fortunately a’ was guided ma mate

First ‘hings first in Amsterdam
Visit the first dope-hoose ye see
It doesnae matter whit brand ye smoke
Ye’ll soon be floatin’ like a bee

By ten o’clock that nicht
A’ wiz as stoned as a smelly fart
A’ had ma man’s man reputation tae uphold
But a big girls blouse wiz playin’ the part

A’ wiznae doing tae bad though
Compared tae some ae the rest
A’ thought a’ wiz goin’ tae pass
This suicidal test

Then the strangest ‘hing happened
Totally oot ae the blue
Aftir several mare beers an’ coontless joints
A’ felt like a’ wiz goin’ tae spew

A’ got up fae ma seat
Calmly said, “A’ll be back in five”
Took twa steps towards the door
Jist hopin’ a’d get oot alive

Then it wiz like someone flipped a switch
Everythin’ jist went blurry
Aw a’ saw wiz a big flash ae light
Afore a’ hit the groond in a hurry

As a’ came back aroond
Ma spew signaled its intent
So a’ shut ma mooth an’ held ma nose
While it looked fur an orifice tae vent

It hurtled intae ma mooth
At a zillion miles per hour
Filled ma cheeks tae breakin’ point
An’ tasted mare than a little sour

A’ managed tae swallae it back doon
A’ wiz tryin’ not tae embarrass masel further
But it rose up again like a badly burned phoenix
An’ aw a’ could dae wiz cry fur ma Mother

The barman came up tae ma mates
Whae were aw pissing’ themselves laughin’
Nae sympathy is the first rule ae the Dam
Ye’re jist thankful ye’re nae barfin’

“Has he been drinking and smoking?”
A’ heard the barman shout
“Aye, he has that” said Big Andy
“Oh, that’s alright then, it’s only a blackout”

It wiz only a blackoot!!!! Only a blackoot!!
A’ wiz in serious trouble
A’d also banged ma heed aff a table
An’ was now sporting a pulsin’ nubble

A’ hiv had some blackoots in ma time
But that yin took the biscuit
A’ tried tae pit on a brave face
As a sprayed masel wi’ vomit

Somehoo a’ got back tae the Hotel
Where a’ spewed ma ring fur hours
A’ve nae idea hoo a’ got there
A’ must hae used some hidden psychic powers

There is su’hin aboot a bathroom flaer
When ye are in a severely fucked up condition
That makes talkin’ tae God sae much easier
While ye beg him tae send ye tae the Mortician

A’ woke up wi’ a mingin’ hangover
Ma mates offered uz a toke ae weed
“Fuck aff and leave uz alone”, a’ said
“A’ kin hardly move ma heed”

They said they kent the answer
Aftir breakfast a’d be richt as rain
Yin bowl ae cereal later
An’ a’ wiz sick aw ower again

A’ crawled ma way back tae ma scratcher
Tae get some peace an’ quiet
When a’ met wi’ them later that nicht
A’ telt them that a’ wiz noo on a booze free diet

But they didnae even ken whae a’ wiz
Aftir a full days smokin’ guid shit
A’ asked them whit their plans were
But aw they could say wiz “Aye, mental innit?”

Mind ye, a’ would probably ae been the same
Aftir Twelve hoors drinkin’ an’ smokin’
A’ wouldnae ae been able tae speak at aw
Cause on ma vomit, a’d be chokin’

Their conversation wiznae the best
So a’ wandered the toon in guid health
A’ went intae yin ae they wank shops
Somehoo a’ aye’ways manage tae abuse masel

Ye pit a Euro intae the slot
An’ ‘Boom’ ye get Five minutes ae porn
They even provide the toilet paper an’ bucket
A’ came oot when it wiz Morn

When a’ got back tae the Hotel
By then, a’ did feel as richt as rain
But ma mates snorin’ wiz sae bad
A’ had tae sleep on the bathroom flaer again

That trip sent me ower the edge
The wife’s naggin’ is noo music tae ma ears
An’ a’ never noo get the urge
Tae mix coontless joints, wi’ endless German Beers

So a’ve noo started dain’ daily DIY
A’ cook and clean on demand
Thanks tae that trip tae Amsterdam
A’ve had aboot aw the pointless fun a’ kin stand…

Or not…as was the case in The Fucking Dam.

Cheers the noo!