Unconditional Love

Remember all the hoo-hah about Section 28 a while ago?

Let me share my thoughts on the subject with you. You see I don’t think we should promote homosexuality in the schools. I think that there is enough promotion of it everywhere else, thank you very much.

Why don’t we promote unconditional love in the schools? Or how to respect everyone’s right to be an individual? Or how to love yourself properly? I don’t mean how to have a good wank. That way this gayness just wouldn’t be an issue, would it?

You could be shagging a gay, one eyed, three legged, buck toothed hairy donkey for all I care, by all means, fucking get on with it.

As long as the donkey is a willing participant of course, I don’t want to be responsible for a spate of donkey rape, I have my conscience to think about, you know?

Oh, and when I talk about unconditional love, this is what I mean.

Say for instance, you are in a nice monogamous relationship, you’ve been married twenty five years, with two kids, three bedroom semi, two cars in the driveway… everything is rosy in the garden of normality.

Then one day the wife comes home from work and the husband says, “Hi dear, how was your day?”

“Oh, it was great, we left work at lunchtime today, we were all bored in the office, so Carol invited some of the guys and gals back to her house for a full on orgy. There was pussy, tits and cock flying about everywhere, it was marvellous. My fanny’s red raw, red raw it is, what a pounding it took. I’ll be walking like John Wayne all week.

Oh, and if you’re cooking dinner tonight, no meat for me please, because I’m a vegetarian now. I’ve swallowed enough protein today to last me a lifetime, I’m away upstairs for a lie down”.

Now the husband’s reply to that should be, “Oh I’m glad you enjoyed yourself dear, whatever you feel you need to experience to speed up your evolution back to the godhead while on this planet is fine by me. Just remember to pack your bags after your sleep, because you’ve broken the bond of trust that existed between us, but I wish you well on your merry way though”.

Either that or you join a swinger’s club together.

That’s the kind of level of unconditional love we should be aiming for. Although I wouldn’t necessarily teach that in the schools. Mind you, I would rather teach that, than tell the kids about all the wars we fought in human history!

“Here son, remember these battle dates, they’re very important. We need to condition you to the fact that we’re humans and we kill each other for no real justifiable reason and we do it on a regular basis. War is a natural phenomenon. it’s just human nature at work, son”.

You know, at least sex is supposed to have something to do with love. But don’t worry about it, it’s probably just another one of my fucked-up theories!

PEOPLE RULED BY FEAR

Have you ever overheard someone’s conversation and it’s made you wonder just what the fuck life is all about?

I was in Falkirk High Street the other day and two old guys who obviously knew each other in some way approached each other, and sometimes you feel awkward when for instance you see a workmate up the town and you think, ‘Fuck, I’ll have to think of something to say here’.

Well, I’m sure that’s what one of these guys thought. Because the other guy said, “Hello”, and he said, “Oh hello there, so eh, how’s your new microwave doing?”.

I was like, ‘How’s your fucking microwave doing? How’s your microwave doing? It’s melting the fuck out of any goodness left in the food after the pesticide has took it’s share and it’s giving you cancer into the bargain, that’s how the fucking microwave’s doing’.

I mean, could he not have asked how he was doing, first?

Then maybe how his wife was doing, then the children, the family pets, goldfish, even ask how the cat’s fleas were doing, before moving on to the kitchen appliances.

Where does it stop, “How’s your potato peeler doing? Alright? Ah, glad to hear it”.

Have you noticed that people automatically assume you’re an axe wielding mass murderer if you dare to talk to them in the street. Have you noticed this?

One day I was walking behind a lady in the street, and she dropped her purse, so I gave her a tap on the shoulder to tell her and s nearly shat herself.

“Eh excuse me, you’ve dropped your purse”, I said.

“Ah, help, help, rape, rape!”. She screamed at the top of her voice,

“Leave me alone. I’m going to call the police”.

“You’ve dropped you’re purse”, I said, again.

“Pardon? Purse? Oh yeah, thanks. Now please stop harass ing me”.

Well, there’s gratitude for you.

Another time I was in a sports shop and a lady was buying her son a tennis racket. It was around about Wimbledon time. So, I thought I’d crack a wee joke. “Is this the next Tim Henman we have here?”.

She just looked at me as though I had two heads, both with horns which had bells on, and then just completely ignored me as if I had never said a word!

I thought, ‘You ignorant bitch’.

Luckily, I realised she was as thick as two shorts planks, so I forgave her but for god’s sake, do I look like a terrifying scary geezer who should be avoided at all costs? I’m just an ordinary punter with excess hair. Is it my lack of designer clothes that makes me a social outcast?

Another time, I was in the supermarket and a girl of about eight years old was performing a dance routine with her sister. So I joined in and had a wee dance as well. I was trying to have a laugh with them. Her parents looked at me as though I was just about to stick my cock in her mouth!!

I’d never heard of this paedophile business before Rupert Murdoch’s big advertising campaign, now it’s all the rage. It’s never off the TV and papers. They’re the ones pedalling this stuff. No wonder Pete Townsend joined a couple of sites just to check it out. Curiosity got the better of him in a moment of weakness. Could happen to anyone… at least, so he says.

I am joking about this folks, don’t go getting all uppity on me. I just think the newspapers should take some responsibility for the state of the world that they help to perpetrate. Fucking hypocrites.

If journalists loved themselves properly, they would have some fucking integrity and walk away from their scumbag jobs. Then we could start evolving. Again, just another fucked up theory. Don’t take it too seriously; we don’t want a better world, do we?
RIKKI LAKE

Me and the wife had been watching far too much TV recently. Every night from 6pm-2am we were sat glued into the sofa, only speaking to each other to say, “Can you pass the Rich Tea biscuits?”. We were turning into The Slobs.

So we decided to cancel our fancy cable package and just get the basic package for no extra cost above the phone line rental. It was a total nightmare. Only then do you realise just how addictive all the shite TV is.

We had Paramount Comedy channel withdrawal symptoms for about a month!! And it’s not as if that’s high-class entertainment.

Eventually we managed to get over our Paramount addiction, but we’ve just replaced it with another. It’s the fucking Living Channel. We’ve died and went to hell basically. Because the wife has taken charge of the remote and the Living Channel is the way to go apparently. I’d prefer a slow painful death myself.

Chat show after chat show after fucking chat show. Like, Rikki fucking Lake, for example.

I came home from playing five a sides one day and the wife was sitting watching Rikki Lake, like voluntarily. As I say, I’d prefer to have my genitals removed with a blunt instrument. I couldn’t believe my eyes as I sat down to watch it out of curiosity.

The program was all about these women who obviously had deep rooted psychological problems. They should all have been lying on a psychologist’s couch somewhere, instead of being on my television!

They were all saying that their tits were too small, and they wanted Rikki to pay for a surgeon to make them bigger and then their lives would be happy forevermore.

I think was the title of the show was, ‘Fucked up women who think bigger tits will solve their problems’.

Before they had the operation, their partners were saying, “Look babe, I love you just the way you are. You don’t need to have this operation”.

“No, no. You don’t understand. I don’t feel like a real woman. I don’t even have an A cup for christsakes! I need this operation”.

So, the Rikki Show pays for them to get their operation by some glorified butcher plastic surgeon and then cue to the present time when they’re back on the show to show off the results.

Rikki says, “Well ladies and gentlemen, you all remember Samantha, who had tits the size of garden peas. Well, here she is now with tits the size of golf balls! Come out Samantha”

The audience and Rikki are going, “Oh, check the tits out, marvellous, oh yes!”.

Rikki says to the woman, “Well are you happy now Samantha?”

“Oh yes Rikki, it’s fantastic, I feel like a real women now. I can go to the shops now and buy a bra with pride knowing that I won’t need to stuff half as much toilet paper down there as I usually do, oh it’s fantastic!”.

“Oh that’s great, I’m glad we could help you solve your self-esteem issue”.

“Well, there is a couple of more things Rikki”.

“What’s that?”

“Well I’ve noticed that my nose is slightly crooked and that I’ve got a big ass”.

Christ, what the hell is going on here? We don’t need cloning, do we? Those women’s magazines do the trick.

Soon every woman in the world will look like Britney Spears for fuck’s sake. Some men may not like the blonde bimbo look, some may even like bald women….oh wait, Britney did model the bald look when her MK-Ultra programming was breaking down but you get my point.

Programmes like Rikki, while pretending to be so caring and compassionate are MK-Ultra like. They get us to focus on absolute pish. I mean what’s going to be next, “Rikki, I’m just not tall enough. I’m only 5’4” and I want to be as tall as Naomi Campbell”.

“Ok, well, we can help you, if you would just like to lie down on this stretch rack”.

No Rikki, just teach people how to love themselves as they are and they’ll be fine. But I guess you won’t do that as you’ll not have any fucked up people left to get on your pathetic fucking chat show and no-one would be interested in it anyway when they have their own lives to create with abundantly.