Every year jist afore Christmas a’ come oot in a rash ae zits
Wun’er’in’ hoo much ma wife will spend on her shoppin’ blitz
A’ refuse tae play the game, a’ dinnae believe in aw that pish
Christmas tae me is jist a guid excuse, tae drink like a thirsty fish
Ma wife says that’s the reason ma face gets loads ae pluke’s
A’ say she shuid be mare concerned aboot the way she looks
So she takes her anger oot, by goin’ mental wi’ the visa
So by the time Christmas comes, ma face looks like a pizza
Last year wiz really bad, a’ got yin on the end ae ma nose
Turnin’ up fur family dinner wiz sure tae bring me woes
“Hey, here comes Rudolf,” a’ heard them say, “Rudolf, where’s your sleigh?”
“Very fuckin’ funny, kin ye no’ ‘hink ae yer aen cliché?”
Sittin’ through dinner wiz sheer hell, nae yin cuid look at uz
Wi’oot killin’ themselves laughin’ an’ pointin’ at ma pus
So a’ went oot an’ boucht the cheapest spot lotion a’ cuid find
It wiz jist aftir Christmas, so savin’ money wiz on ma mind
Little did a’ ken, ma skin doesnae like toxic waste
It caused a nuclear eruption, aw ower ma fuckin’ face
It wiz like some kind ae aliens had sprung tae life in there
They were like that alien fae that film…alien, but even worse, a’ swear
That’s the last time a’ buy lotion that’s three fur a poond
A’ wished a hole would open an’ swallae me intae the groond
A’ tried stickin’ a drawin’ pin intae the daddy ae the bunch
But that jist made it angry, it used ma face fur lunch
A’ got fuck aw sympathy fae ma wife, she said that’s me facin’ ma karma
An’ that a’ shuid stop belittlin’ everyhin’ tae dae wi’ ‘big pharma’
A’ said, “Exactly, shovin’ the tube up ma arse wuid ae been mare effective
Cause noo a look ten times worse, than the fuckin’ ‘Singing Detective’”
She didnae ken whit a’ wiz on aboot, but a’ll tell ye this
When yer face looks like a pizza, it’s nae much fun goin’ oot
on the piss
Young cunts kept comin’ up tae me, tae ask if a’ve got chips
on the side
They are bloody lucky that they aliens took whit wiz left ae
ma pride
This year a’ll need tae find a way tae enjoy masel in the hoose
Me an’ the wife will need tae caw some kind ae Christmas
truce
So a’ll get her a sexy Mrs Claus ootfit, tae try tae rekindle
some romance
Aftir those bastard aliens hiv come oot tae rub salt, intae the
state ae ma finance
Cheers the noo!
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