An’ that a’ wiz the Dad
A’ said,“Yer fuckin’ jokin’?”
An’ then fainted pretty bad
Aboot three hoors later
Aftir a’ had recovered fae the shock
A’ said, “Hoo the hell did that happen?
A’ aye’ways wear a sock”
She said,“Remember Christmas Eve
When you had too much to drink
And said, ‘Ok, let’s mak that fuckin’ baby’
Afore a’ stop tae ‘hink’
Well, it looks like God was listening
And granted you your wish
Now you had better get a job
And stop drinking like a fish”
“G,g,g,get a job? A job, ye say?
That’s scarier than a baby
A’d rathir cut ma knob aff
Than gie up social security”
“Don’t you want the best for you child?”
“No’ if it involves me goin’ tae wurk”
She gave me a look that said it aw
The next day a’ wiz wurkin’ as a clerk
It only lasted yin day though
Noo a’ am back on the dole
A’ dinnae care hoo much they pay me
A’ refuse tae sell ma soul
Ma wife is noo threatenin’ tae leave me
An’ tak oor new born child
Money doesnae buy ye happiness
But it stops yer wife goin’ wild
So a’ need tae quickly find a way
Tae mak a very easy buck
Aw cause ae that Mrs Claus’ outfit
An’ a drunken horny fuck
A’ shouldnae be held responsible
Fur ma actions when a’m drunk
She shouldae kept her legs closed
Tae keep oot ma inebriated spunk
Ae ma festive good cheer
Maybe that’s why aw nicht lang
She wiz supplyin’ me wi’ beer
A’ dinnae ken hoo a’m goin’ supply
The cash this bairn will need
Especially as noo it’s here
A’ hiv doubled ma use ae weed
A’ guess a’ll need tae go on the rob
As a’ cannae see any othir way
Then maybe if a’m lucky
The polis will come an tak me away
Cheers the noo!
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