In January 2004, ten celebrities went to Australia
To try and prop up their flagging careers
They thought that by plonking themselves by a campfire
They would somehow enhance the televisual biosphere
I myself had no intentions at all of watching
Over inflated ego’s competing is not my cup of tea
Or at least that’s what I thought
Until I saw Jordan’s tit’s bursting out of her bikini
Maybe I should give this program a chance
Well, seeing as how there is nothing else worth watching on TV
Oh and look there’s Kerry, Diane, Jenny and Alex
Some of their clothes also look quite skimpy
But as I started watching it
I thought ‘You know, there is more to this than meets the eye
You get to see ten relatively famous people
Get tortured, take a fit and almost cry
Why would they want to subject themselves to that?
What turns these people on?
I mean other than the obvious reason
Of spending all day with Jordan in her thong
Perhaps it’s the thought of millions watching
As they face up to and conquer their inner fears
Or maybe they just lost a bet
After a drinking session with their peers
Whatever the reason I have to say
That I really rather enjoyed it
Cause going by my prejudgements
I thought it would be worse than horse shit
For me to really enjoy something
I have to get the feeling it was worthwhile
I like to think I learned something from the show
I’ve realised my work’s canteens food isn’t all that vile
Neil Ruddock nearly starved himself to death in there
He said ‘Of beans and rice he is not fond’
A word of advice,‘you can’t be fussy what you eat in the Jungle, Neil’
I mean, just look at Jenny Bond
How on earth did Jenny eat those insects and that fish eye?
She selflessly did it for her team mates, I really admire her for that
I would vote for her to be the next Prime Minister
Did you see the way she coped when faced with a dirty rat?
Lord Brocket himself even took a step down the ranks
To become a servant from time to time
Every time a damsel in distress needed washing down
He was there with his Mr Shine
Alex, well what can you say about sweet, lovely Alex
Well, not a lot actually
Maybe it’s not her fault she is a bit dull
Maybe George Best also drank her personality
Peter Andre surprised me the most
As I’m sure he did himself
When he stuck his head inside those animal boxes
I thought he would lose his mental health
You have to laugh at Ant and Dec
Saying “Just take it easy Peter”
That’s all right for them to say
They’re not face to face with a less than friendly spider
I think we should start a petition
To get Ant & Dec in the show next year
That would soon wipe the cheeky smile from their faces
Let them find out first-hand the full extent of Peter’s fear
Nothing in the jungle could faze the original punk rocker though
They thought that pecking Ostriches would bring him terror
Tell me what could scare Johnny Lydon more
Than just looking in the mirror
Kerry MacFadden was just brilliant though
I thought she was a deserved winner
Even though she much prefers bangers and mash
To a fish eye for her dinner
Her character shone through genuine, loving, brave and loopy
A real diamond in the rough
If only she’d taken a bath with sixty thousand cockroaches
She would have been declared not only a queen but fucking super tough
But sod it, everyone was a champ
Just for bringing entertainment to the nation
In the days of depressing soaps and police dramas
They brought some good feelings back to television
I think you can see that the whole experience
Really challenges people and brings out hidden facets of their character
Maybe we should all drop what we’re doing
Spend some more time with mother nature
Just by watching people having fun doing something different
I felt the hardened cynic in me die
Who’s to say we can’t evolve at least a little bit
By looking through the big glass eye?
Cheers!
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