Every year at Xmas
a’ come oot in a rash ae zits
Thinkin’ hoo much ma wife is spendin’
on her shoppin’ blitz
A’ refuse tae take part,
a’ dinnae believe in aw that pish
Xmas tae me is jist a guid excuse
tae drink like a thirsty fish
Ma wife says that’s the reason
ma face goes red an’ blotchy
So a’ tell her tae shut her mooth
an’ stop makin’ uz feel guilty
So she takes her anger oot
by goin’ mental wi’ the Visa
An’ that’s why every year at Xmas
ma face looks like a Pizza
Last year wiz really bad
a’ got yin on the end ae ma nose
Turnin’ up fur family dinner
wiz sure tae bring me woes
“Hey, here comes Rudolf” a’ heard them say,
“Rudolf, where’s yer sleigh?”
“Very fucking funny
kin ye no’ ‘hink ae yer aen cliché?”
Sittin’ through dinner wiz sheer hell,
nae yin could look at uz
Wi’oot killin’ themselves laughin’
an’ pointin’ at ma pus
So a’ went oot an’ bought
the cheapest spot lotion a’ could find
It wiz just after Xmas
so savin’ money wiz on ma mind
Little did a’ ken
ma skin doesnae like toxic waste
It caused a nuclear eruption
aw ower ma fuckin’ face
It wiz like some kind ae Alien
had sprung tae life in there
It wiz like that Alien fae the film
but even worse, a’ swear
Then some baby yins
started rallyin’ aroond
That’s the last time a’ buy lotion
that’s 3 fur a poond
A’ tried stickin’ a drawing pin
intae the daddy ae the bunch
But that jist made it angry,
it used ma face fur lunch
When ma wife saw me she said
that a’ had tae face ma Karma
An’ that a’ should stop belittlin’ everyhin’
tae dae wi’ Big Pharma
A’ said, “Exactly, shovin’ the tube up ma arse
would ae been mare effective”
Let’s jist hope that this year, a’ dinnae end up wi’
a face like the Singing Detective
Cheers the noo!
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