A’ hiv decided tae join the merry bandwagon ae bloggers oot there and post up ill thooght oot, banal drivel on a daily basis that maest probably nae yin will read or indeed even gie a shit aboot.
Cool, at least that allows me tae be creative. No’ creative in the sense that a’m making shit up, just creative in that a’ kin write whitever the hell a’ like seein’ as hoo its ma fucking blog after all!!! So if you dinnae like it…..then dinnae hang aboot cause a’ hae a tendency tae speak whit’s on ma mind unfiltered….. so get it up ye! 😉
Brilliant, a’m lovin’ this already. This is right up ma alley. The truth as a’ see it withoot the need tae try and be hilariously funny or even intelligent or put up a decent argument even. Just Nob pish coming richt at ya.
Dinnae get me wrong though, a’ would still like people tae read ma pish. It’s jist a ken that a’ maybe dinnae cater tae everyone’s taste and a’ hiv learned tae accept that ower the years ae getting’ naewhere fast.
But speaking of tellin’ people tae fuck off, a a’m amazed at whit a’ kin get awa’ wi’ sometimes. A’ ‘hink a’ must hae kissed the Blarney Stone in a past life.
Ma Introduction
Fur instance let me tell ye a story that starts wi’ some details aboot an auld workmate ae mind called Jim.
At work Jim used tae moan constantly aboot any’hin and everything and a’ used tae spend maest ae ma time tryin’ tae get him to chillax a bit. Ma main aim in life wiz tae get him tae burst as few blood vessels as possible in a 12 hoor shift.
It wiz purely fur selfish reasons cause a’ wiz locked in a small room wi’ him fur at least 40 hoors a week and that kind of level of anger rubs aff on ye if ye arenae careful. Then ye yersel carry that anger and pass it ontae yer nearest and dearest and that doesnae dae yer sex life much guid tae say the least.
Jist aftir a’ left the company we both worked fur he had a 40th birthday party that a’ never turned up tae and even though a’ kent he would probably have been hurt a little by that, a’ jist needed tae put past behind me a bit and so a’ never saw him again for three years.
Anyway, by chance a’ foond oot fae another collegue on ma auld shift team that he wiz going tae Australia tae live and his leaving party was that nicht, Friday.
Well, a’ turned up and gave him a big suprise. He said it made his nicht. Thankfully he didnae catch me tryin’ tae make moves on his wife, Jane, while settin’ the dancefloor alicht tae the Grease megamix!
Ye’s probably ken a’ like tae ham it up a bit, ye ken, put on a bit ae a show and she wiz lappin’ it up big time. Maest ae ma patter wiz in jest but if she offered it on a plate a’ dare say a’d ae took her oot back and shagged the arse aff her.
So anyway, tae get tae ma point, later on as the evening wiz aboot tae finish the DJ played that song ‘A’ cannae live, if living is withoot ye…’ etc.
Noo, although Jane was dancin’ wi’ some other geezer at the time she needed tae sing this song wi’ passion and hae it reciprocated back tae her so she called me, (whae else?) across the room and promptly telt the guy he wiz dumped.
He never took the hint and so a’ said “Look pal, yer no’ wanted here…so fuck off.. pronto tonto” …and he did! Hey presto, jist like that he wiz gone in a jiffy.
Luckily fur me he took it in good spirits and didnae bap me yin cause a’ couldnae ficht ma way oot ae a paper bag but it made me wish that aw human communication wiz so honest. Nae bullshit, straight tae the point.
In the short term it would probably start a lot ae fichts and even cause a lot ae divorces cause oor fragile egos cannae cope wi’ that level ae directness jist noo cause we are maestly insecure weasels but a’ feel it’s whit humanity should be aspiring tae in the long run.
Then, much tae ma surprise a’ learned that ma other old colleague Donald, whaes last bird wiz a bit ae a psycho had got engaged tae yin ae the most intelligent, wise, beautiful, funny brilliant people ye could ever wish tae meet. So a’ spent maest ae the rest ae the evenin’ talking to her.
A’ a’m a bit ae a flirt a’m afraid. A’ just fucking love women! Especially good looking brainy yins. A’ amnae intimidated by them at aw. Well, no’ any mare anyway.
It wiz different when a’ wiz younger but noo a dinnae gie a fuck. It’s the ugly, stupid ones that scare the shit oot ae me cause a’m mare likely tae get in their knickers and then it would be doonhill aw the way.
Anyway, it wiz guid tae see ma auld pals again and it was brilliant tae feel so loved by them and tae accept the obvious respect they hiv fur me despite the fact a’ wiz chattin’ up their birds, although, the ladies themselves didnae seem tae mind tae much. Either that or they were jist humourin’ me and a’ wiz tae drunk tae tell the difference.
Actually, noo a’ ‘hink aboot it a’ when a’ asked Donald where the toilets were, he sent me tae the ladies, perhaps tae extract some revenge!
Well…ha bloody ha, that yin backfired as a’ had an absolutely beautiful time in there. The smell wiz delightful and they were so clean a’ couldnae believe it. So a’ played dumb and used it fur the rest ae the nicht. It wiz slightly erotic as well but a’ll spare ye the details as tae why. Lol.
A’ wiz pissed aff at the DJ though, whae wouldnae let me sing on the Karaoke. Apparently there wiz some kind ae restraining order on anyone in the entertainment industry letting me near a microphone after ma Gong Show escapades where a had a punch up wi’ the promoter on stage but never mind the heat will die doon some day aftir that particular nuclear fall oot.
The DJ had spotted me using the ladies though so maybe thats why he didnae let me sing and there wiz children in the audience so maybe he didnae want tae let some kind ae raging pervert let loose on them. Either that or a’ wiz genuinly tae late tae put ma name doon.
But ye see, ma mate John also choose tae take the redundancy offer as well as ma guid self and he ended up applying fur a job on less money tae train apprentices in the same factory but fur a different company.
He said he couldnae believe hoo little a’ had learned during ma apprenticeship and he wanted tae make sure future generations kent whit they were dain’ otherwise the factory would blow up and take half ae Central Scotland oot in yin blast.
He didnae ken hoo much dedication a’ put intae stayin’ dumb cause they mare ye ken the mare they expect ye tae dae and a’ wiz aboot as interested in workin’ there as a’ am in the latest fashion trends. Ie. No’ at all.
Ye see, a’ used tae talk aboot Karma and creating yer aen reality and shit like that wi’ John till a’ wiz blue in the face but tae nae avail, well, at least no’ at the time.
But that nicht he telt me that aw the things a’ talked tae him aboot, he had tae learn fur himsel’ while daeing his new job. He passed exams and acquired a lot ae self respect and is noo a totally much mare mellow kind ae a dude. Transformed actually.
He’s noo got his move to Australia that wiz turned doon when he applied initially. He’s raised his vibration and the universe foond a way tae gie him whit he wanted. (Word of warning fur future blogs- a’ like tae talk spiritual shit now and again as well).
An oil company oot there are paying fur his move and buying him a hoose and everything and it wiz guid tae see him so happy.
He telt me he had me tae thank fur that. That wiz quite humbilin’ actually. It jist goes tae show the impact we hae on others lives whither we are aware ae it or no’.
So aw that bein’ said, a dinnae ken if there wiz a particular message in this post but if ye kin find yin and use if fur yersel then guid luck tae ye. A’ am still tryin’ tae raise ma vibration and create a better life fur masel cause richt noo mine sucks like smelly socks.
Thanks fur reading ma first blog and as they say, whoever they are, onwards and upwards.
Cheers the noo
Nob
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