TV Licence Fee

The reason I got into comedy was not necessarily to make people laugh but rather to start a Revolution.

That may sound strange but I had just got into reading about so called ‘conspiracy theories’ and then I discovered Bill Hicks.

Have you heard of Bill Hicks?  He was an American comedian who talked about a secret cabal who rules the world by using media to placate the masses but he also talked about how we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively and that we are the imagination of ourselves. However, he died of Pancreatic Cancer in 1993……and was reborn as Alex Jones in 1994.

Alex is basically Bill without the jokes and as I said that’s the path I choose to go down as well.

I didn’t care if people laughed or not, I just wanted them to shake them by the fucking collar until they woke up to the fact they are getting shafted by a huge double ended dildo…. with the Pope’s face on one end and the Queen’s on the other.

If they didn’t get want to join my revolution then I wanted to take them outside for a fight but I discovered that what you fight you become as I was starting to turn into a fascist dictator myself.

I started buying Nazi Memorabilia and smoking Winston Churchill Cigars.

I was finishing gigs with ‘We shall fight them in the fields and the streets and we shall never surrender’

Needless to say, I didn’t get very far in the comedy world back then…..but at least I made a few bucks when I sold the memorabilia to Lemmy from Motorhead.

I have come a long way in my understanding of the bigger picture since those days and I don’t actually want to start a revolution at all now, I think that’s the last thing we need, because a Revolution is to just going around in a circle.

I think we’ve been doing that long enough with things like protest marches and the odd riot, which incidently are usually started by agent provocateurs.

There have been more than enough revolutions already, thanks very much and most if not all of them have created nothing but terror and bloodshed and more acquisitions of power by those who seek to gain it.

Those who manipulate society to further their agenda for total world dominance…and hey ho, what do you know, they have just about got there, if not already done so.

Revolutions you see, keep us stuck on the wheel of the rat race, of survival of the fittest and may the weakest be damned or maimed or dead.

So I don’t think we need another Revolution, what we need now is a Tangent Point.

Somewhere were we can step away from the total insanity that is Govern-ment to Govern men.

Govern = To Control, Ment = Latin for Mind – Mind Control

Yeah, let’s vote for that. Doh!

Attacking the government head on is a not good idea because if you do that they have a tendency to just gun you down in the street…….or water canon you, or taser you, or use tear gas on you, or hit you on the head with a big stick or handcuff you, and throw you in the sorry prison (prize zone) …. to get ass raped…….and NONE, I repeat NONE of them are my idea of a good time…….well, apart from maybe the handcuffs.

Although obviously that depends on who’s doing the handcuffing.  If it was one of Her Majesty’s servants, then I’d rather pass on it. If it was a hot chick dressed up as one of her Majesty’s servants, then I would let the uniform slide on that occasion.

I actually have a plan on how to get my Tangent Point idea off the ground and it involves the good old British instituiton of paying our Television Licence Fee.

So can I just double check, are there any police here?

No? That’s good, cause I don’t want to be shot dead for doing this.

Like that guy in Genoa. Remember that? That poor guy just thought he’d have a day out with his friends, doing a little peaceful protest against huge corporations taking over the world.

He maybe made a placard up that said, ‘Down with Evil Empires’

Maybe starting singing some songs “We Shall Overcome….we shall overcome.” BANG!

‘No You Fucking Shant’

Bullet. Straight through him. The guys now pan breed. Totally deed.

I mean, Fuck that, for a laugh.

Would you like to hear my plan? You do? That’s great because this skit would end now if you didn’t because I am not one to step on another individuals freewill choice……it’s the government who do that.

So tell me something, do you own a television? You do, eh? Wow. You have machine in your house that tells you lies….a tell-lie-vision.

And you are comfortable in the full knowledge that you are being programmed….. but hey at least there are lots of options on your remote control and you can be sure that the programmers know exactly what buttons of yours to press. Let’s just hope for your sake they don’t push the big red one.

I would rather they pushed the ‘mute’ one because let’s face it, lots of sheeple out there are spewing a hellava lot of ‘regurgitated bullshit’ and the worst culprits are usually by people who watch TV the most. Coincidence? I doubt it.

I mean doesn’t it annoy shitless that every year you have to pay £145 to the BBC or as I call them, the British Brainwashing Cunts?

As if programming your mind wasn’t bad enough, they employed fucking Jimmy Saville!!

I mean, if I start to go down that route that’s opening up another whole can of worms…..mainly the ones on the corpses he was fucking……so I’ll also leave that dark hole alone for now…..just a pity he couldn’t.

The government is obviously working in cahoots with the Cunts seeing as how if you own a hypnotic box and don’t pay the Licence Fee then you get fined and possibly go to jail just for the privilege of being Brainwashed.

I personally don’t agree with being held ransom by criminal psychopaths but I guess I’ve always been a bit of a rebel.

So I have thought of a cunning plan to get the TV Licence scrapped altogether….but, it does require some participation from you. Here’s what I you have to do….

After you come home from whatever mind numbing, soul destroying, stress creating day and whatever crappy job you do….. instead of just automatically switching on the TV for some mind numbing, intelligence insulting, pile of fucking horse manure…… instead reach behind the excessively large, high definition, credit card thin, smarter than you, luciferic dreambox….. and pull the plug out.

Lift your TV out into the middle of the street and then throw it down with all your might. Start taking all your frustrations out on it.

Give it a hefty kick…..FUCKO!

No more Jerry Springer!!!

Now granted, some of these programme’s may not even be on Television any more cause I haven’t watched any in about 15 years but let’s just roll with it anyway, eh?

I can’t stand Jerry Springer. I mean the guy used to be a politician for fuck’s sake. And yet, somehow he managed to sink even lower on the evolutionary scale.

You would have thought that would have been impossible, yet somehow squeaky voiced Jerry managed it. It’s his final thought bit at the end, that really gets to me. Going on, as if he’s the moral guardian of society.

I tell you, I would like to give him his Final Thought, BANG!

Take that you shit stirring bastard! There, that’s put an end to that particular branch of negativity and evilness.

Kick the TV again, WHACK!

No more Richard and Shaky Judy. How on Earth did the world’s shakiest women get a job on Television anyway? Not that I’ve got anything against shaky people, you understand. Well, apart from Shakin Stevens, obviously. But Judy’s not real, isn’t she?

“Hello I’m Judy. Oh, oh my tits have fallen out! Richard, go and steal me a drink for fuck’s sake”

I once seen an episode of Richard and Judy where Judy had to hold some ancient antique in her hand. It was so old that she had to put a glove on to stop any moisture from her skin damaging the item. So Judy put the glove on her right hand…..and picked the antique up with her left hand!!

Then she started shaking. She was chasing this thing all over the studio as it bobbled in her hands. The audience could hardly look. They just sat there peeking through their fingers.
After that she only ever got cheap second hand items to hold and even then they have to be tested to make sure they were virtually unbreakable.

Kick the TV again, WHALLOP!

No more Benefits Street

That program is just to remind you what’ll happen to you if you don’t keep turning up at your daily grind slave job. You think things are bad now? Try not turning up for work on Monday and you’ll be taking Heroin and stealing from your neighbours by the end of the month.

In the meantime, we can all judge them for being the biggest losers in this rigged game of survival called Life.

Kick the TV again, FUCKO!

No more X Factor.

I can’t stand that smug git Simon Cowell. He doesn’t give a flying fuck about the contestants on his Hex Factor show, unless of course you give a Freemasons sign during your act….. then he’ll see you get through to the next round all right.

Kick the TV again, WHALLOP!

No more Big Brother.

Especially the Celebrity version, because if you are a so called celebrity that is desperate enough to want to go on that show then your career is very clearly over and you should go and get a job in a supermarket cause the well of your talent has obviously run dry…..that is if you even had any in the first place.

Kick the TV again, WHALLOP!

No more Match of the Day.

I am sick to death of after match football analysis from brain dead ex-football players, trying desperately to keep themselves in a cushty job by competing with each other to see who can slaver the most pish about a ball getting humped around a field….with Alan Hansen being the obvious all time winner.

At least he’s retired now, after 20 years at it, even he ran out of ways to talk about ‘schoolboy defending’.

Aye, you should go back to school Alan and try coming up with something that is worthwhile to humanity cause I can assure you, pontificating where someone kicks a ball, isn’t adding to the greater good

Kick the TV again, WHALLOP!

No more Nightly News!

Do you watch the News? You do? Oh my God!

I have no idea why anyone would want to watch it. It’s like getting a big needle of negativity and injecting it directly into your consciousness.

“That’s me, negatived up to the max. I can go about my daily day now although I will need topped up on the hour every hour until bedtime.”

Personally, I don’t need some glammed up corporate whore coming into my house every night, telling me how shite the world is…..no matter how much cleavage she shows.
I’d rather watch the Trews than the News, and that’s saying something cause I fucking hate Russell Brand with a passion.

In his book Revolution, he has the word Love written backwards highlighted. That sums him up perfectly, backwards love – Evol. In phonetics you can change any vowel for another, so Evil he is.

Remember the Prince of Darkness won’t manifest as some down and out tramp, he will come to you as an Angel of Light, offering you material gain at the price of your soul.

Redistribution of wealth and all that shit he talks about, never mind the price of a ticket to see Russell perform his non-funny comedy, can you afford to trade in your soul to follow Russell?

If we absolutely had to have the News this would be my ideal News Bulletin.

Jackie Bird,the Sexy Scottish Red Headed newsreader, naked as the day she was born……except now she’s got a nice set of Mammaries and a nice wee hairy ginger bush. She’s bent over the newsdesk.

Then Trevor McDonald who has come out of retirement especially for this bulletin is behind her….giving it big licks, “Take That Jackie, Go on take it…..you love the black meat don’t you?”

The producer says, “Eh Trevor, Trevor, you’re on.”

“Oh hello everybody. Good news tonight for a change. Aye, that’s right, fucking good news.
Scientists have today discovered what mystics and artists have been telling us for thousands of years, that life is in fact wonderful and that we should all love each other unconditionally because we are all the same energy in different states of being, to paraphrase Bill Hicks.

‘I am He as You are He and We are One and We are All Together’ as somebody once sang.

In fact part of the problem was me coming on TV every night and filling your heads full of fear and worry in order to scare you into doing exactly what the government wants you to do in order to bring about their new totalitarian state known as the New World Order……sorry about that.

But don’t blame me, I was only reading the Auto Cue! It was more than my job was worth to tell the actual truth.

I’m wasn’t as mad as Howard Beale from the movie Network. I was happy to take the money and could sleep like a baby knowing I was drip feeding shite into millions of homes every night.

But it’s alright now cause the good old scientists have said life’s wonderful. Just for a change they must have experimented with some Natural drugs or to give them their correct title, Mother Earth’s Medicinal Plants….either that or taken a hit of pure MDMA….which indeed could be administered to people who like to party purely so they can forget for a while how brutal their daily slave lives are, that would avoid unnecessary deaths from dodgy pills.

In fact, me and Jackie halved a happy sweetie just before coming on air and we both agree….life’s totally wonderful, isn’t that right Jackie?”

“Oh yes Trevor, it’s wonderful alright, just don’t stop….. I’m just about to cum”

So Trevor, being the gentleman that he is, waits until Jackie impales herself on HIS BBC….that is his Big Black Cock, until she achieves her 15th multiple orgasm, giving her a grand total of the highest break in Snooker, a 147 orgasms before he finally withdraws his weapon and shoots his load all over Jackie’s hairy butt hole. The credits roll just as we get a close up of Trevor’s dribbling cock.
THAT’S the kind of news bulletin I would like to see. It would also be the last news bulletin ever, by the way, so make sure and set your TV recorders for that one. At least that one would be worth watching…..time and time again.

Although granted, these days thanks to the internet, I need to see a cock up your pussy, one up your dungbox, two more spurting over your face before my cock will even think about getting hard but it would be a start.

Anyway, you’ve kicked the TV in and you say “Ah I feel better for that, I don’t need to stare at that hypnotic box all night, I wonder what I could do?

I could go for a walk. That would make a nice change from melting into the sofa with a Pizza and a 6 pack to watch twenty two arseholes run around a field for 90 minutes.

I could read a book, now there’s a novel idea. I may actually learn something about the world I live in. Like if I read the Weird Scenes From Laurel Canyon I would discover that the whole hippy ‘peace and love’ movement was a CIA operation and that many of the ‘Rock Stars’ of the era were the children of high ranking military personnel, not least Jim Morrison who’s father was in command of the ship that was involved in the Gulf of Tonkien incident which led directly to American going to war with Vietnam! .

Or if I read some Kate of Gaia writings I would see how we are controlled meticulously through the use of our legal name and that the whole system of government which controls every aspect of my life is a huge fraud based on the fact that I am a third party interloper on a contract between my parents and The Crown which is known as The Birth Certificate.

Or if I read Judy Woods book ‘Where Did The Towers Go?’ I would realise how preposterous the official version of 911 is and see that there had to be some kind of energy device that we don’t know about that was able to turn those towers into fucking dust! There was me thinking two planes could do that. What a plonker!

Or I could just knit a jumper! Christ, the possibilities are endless.”

No, no. Instead, what I’ll do is go and tell my neighbour how good it felt to do something outside with the box.

Now he’s a bit surprised to hear from you cause although you’ve lived next door to each other for 15 years, you’ve only ever talked about the weather or said polite hellos to each other, when you’ve accidentally bumped into each other in the street.

That’s a nightmare, isn’t it?

“Hello,”

“Oh hello,”
“Nice day today isn’t it,”

“Aye it’s a nice day,”

“Pity we’re all so fucking miserable. Never mind, it’ll probably rain tomorrow, then we’ll be happy. At least it will give us something good to moan about”.

So you tell him what you’ve done and how good it felt and you suggest he tries it…

“OK fuck it,” he says, “ I’ll live dangerously”

So he runs inside, doesn’t even bother asking for his wife’s permission and grabs the TV and runs out into the street with it but he’s got one kid round each leg going….

“Daddy, Daddy, what the hell are you doing? How are we going to have perverted sexual ideas subliminally programmed into us? How are we going to know taking drugs is coooool, man? Most importantly, who the fuck is going to babysit us?”

He say’s “Look, you two will have get outside and play you lazy bastards. There’s more to life than fucking television. Who the fuck taught you how to cunting swear anyway? I tell you, That bastard TV’s got a lot to answer for”

So then he Kicks the TV…..Whallup!

No more Songs of Praise.

Why would anybody want to watch a mass of brainwashed sheep sit in a church and sing religious songs? When you could just as easily, flick the channel….hear the same songs, while watching the Rangers or Celtic game.

He then, throws the TV down and starts kicking fuck out of it Whallup!

No more Royal Weddings, War Memorials or Queen Mother celebrations.

Remember we used to get Queen Mother celebrations.

Thank God, the old cow is dead now anyway, that’s all I can say.

Now, that may sound a bit harsh, you know, but she was never my fucking Granny. You know what I mean.

All that stuff about her being the Nation’s Grandma pish. Fuck off. She was an evil old bag and she should have been put down long ago.

Euthanasia should have been legalised just for her. And if you think that’s unethical, then Harold Shipman should have been her Doctor.

Either way, I would have all slept a bit easier at night.

Oh and don’t let anyone tell you she was 102 years old when she died, she was 666 from the day she was fucking born.

Kick the TV again…..Whallup!

No more HBO American TV series that take over your life.

But hold on, The Wire and Breaking Bad were brilliantly written and thoroughly entertaining. Oh, ok well, never mind, I’ll just have to learn to live without them, after all, without sacrifice…..there would be no Devil Worship.

Now at this point maybe some of you are thinking,

‘Hold on a minute Billy, you can’t throw the TV’s out…..how will we know what shampoo to buy?’

Or, ‘How will we know what corporate symbols we should wear on our clothes…..so that the School Bullies won’t beat the crap out of us…..as we walk home from the pub.’

How will we know if the Big Brother contestants are fucking each other yet?

Or what slanderous remarks they are saying about each other so we can create a villain and turn them into a winning hero for a good story ark.

Or ‘How will we know what evil little schemes our illustrious leaders are dreaming up for us next to accept without question?’

But stick with it, we’re going to get free TV licenses here, remember, there is a point to this.

You then go and tell the rest of the neighbours and before you know it there is a big mountain of TV’s piled up in the middle of the street, it’s like some kind of pagan festival.

Everyone starts dancing round it “Yeah, we’ve got some kind of community spirit back at long last, isn’t it fucking wonderful?”

Then of course the local constabulary turn up, don’t they, fucking bastards, let me just emphasise that, FUCKING BASTARDS!

Sorry, I just get a kick out of saying that in public.

“Hello, hello, hello, what’s going on here? People not behaving like conditioned robots? People not behaving like trained Monkeys? Like Brain Dead Zombies? Like Patriotic, Paralytic, Bawbags? People not behaving like Glasgow Rangers fans? This is very fucking disturbing. You’re allowed to disturb each others peace now and again, but not ours. Who started it?”

But we don’t tell them, we stick together for once, Polish, Lithuanian, Romanian, Estonian, Slovakian, Rastafarian AND what little white Brits are left in the Street, we stick together united in our quest for freedom!

Sheepishly it’s THEY who have to report back to the station,

“Sarge, Sarge, it’s fucking mental down, there. They’ve thrown their TV’s out and they’ve started talking to one another! They’re helping each other do odd jobs, they’re organising Celidh dances and they’re even going to pubs and enjoying themselves without getting totally fucked beyond all reason.

They’re going to comedy clubs and enjoying the acts regardless of how crap they are. Hell, they’ve even formed their own kind of interest free money and got rid of our bullshit fiat currency that’s worth fuck all anyway……it’s fucking anarchy!!!! Anarchy in the real sense of the word, just what we’ve always been afraid of.”

“Fuck, how are we going to control the masses without television?”

Shit, time to revert to plan B. Quick, get all the Trevor McDonald clones out of the cupboard, you know, the batch we done, just before we done Dolly the Sheep. Right now dress them all as the Town Crier and get them to read this statement on the streets of Britain today.

Oh and find a way to shut Billy Watson up, we already murdered Martin Luther King, JFK, Malcolm X, John Lennon and Princess Diana to name but a few, I don’t think Billy Watson should cause us too many problems”

Ha, Ha, Ha, little do they fucking know.

So Big Trevor is out on the streets with Little Ben…..

‘Ding, ding….ding, ding’

“Hear this, hear this. In a goodwill gesture by your friendly people’s government, they have decided to scrap TV licences altogether…..HURRAY!

In fact if you go down to your local police station there is a big sale on right now…..free Television’s to replace the ones you accidentally dropped. (Cause it’s all done with Semantics)

Free digital, free cable, free widest screen on earth, with even more choice, you now have 5000 channels of pish to choose from”

But we say, “No thanks Trevor, we are all living for our dreams now and that doesn’t involve watching 24 hours a day Reality TV or using a legal name that doesn’t belong to us, funnily enough.”

In fact, their wouldn’t be any police officers at the station anyway, because they’d all be living for their dreams and that wouldn’t involve working to protect a fascist dictatorship government, now would it? Sorry, I couldn’t think of a funny way to say that.

But don’t worry, cause there wouldn’t be any fascist dictatorship government, because without our support and use of the legal name they wouldn’t have anybody they could dictate to and maybe they would learn to chill out a bit and give us peace.

Is that too much to hope for in this day and age?

Or am I just a dreamer?

Actually, I was but thankfully I saw sense.

You can only save yourself.

Lemmings will be lemmings and the end is nigh!

Are you ready for the return of Niburu?

You’d better start investigating about it because I can guarantee you won’t hear about it on your Nightly ‘News’.

Cheers!