So when a’ got divorced a moved intae a groond floor apartment that doesnae hae its aen balcony but rather a tiled area that is open fur all and sundry tae get a guid squawk at us when we eat oor meals, nae big deal there.

The interestin’ ‘hing aboot bein’ on the groond floor as oppossed tae the top floor as a’ wiz in ma auld apartment is that a’ feel a lot mare in touch wi’ the animal kingdom and the natural wurld in general. In fact by the overgrowth in ma garden section it feels like a’ am livin’ next tae a jungle.

A’ dinnae ken if it is ma responsibility tae take care ae that section or if it is a communal garden so a’ will jist dae ma usual and ignore it and wait and see if someone else will dae it fur me.

So. fur instance, when it rains here ye wouldnae believe the amoont ae Snails that appear fae naewhere. Walking up ma garden path tryin’ no’ tae squish any is a tricky business indeed. All kinds of insects appear in the hoose including very large Butterflies, Spiders, Lizards and Natashas favourite…. Cockroaches!

So far we hiv only had three ae them appear but the first time she saw yin judgin by her scream a’ thought her cat had died! Her fear has in fact seeped intae me and noo when a’ am walkin’ in the dark bare foot a’ cannae help but ‘hink a’ am aboot tae stand on yin. Eerrgh! They arenae the most appealin’ creatures fur sure.

A’ thought a’ would help her get over her fear by watchin’ the section on the documentary Planet Earth where there are aboot a zillion ae them crawlin’ aw ower a 100 feet high mountain ae bats droppin’s in a cave somewhere. Ye ken, familiarity breedin’ contempt or su’hin like that. Wrong! Fur the next three nichts neither of us got much sleep as she thought every fly or mosquito was a flyin’ cockroach.

Speakin’ ae Mosquitos they are a pain in the arse as well. It wiz really bad when Summer first started until we bought yin ae the things ye plug intae the wall and put blue tablets intae. They helped a bit cause the first few nichts ye’d hae thought we both had fleas wi’ the amount ae bites on uz. Noo it’s no’ quite so bad but still annoyin’ as fuck, especially as a’ hiv the kind ae blood that reacts tae the bites in a bad way and a’ cannae help masel scratchin’ ma brains oot!

We also get visits by street cats because we are soft touches when eatin’ oor food and end up giein’ fish and meat tae the stray cats and dogs. The cats ‘hink it’s a free fur aw and jump in oor window (that we leave open fur Natasha’s cat tae get oot) and start raidin’ oor bin in the middle ae the nicht.

Durin’ the day the cat likes tae plonk itsel’ doon on yin ae the Dining Table chairs and await fur us tae serve it tae and it has even higher standards than the strays, frequently turnin’ it’s nose up if it doesnae fancy they prime cuts.

Oor favourite animals in oor apt, fur a while anyway, where the twa birds whae built their nest on the drainpipe comin’ fae upstairs balcony. The Mother and Father were takin’ turns sittin’ on and guardin’ the nest and the Father even shat on me jist tae make sure a’ got the message. A’ am still waitin’ for the money windfall.

The eggs hatched nae problem and we counted a total ae five young and a’ kin assure ye they were very hungry and the parents were at it full time tae try and keep them well fed.

Then a’ had tae go tae hospital fur an operation and we never checked the nest fur a few days and when we came back they had disappeared. Last nicht the Mother and Father were seemingly haein’ a big ficht aboot whae’s fault it wiz cause they chased each other relentlessly fur at least a guid 10 minutes.

A’ am tempted tae pop ma heed in the nest tae see if they young hiv died in there but a’ dinnae want tae traumatise masel. There is nae way they were big enough tae leave the nest so soon.